Well, the honeymoon is over. The peaceful days after my release from the hospital are gone as I have been gradually weaned off most of my meds. That numb oblivion has been replaced by my harsh reality. I am coming back to the realization that my life is a mess and I have no idea how to fix it. But at least this time I am determined to try. I will not go back to the lie I was living before. It nearly killed me.
Joel has been pretty much all business with the exception of a few times when he snuck up to my room at night and lay next to me in my bed. He rarely says anything but sometimes he cries quietly beside me. When I try to talk to him his response is always the same, “Just get better.” I don’t have the heart to tell him that “getting better” is exactly what I am doing and I don’t think he is going to like it. His sadness weighs heavily on me nonetheless.
Jill is really my only girl friend. She makes me laugh and I feel hopeful when we are together. I am a social pariah pretty much anywhere else. One time I decided I was up for some company so I went with Nora to The Club to drop the kids off for their tiny-tot tennis lessons (because every pre-schooler needs to play tennis). I sat in the lounge for the few minutes it took her to get them where they needed to be and in that time not a single soul spoke to me. Those who knew me practically ran for the hills, averting their eyes and changing course so they wouldn’t have to pass me. Even the staff didn’t bother. Where in the past I would have a friendly and eager, “Good afternoon, Mrs.” as I entered or, “Can I get you anything, Mrs? Your non-fat latte?” Today there was just silence injected with a palpable nervous energy.
Obviously I haven’t gone back since.
Sometimes I spend time looking at myself in the mirror and I am surprised that I like what I see. I am skinny and my hair is long. It is now, mostly, its natural dull blonde with streaks of gray. I am pale. But in my jeans and t-shirt, hair in a ponytail, I see myself clearly for the first time ever. I may not look glamourous or rich but I look real. This gives me strength and comfort.
Sometimes on our Sunday visits Jill drops me off at a little coffee shop downtown. We don’t talk about it at all. It is against the rules but she does it for me. During that time I am myself for one whole hour. Occasionally I spend that hour alone but usually I don’t. Usually I walk in and back to the booth in the far corner where he is waiting for me. Jackson is tucked in with a coffee and scone and the weekend paper. I slip in beside him and I can breathe again. Some weeks he has brought me books or information on support groups or career counseling. Other weeks he holds me as I cry, unburdening myself and sorting through my complex feelings.
When it is time to leave I unravel my legs from his, kiss him softly on the cheek and stand tall and strong as I walk away.
Ok, its been almost a month. Where’s the next post?
Well said Candace and Lea.
Joel or Jackson…Jackson or Joel. This is going to sound harrass but really, who cares.
The only victims I see in this scenerio are the children. Do you honestly think that they have not picked up that there is a problem or issue going on in this house.
Kids are not stupid and believe me they know something is up.
Perhaps if Lyla put the time she spends trying to decide what man she really wants into her children, she would find herself.
Putting an affair over your children, allowing someone else to raise your children so you can continue to be selfish, and I’m sorry but that’s the only word that I think of when it comes to the lack of concern Lyla is putting into her children, is unforgivable.
It really doesn’t matter who Lyla stays in a relationship with, the men and her are adults…deal with it. The children are innocent bystanders who are getting ignored.
Lyla please spend time getting to know your kids again and work through the rest with your therapist. Please do not allow your children to be collateral damage while you are trying to fine yourself.
I know that this is not going to be a popular post. I get it, but as I read this blog, the only thing I kept going back to is that no one seemed to be thinking about the children.
I can completely sympathize with what you describe, Nan, and you are correct that it is a symptom of a complex problem. I don’t think an affair is ever “right” (and you don’t ask me to, which I admire), but I do think you can understand why it happens in some situations. When a marriage breaks down there are always two sides…and in this case I am guessing you struggle with how to leave without putting your husband at increased risk of suicide. In this situation, it was a coping mechanism that crystallized the fact that you do need to get out of a relationship you cannot stay in any longer. My heart breaks for both you and your husband, as you are both victims of a mental illness.
My husband has bi-polar disorder, so I do not take mental illness, or the affects it has on the person and the family, lightly. I don’t see Lyla as mentally ill, though. I don’t think mental illness comes and goes. She had a self-induced stress breakdown from the burden of her secret/deceit (and probably exhaustion from inability to sleep) and she was induced with medication to sleep for a few weeks. There is no ongoing medication, which would be the case if she was mentally ill.
I DO think Lyla lost her sense of self, but I don’t think she lost this owing to Joel. In fact, I think Joel was trying to encourage her to find her sense of self. He was the one, after all, who encouraged her to take a course or something for herself while he watched the kids. That, ironically for poor Joel, is where she met Jackson…
There are all kinds of circumstances life can throw at you where you lose your sense of identity (or the time to even be able to worry about your lost sense of self!), but allowing yourself to be surrounded with so many servants that you don’t feel like a mother anymore and don’t know how to fill your time with something meaningful?…Well, I guess it could happen, but she has to wear that one herself.
And this is my problem with Lyla…she STILL takes no responsibility for herself or her circumstances, and plays the perennial victim. When she describes the affair, it is in helpless terms, as though she really didn’t know when she booked that hotel room that she would sleep with Jackson there that night. COME ON! And now she is right back to the deceit, while still living with (off of) Joel.
You need a sense of responsibility to have a sense of self.
But an affair in this case leading to true self-discovery? I’m sorry, but I think it is just a passive-aggressive means of getting more attention in a world where everyone around Lyla has responsibilities and is too busy to need her and pay attention to her. With Jackson, she has found someone who has hours to just focus on her and lavish attention on her, so she feels alive and special again. But pinning your esteem on another person is not a sustaining way to find meaning in your life.
If she is sure Joel is part of her problem, then she should leave Joel and distance herself from Jackson for a few months or a year until she figured out who she was absent the admiring male gaze. THAT could lead to some real self-revelations (and also time to find herself and hopefully to spend time with her kids and help them through the break-up of their family). If Jackson is the one, he’ll wait…
Lyla, I’ve been following your story with interest since you began telling it. It has some similarities to what I’m currently going through. I find it interesting that there is a lot of glossing over what appears to be some mental health issues and there is so much focus in the comments on “the affair” as opposed to what has happened to you and how you got there. I don’t believe that this is simply about feeling disconnected in your marriage, but more profoundly about disconnection of self. My husband has had severe depression and been suicidal over the last few years and it has been really difficult maintaining any sense of “connection”or even feeling like there is a partnership with him. I am in the midst of an affair. Ultimately, with this other man, I rediscover aspects of myself that have been buried between work, kids and dealing with my husband and his issues. I’m not defending my choice to anyone, or saying that this is a lasting relationship, but it has helped me remember who I am in all this and what I hope to have for myself in the future. I also understand that my affair is only a symptom of a complex problem, that has no simple solution. Has my affair been positive for me? Yes, it has. It has helped keep me sane. It’s also made me realize that I can’t stay in my current relationship. Peace out, Lyla.
If Joel wanted a trophy wife, I’m sure he could find a younger trophy wife in a second, who would not cheat on him or put him through all this pain. If you read through this blog from the beginning it is clear that he is trying…if somewhat confused about what Layla needs. I think he is trying to protect her by not addressing things and trying to keep things off her plate.
I think Jackson being the one forever is a big maybe. A sexy young guy with no responsibilities, and cold pizza boxes laying around his tiny apartment, and all the time in the world to talk to you over coffee may seem wonderful when you are caught up in the same old, same old of everyday life may seem ideal, but I don’t think it would stay that way long-term.
And I guess Lyla will be counting on a significant amount of alimony to keep the nannies and her lifestyle so she does not have to (gasp) get a job, and can continue to focus on herself full-time and “becoming” who she wants. But wait…could the core problem be that she is bored and pampered and nothing is expected of her? Because gaining confidence by seeing yourself reflected in a man’s admiring eyes is still only borrowed confidence. I think acting with courage and taking responsibility for her own choices, as Leslie said, and living a life without all the lies she has made would be more effective at helping her figure out who she is.
I do think Jackson could be the real thing….maybe….but either way start moving forward…let Joel start rebuilding his life, let the kids understand so they can move on and most of all stand up, take responsibility for your choices and turn this doom and gloom into a happy and productive life…..for everyone!!!!
Did you ever think that Jackson could be the real thing, that is why she keeps going back to him? I am not saying that it is right to string Joel along but with Jackson she is real. Joel doesn’t even want to address things right now. Is Joel worried about her to get better for her or for him and his business?? Does he just need that trophy back? I am waiting for the next installment!
I have to be honest, I had taken a break from your story and have just caught up. I feel like we are back at the beggining and your affair is starting all over again…only this time no sex…just coffee. When do you get off the rollercoaster and figure this out. Groundhog day…move on!!!
I’m with Candace. You seem to be heading down the same path…maybe you have to force Joel to listen, to acknowledge, to know the REAL you. Maybe he can’t and won’t. But you won’t know it until you give it your all.
And you need to be you. Just Lyla. Without Jackson. Stay away from him long enough to figure out who YOU are and where you are going. Otherwise I think you’ll just end up back in the same cycle.
Find another coffee shop.
Poor Joel. He at least deserves the truth. Doesn’t seem like anything has really changed.
As some one who has survived an affair I completely agree with Candace.
Tell Joel that you need to talk to him to get better. Tell him he may not like some of it, but that you can’t hope to have the connection you need to if you can’t talk to him honestly.
Once again you are pretending to protect him by not telling him the truth. The reality is you are stacking the deck for Jackson to be the hero who knows the true you and loves you anyways. Give Joel the chance to be that hero, and to stand beside you and brave the club.
Because the truth is you have hurt and betrayed him terribly and yet he lays beside you crying quietly, making no demands of you…just praying for you to get better. THAT is love in real life…unaltered by the escapism you have with Jackson.
If you can’t do that, then you have already made up your mind. So stop the lies and leave Joel, so he can begin to heal. Let Jackson work for his hero-status and support you through your “healing” on his own.
Because these ARE the same lies you lived before that you say almost killed you (dramatic). And they are the same lies that you hurt Joel and your family with.