I thought I would save this post until after Valentine's Day to respect your right to celebrate. This year Valentine's Day came and went with barely a nod of recognition from me except for a few treats and special moments with my kids. It is the first year in as long as I can remember that I wasn't … [Read more...]
It’s My Life.
You may hate me. I am surprised but I really don't care if you do. I used to. A lot. Which is part of the reason my life was hell. I was trying so hard to get everyone's approval. But I'm not anymore and it is so damn liberating.I have done a ton of therapy and continue to reveal and examine parts … [Read more...]
What I know.
When I write here there are often strong reactions. When I share my situation, my mistakes and my feelings many people get angry. In fact, it can feel a bit like they have rallied the town together, armed with torches and pitchforks and in a wild frenzy they begin their witchhunt. And I am the … [Read more...]
This Year.
For a year I poured my heart and soul out here at Dirty Little Secrets on UrbanMoms. This past year was one of reflection, honesty, and fantasy. Of heartache, shame, and recovery. It was scandalous and it was tragic. It was the story of my life as I saw it. And maybe, sometimes, as I wanted it to … [Read more...]
Manipulation.
Things finally blew up with Joel. One evening after the kids were in bed I decided we couldn't go on like this anymore. We hadn't spoken more than pleasantries for ages and when I tried to pin him down he would get up and leave saying, "just get better" as he walked away. I followed him around … [Read more...]
Strength.
Well, the honeymoon is over. The peaceful days after my release from the hospital are gone as I have been gradually weaned off most of my meds. That numb oblivion has been replaced by my harsh reality. I am coming back to the realization that my life is a mess and I have no idea how to fix it. But … [Read more...]
Love.
I have been thinking a lot lately about love. Especially as it relates to, for lack of a better description, romantic love. We all know I have a lot to figure out and sorting through some of my feelings on this topic would certainly help. My therapist has encouraged me to relax and "just let … [Read more...]
Home.
After I left the hospital Joel and I decided that I would come home. At least for now. Truly, it was the only option. It is best for the kids and we have full-time care so I won't be alone. That was Joel's one condition, "Just in case." He explained. I have set up a little respite for myself in … [Read more...]
Take Me.
Today I have a visitor. It will soon be time for me to go home. Where that is I have yet to figure out exactly, but I am on my way. But for today I am focused solely on one thing - my time with Jackson.I haven't seen Jackson since I came here. So much has happened that I don't really know how it … [Read more...]
The Truth.
I am feeling better. Well, that's not exactly true. In many ways I feel worse. The pain is greater and the reality of my situation is smothering. But at least I am feeling something. And often now there is clarity which is a change. I still get overwhelmed. The confusion and chaos take over. … [Read more...]
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