I have been thinking a lot lately about love. Especially as it relates to, for lack of a better description, romantic love. We all know I have a lot to figure out and sorting through some of my feelings on this topic would certainly help. My therapist has encouraged me to relax and "just let … [Read more...]
Home.
After I left the hospital Joel and I decided that I would come home. At least for now. Truly, it was the only option. It is best for the kids and we have full-time care so I won't be alone. That was Joel's one condition, "Just in case." He explained. I have set up a little respite for myself in … [Read more...]
Take Me.
Today I have a visitor. It will soon be time for me to go home. Where that is I have yet to figure out exactly, but I am on my way. But for today I am focused solely on one thing - my time with Jackson.I haven't seen Jackson since I came here. So much has happened that I don't really know how it … [Read more...]
The Truth.
I am feeling better. Well, that's not exactly true. In many ways I feel worse. The pain is greater and the reality of my situation is smothering. But at least I am feeling something. And often now there is clarity which is a change. I still get overwhelmed. The confusion and chaos take over. … [Read more...]
Resistance.
They have reduced my medication. They say I am ready but I am not so sure. I have changed. I no longer just go along with things. I have given up the "nod and smile". Now I cry and scream and let it out. I am resistant. Most of the time I don't want to find my way back. I wonder if they … [Read more...]
Deep.
The overwhelming sadness and despair has consumed me. It has been ages.Time has both stood still and gone on forever. Just now am I beginning to see small cracks. Often they are too much and I sink back again. Hope can be its own demon. My room at the hospital is cheerfully … [Read more...]
Release.
My life is a mess. It has all blown up. I am drowning. I am tired. I don't even know where to begin. I am so alone. And confused. I don't think I can do this anymore. I dream of disappearing. Woosh. Gone. I don't think about where I would go or what I would do or what would happen to those … [Read more...]
Yearning.
As I left Dr. C's office my head was spinning. I was raw with emotion and completely exhausted. I sat for a long time across the street at a little park, blindly staring as the world went on around me. I felt so alone and confused and empty. I yearned for someone to hold me and soothe me, to tell me … [Read more...]
Confession.
I walked into Dr. C's office and after our initial how are you's I decided to dive right in. I knew I would lose my courage if I waited too long."I have something I need to tell you." I blurted out."Please do." Dr. C responded calmly, knowingly."I am having an affair. I mean, I am in love … [Read more...]
Selfish.
There was never any doubt that I was being selfish. I have known this from the start. I guess it was, in part, because I felt owed. I wanted something more for myself. I felt that our lives revolved around Joel and the life he always wanted so I thought it was my time to even things out. It is not … [Read more...]