My life is a mess. It has all blown up. I am drowning. I am tired. I don’t even know where to begin.
I am so alone. And confused. I don’t think I can do this anymore. I dream of disappearing. Woosh. Gone. I don’t think about where I would go or what I would do or what would happen to those I left behind. I just think about calm. Serenity.
Sometimes I think about death but I am too much of a coward.
I look at the mess around me, the choices I have made and the people I have hurt, and I am overwhelmed by it all. Sick from it. How can it ever get better? How can I ever make it right?
I stay in bed. I can’t move. I can’t even pretend anymore. I am no longer the perfect wife and mother. Not that I ever was but now I don’t even try. I am exposed. I am a fraud and everyone knows it.
The look on Joel’s face is too much to bear.