“Stop making that noise, it makes me want to throw squirrels.” The sound of crackling plastic was driving my husband to the point of rodent aerodynamics. It was day two of summer break. The day before, he was rejoicing at no longer having to pack lunches and fight the morning traffic driving our … [Read more...]
Things I No Longer Give A F**k About At 40
It’s coming, like it or not. It’s looming right around the corner. The next decade. Officially middle-aged. The big 4-0. Wasn’t I just 20? How did we get here so damn fast? I don’t even feel like an adult yet. Some of my friends are having grandchildren, what the hell is that about? I swear I just … [Read more...]
Real Life Embarrassing Moments To Throw Back At Our Children
When I was a kid, I asked my parents what bestiality was. At 37, I still have not quite recovered from the mortification. I’d heard the term on Oprah (before she was a potential presidential candidate, and high ruler of the world) and I was curious what it meant. I was not prepared for the answer I … [Read more...]
What My Childhood Memories Are Teaching Me About Perspective
As I saw the floor coming rapidly towards my face, I began to think that my mom might have been right about swinging on the stairs. She told me not to do it. She warned me I was going to hurt myself. But still, I was six and invincible, so I placed my right hand on the railing, and pressed my … [Read more...]
My Son Wouldn’t Stop Lying Until I Asked Him This Question
When I was little, I had a phobia of lying. If my mom asked me if I was hungry at 2 pm and I said no, but I became hungry at 2.30, I worried that I had lied. I couldn’t lie, or even think about lying, without the guilt eating me alive. This wasn’t always the case. It stemmed from a specific … [Read more...]
What I Want My Kids To Remember Long After November 11
My grandfather didn’t like to talk about the war. In fact, I’m not sure I recall a single conversation with him about it. I knew all about his participation, though. My dad made sure of that. I knew he had lied about his age to enlist and turned 19 on the boat leading him to battle overseas. I … [Read more...]
Dear Facebook Moms, Your Open Letters Are Thoughtless And Cruel
“Dear neighbour. How can you own a house and not take care of your lawn?” laments one mom in my Facebook group, who is outraged at being forced to look at long grass. “It’s probably renters. They don’t own the house so they don’t care,” offers another mom. “If they can’t take care of their … [Read more...]
Pumpkin Spice Everything: An Ode On My Seasonal Obsession
Dear Pumpkin Spice, Hello, Beautiful. It’s been a while since I've had the pleasure of your company. I hope you have been well the past 10 months. I have missed you, and I forgive you for the hurt you caused by leaving me. I recognize our love is fleeting. You are too free-spirited to be tied … [Read more...]
Why Can’t I Stop Yelling At My Kids Every Goddamn Bedtime?
“You’re going to stay in your own bed all night tonight, right?” “Your breath smells like coffee,” my four-year-old replied. The two were not unrelated. My children were terrible sleepers as babies, and they are terrible sleepers now. The oldest complains he can’t sleep until 11 pm, and the … [Read more...]
Schools, You Need To Do More During Heatwaves
“It’s hot as Hell out.” This seems to be how people have been greeting each other this week in Toronto. Pool owners and cottage goers may be loving this resurgence of summer heat, but not everyone is so happy with the heat wave. Teachers are voicing valid concerns about the safety and … [Read more...]