Today I have a visitor. It will soon be time for me to go home. Where that is I have yet to figure out exactly, but I am on my way. But for today I am focused solely on one thing – my time with Jackson.
I haven’t seen Jackson since I came here. So much has happened that I don’t really know how it will be. It must now be obvious to him that I am not that strong, artistic, witty older woman he fell for. Instead he must know that I was in fact the opposite, tired and weak and lost. But I have reached a point where I don’t care anymore what people think. Take me as I am or don’t take me at all. Being otherwise nearly killed me.
But things are unresolved with Jackson and it is important that I see him. And that he sees me. It is especially important because I now know that he was the one who brought me here. He is the one who rescued me from myself. He loved me enough to rush me to the hospital. He was worried enough to call Joel. And selfless enough to leave before Joel arrived.
He hasn’t seen me since that day and I know he needs to. He needs to know that I am OK or at least on my way. And I need to see him. I just do.
As I wait patiently in the lounge I think about what he will see when he arrives and a quiet smile forms on my lips. I am dressed in too-big jeans and a t-shirt. I am terribly thin. My normally bright, blonde hair is dull, gray roots peaking through. I wear no make-up, only lip balm to fend off the dry hospital air. But I am calm and confident. I sit tall.
And then there he is. Tall and dark and wonderful. Tears brim in his eyes as he looks at me and I can’t help myself. I rise and we grab hold of each other. His sobs smothered in my shoulder. It occurs to me after a while that he is the first person, aside from my kids, that I have held unselfconsciously in a very long time.
“I was so damn scared.” He whispers.
“I know. I am so sorry.” I say soothingly.
We sit forever. Close to each other. At ease together. He talks and I listen. He asks me questions but not too many and not the hard ones. I am amazed at how strong I feel. How unfazed and clear headed. I don’t think too hard about the past or the future. I just enjoy his company. I don’t try too hard to be myself. For the first time in my life I just am.