After more than a month of being in the US for work I knew I had to go home. Even if just for a weekend, I needed to sit down with Dan and sort this out. So, I took Friday off, booked a ticket and went straight from the airport to our old apartment where I planned to meet Dan for our big talk.I had … [Read more...]
Introducing Infidelity
No. I'm not Lyla (thank god). But I am your new voice at Dirty Little Secrets (which, btw, I probably would have named something different but, I inherited it so I'm stuck with it). Here's a little about me and how my new gig here started:We weren't getting regular posts at DLS so I thought it was … [Read more...]
It’s My Life.
You may hate me. I am surprised but I really don't care if you do. I used to. A lot. Which is part of the reason my life was hell. I was trying so hard to get everyone's approval. But I'm not anymore and it is so damn liberating.I have done a ton of therapy and continue to reveal and examine parts … [Read more...]
Manipulation.
Things finally blew up with Joel. One evening after the kids were in bed I decided we couldn't go on like this anymore. We hadn't spoken more than pleasantries for ages and when I tried to pin him down he would get up and leave saying, "just get better" as he walked away. I followed him around … [Read more...]
Strength.
Well, the honeymoon is over. The peaceful days after my release from the hospital are gone as I have been gradually weaned off most of my meds. That numb oblivion has been replaced by my harsh reality. I am coming back to the realization that my life is a mess and I have no idea how to fix it. But … [Read more...]
Home.
After I left the hospital Joel and I decided that I would come home. At least for now. Truly, it was the only option. It is best for the kids and we have full-time care so I won't be alone. That was Joel's one condition, "Just in case." He explained. I have set up a little respite for myself in … [Read more...]
The Truth.
I am feeling better. Well, that's not exactly true. In many ways I feel worse. The pain is greater and the reality of my situation is smothering. But at least I am feeling something. And often now there is clarity which is a change. I still get overwhelmed. The confusion and chaos take over. … [Read more...]
Resistance.
They have reduced my medication. They say I am ready but I am not so sure. I have changed. I no longer just go along with things. I have given up the "nod and smile". Now I cry and scream and let it out. I am resistant. Most of the time I don't want to find my way back. I wonder if they … [Read more...]
Deep.
The overwhelming sadness and despair has consumed me. It has been ages.Time has both stood still and gone on forever. Just now am I beginning to see small cracks. Often they are too much and I sink back again. Hope can be its own demon. My room at the hospital is cheerfully … [Read more...]
Yearning.
As I left Dr. C's office my head was spinning. I was raw with emotion and completely exhausted. I sat for a long time across the street at a little park, blindly staring as the world went on around me. I felt so alone and confused and empty. I yearned for someone to hold me and soothe me, to tell me … [Read more...]