It was Shakespeare who wrote that, and by george, the Bard is usually one smart cookie. But here's a case where I might just have to disagree with his poetic wisdom. Because I happen to think that names are actually pretty important. Well, at least to me. Which is precisely why I had such a terribly … [Read more...]
Resistance.
They have reduced my medication. They say I am ready but I am not so sure. I have changed. I no longer just go along with things. I have given up the "nod and smile". Now I cry and scream and let it out. I am resistant. Most of the time I don't want to find my way back. I wonder if they … [Read more...]
Release.
My life is a mess. It has all blown up. I am drowning. I am tired. I don't even know where to begin. I am so alone. And confused. I don't think I can do this anymore. I dream of disappearing. Woosh. Gone. I don't think about where I would go or what I would do or what would happen to those … [Read more...]
Surplus.
I sit, just staring. I don't know how long I've been here and I don't really care. After all, it's not like anyone is missing me. Everyone is taken care of. I have been rendered surplus in my own life. This latest revelation shocks and consumes me. I can think of nothing else. When I dreamed of … [Read more...]
Yearning.
As I left Dr. C's office my head was spinning. I was raw with emotion and completely exhausted. I sat for a long time across the street at a little park, blindly staring as the world went on around me. I felt so alone and confused and empty. I yearned for someone to hold me and soothe me, to tell me … [Read more...]
Confession.
I walked into Dr. C's office and after our initial how are you's I decided to dive right in. I knew I would lose my courage if I waited too long."I have something I need to tell you." I blurted out."Please do." Dr. C responded calmly, knowingly."I am having an affair. I mean, I am in love … [Read more...]
Selfish.
There was never any doubt that I was being selfish. I have known this from the start. I guess it was, in part, because I felt owed. I wanted something more for myself. I felt that our lives revolved around Joel and the life he always wanted so I thought it was my time to even things out. It is not … [Read more...]
Collision.
Joel and I have been seeing less and less of each other. If he has noticed he hasn't said anything. He makes small gestures but he is too busy to really follow through. I have been working hard on sorting through the jumble of emotions and information in my head. In many ways I see things more … [Read more...]
Therapy.
It has been a number of months since I began this duplicitous life. I know it can't last. And, really, I don't want it to. The last while has been a period of self-discovery but also intense emotional pain and stress. The deception is killing me but it is also what keeps me getting out of bed every … [Read more...]
Thursdays.
Jackson and I meet every Thursday at 2pm at his apartment. This is a day and time when I am meant to be "running errands" so I know no one will miss me. It has become my beacon. It is what keeps me feeling real and gets me out of bed every day. It is what inspires me to hope and to move forward and … [Read more...]
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