They have reduced my medication. They say I am ready but I am not so sure. I have changed. I no longer just go along with things. I have given up the "nod and smile". Now I cry and scream and let it out. I am resistant. Most of the time I don't want to find my way back. I wonder if they … [Read more...]
Yearning.
As I left Dr. C's office my head was spinning. I was raw with emotion and completely exhausted. I sat for a long time across the street at a little park, blindly staring as the world went on around me. I felt so alone and confused and empty. I yearned for someone to hold me and soothe me, to tell me … [Read more...]
Selfish.
There was never any doubt that I was being selfish. I have known this from the start. I guess it was, in part, because I felt owed. I wanted something more for myself. I felt that our lives revolved around Joel and the life he always wanted so I thought it was my time to even things out. It is not … [Read more...]
Collision.
Joel and I have been seeing less and less of each other. If he has noticed he hasn't said anything. He makes small gestures but he is too busy to really follow through. I have been working hard on sorting through the jumble of emotions and information in my head. In many ways I see things more … [Read more...]
Therapy.
It has been a number of months since I began this duplicitous life. I know it can't last. And, really, I don't want it to. The last while has been a period of self-discovery but also intense emotional pain and stress. The deception is killing me but it is also what keeps me getting out of bed every … [Read more...]
After.
I knew I would feel this way. I was prepared. I chose this. But, somehow actually feeling it is way worse. I hate myself but at the same time I am renewed and happy. Who does what I have done? Who makes a conscious decision to destroy their family? Who ever really chooses themselves?I feel little … [Read more...]
The Dream.
That night I had a dream. I am sitting in a wooded area on a bench, hidden from view, watching all of the people stroll by. I am there alone but am content to soak up the sun and just observe. I am taking it all in when I hear a familiar child's voice shouting, "Mommy!" and I turn to see my two kids … [Read more...]
Four
Four years ago today my life changed in the most profound way.I became a mother of 3.I became a mother to a daughter.We had no idea what the next year had in store for us but the day she came was one of the happiest days of my life. I woke up still pregnant, 5 days after my due date. A … [Read more...]
Help a helpless Dad out this Christmas
I need your help. Pretty badly, it would appear. Being a Dad means, by definition, that I am a man. And being a man, by definition, means I have no idea what to get a woman for Christmas. Here are a couple of unfortunate and all-too-true stories to illustrate my point. Story #1 - It's the … [Read more...]
Top 10 reasons it’s better to be the Dad
I have always preferred being a man over the idea of being a woman. Menses, make-up and shaving are just some of the reasons I am happy to have been blessed with the hot dog and not the bun. By extension, I also think being the Dad is the stuff that dreams are made of... Blasphemy, you … [Read more...]