I sit, just staring. I don't know how long I've been here and I don't really care. After all, it's not like anyone is missing me. Everyone is taken care of. I have been rendered surplus in my own life. This latest revelation shocks and consumes me. I can think of nothing else. When I dreamed of … [Read more...]
Yearning.
As I left Dr. C's office my head was spinning. I was raw with emotion and completely exhausted. I sat for a long time across the street at a little park, blindly staring as the world went on around me. I felt so alone and confused and empty. I yearned for someone to hold me and soothe me, to tell me … [Read more...]
Confession.
I walked into Dr. C's office and after our initial how are you's I decided to dive right in. I knew I would lose my courage if I waited too long."I have something I need to tell you." I blurted out."Please do." Dr. C responded calmly, knowingly."I am having an affair. I mean, I am in love … [Read more...]
is anyone having sex?
Now that I have your attention. I am wondering if any of the married folk are having sex ? If so how often? Is it meeting with your needs or are you wanting more than you are getting? Would you rather file your taxes? Has your sex drive gone the way of the dodo bird? Do you crave it or jump … [Read more...]
Selfish.
There was never any doubt that I was being selfish. I have known this from the start. I guess it was, in part, because I felt owed. I wanted something more for myself. I felt that our lives revolved around Joel and the life he always wanted so I thought it was my time to even things out. It is not … [Read more...]
Notes on infidelity-grass is grass
Infidelity has always existed. Lately it has created some steam within this blogging community.We all live by some deal breakers. In time and with some life experience, some of them are modified, even thrown out and some of them are held onto even more tightly. There are many things each of us … [Read more...]
Collision.
Joel and I have been seeing less and less of each other. If he has noticed he hasn't said anything. He makes small gestures but he is too busy to really follow through. I have been working hard on sorting through the jumble of emotions and information in my head. In many ways I see things more … [Read more...]
Therapy.
It has been a number of months since I began this duplicitous life. I know it can't last. And, really, I don't want it to. The last while has been a period of self-discovery but also intense emotional pain and stress. The deception is killing me but it is also what keeps me getting out of bed every … [Read more...]
Thursdays.
Jackson and I meet every Thursday at 2pm at his apartment. This is a day and time when I am meant to be "running errands" so I know no one will miss me. It has become my beacon. It is what keeps me feeling real and gets me out of bed every day. It is what inspires me to hope and to move forward and … [Read more...]
Separate and Apart
Well, it's for real. My husband and I are now living, in the words of the law, "separate and apart". It's been...a long, hard journey. And now that I'm here, I can look back and realize that the getting here was a lot worse than the being here is (does that make any kind of sense at all?). What I … [Read more...]
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