No. I’m not Lyla (thank god). But I am your new voice at Dirty Little Secrets (which, btw, I probably would have named something different but, I inherited it so I’m stuck with it).
Here’s a little about me and how my new gig here started:
We weren’t getting regular posts at DLS so I thought it was time to throw my hat in the ring. Plus, I was so sick of Lyla’s story and I knew it was time to tell my own. Her dramatic, Harlequinesque tale of passion and woe made my stomach turn. My apologies to the author but I just couldn’t take it anymore. So, here I am doing something I never thought I would do. I am telling you a story, my story, a real, true story of infidelity.
For the sake of this blog I will be “Amy”. Obviously, I am not but I always liked that name so now I get my chance. Here are a few requests; please don’t comment “your husband might find out!” or “what about your poor kids?”. I’ve got it covered thank you very much. Also, I know there will be anger and judgment but if we could keep the discussion as open minded as possible it would be much more productive. I don’t expect you to like what I have to say but I do think we can all learn from each other.
So, here’s my story. I am your neighbour, your friend, the mom you chat with over coffee. I am a 44 year old mother of 3, I am attractive but not drop-dead gorgeous, I have a good job, a house in an urban neighbourhood in Toronto and I have been married for 21 years to a great guy. I have lots of friends, a close family. I am very content with my life. I love my husband and I always have. We are partners and the best of friends. We love our children and share a similar philosophy on raising them. I want to grow old with my husband. I have no interest in changing that.
I have had 5 affairs over the course of our relationship.
I imagine you are thinking that is impossible to love my husband and be with another man. Yet I do and I have. Probably you are questioning what kind of a mother I am or role model to my children. Yet my kids are confident and well adjusted and, just like the details of many things in their parents’ lives, this is irrelevant.
It is important for me to say that I am merely telling my story. I am not professing that this is the way you should live or that “you would be so much happier if…” I don’t know you so how can I say? But the relationships I have had with these wonderful men have been a gift and I would not change that. Just like new friends or colleagues, these men have given me something wonderful and added to my life. I believe that my affairs have helped my marriage, not hurt it. They have added clarity to my life and given me great joy that I have, in turn, passed on to others.
I know that in our society today it is hard to wrap our heads around this without judgment. We are taught and told and reinforced over and over again that monogamy is the key to happiness. That finding that “true love” or “The One” is the ultimate goal and an achievable one. But I disagree. I think that this has, in fact, created a major issue. The idea – no, the expectation – that one person can meet every single one of our needs is killing marriage and creating a society of seriously unhappy and unrealistic people.
I guess that is as good an intro as any. I am open to your questions and prepared, I think, for the rest. I will post here when I can and when I am inspired to do so by questions or comments or events in my life that I think will shed some light. I am no Lyla. What I am hoping to achieve is to enlighten people and show that, just like anyone, we all make choices. And these are mine.
Really impressed! Everything is very, very clear, open is a description of the problem. It contains the information.
You have lots of useful pointers on this site. This is a well written article that I have bookmarked for future reading. Have a fun.
spot on, sara 🙂 i never believed a word of her ‘bodice ripper’ and couldn’t believe anyone fell for it
Speculate all you want. The cheater is Amy and don’t lose sight of that.
She gets here what she deserves.
Wow, so much hate! It’s great to be able to have an opinion, but in the end, none of us is living in Amy’s shoes. Disagree with her as you will, do it politely.
Anyways, I am just curious, what would Amy’s reaction be were she to discover multiple infidelities on her husbands part?
Jill I think you are right about how others are misdirecting their anger towards Amy.
It is obvious that Amy’s story has triggered deep personal feelings for those that have been betrayed by their spouse or loved ones and of course their responses are going to be more judgmental because it is digging up old or current scars and causing them to bleed again by reliving some portion of there experience through Amy. To those individuals, you are directing your anger at the wrong person and need to obviously deal with your own situations, as it seems that some of you are still very raw and emotional from them. And yes I think you have the absolute right to be angry with YOUR betrayal, but you can not judge everyone else by YOUR situation. Everyone’s path is different.
Do I approve of what Amy is doing, no, it’s not for me. I have a healthy stable marriage of 21 years and have never felt the need to go looking for sex anywhere but my own home. BUT, what Amy is doing does not affect me or my life in anyway, so inside of judging her, I’m just interested in her story.
I may not agree with it and some of it may anger me, but that doesn’t mean I have the right to judge what works for her and her husband (with by the way he does know what is happening, Amy cleared that up in her second post).
So for those that are having difficulty with this story, perhaps you should refrain from reading this blog if it triggers you so badly. Direct your anger where it belongs and let Amy tell HER story, it’s not YOUR’S.
I called this Amy thing just that and my comment was deleted.
No Jill. What I see in Amy is potentially my cheating wife. What I see is complete selfishness. If her husband does not actively condone her behaviour, then she is nothing more than a slut. Pure and simple.
“You are simply using Amy to avoid responsibility for your feelings.”
What utter crap. If you are a psychologist I suggest you need some education upgrading
I encourage you all to read this UrbanMoms post about tolerance: http://www.urbanmoms.ca/moms_the_word/2012/04/tolerance-and-free-speech.html
Those who are so angry and hateful, it is misdirected. It is not about Amy at all. What you are feeling is personal to you. You are simply using Amy to avoid responsibility for your feelings.
Very well said Christy. I am living this nightmare right now. Heck my slut wife might be “Amy”. Bloody lovely.
I just don’t understand how this possibly could have been something to make a marriage better. In the sense that only one party knows about it. I think what “Amy” means is that her actions have made HER happier and somehow more satisfied. If indeed this would be something to make a marriage better, there would be no need for secrecy. The reason it is kept a secret is because she knows it would devastate her spouse. As it would devastate ANY spouse! I can’t even imagine how my husband would feel to have something so SACRED as our marriage bed be defiled by sharing the most intimate part of our relationship shared. Total devastation. Not to say that marriage can’t be healed or survive something so awful but it would take a lot of repentance, forgiveness and rebuilding of trust. I also want to make it clear that I believe any marriage could fall to infidelity given the right recipe. I do everything that I can to protect my marriage because I know that no marriage is perfect and it could happen to us too. I do not, for one SECOND believe that infidelity is EVER something that can strengthen a marriage. And to believe so is a lie and a pathetic means to justify wrong actions. FIGHT for your marriage woman! If you love your husband, do not be deceived. Come clean, repent to him, ask forgiveness, be wholly devoted. Put him FIRST! I know in my marriage (of 12 years) the MOMENT I start putting myself first our relationship begins to crumble. If the two of us work together to love the other FIRST then and ONLY then is our relationship rich and deep and true and pure. It takes work, it’s hard! I really hope you can work this out. But, truly it’s up to you.
Colin, I’ve not justified/defended/condoned anyone or anything – please read more carefully. Again, I say about this blog in general – if you do not like the subject matter, then you do not have to read a word of it. It seems quite clear to me that this offends you in every way, so don’t give yourself a massive coronary over it – just close your browser or read something else on Urban Moms – there are so many great bloggers to choose from.
I don’t know who this writer is. Her marriage doesn’t concern me, nor does it offend me. Some people marry more than one person at a time… it’s not for me, but it’s not offensive to me or my marriage sensibilities. Same-sex marriages do not offend me. People who live together unmarried with children do not offend me. People who marry eight times do not offend me. I can read about someone else’s life without foaming at the mouth.
I will read what she writes here if it interests me, and I will make any opinions/questions/comments here in the same way I usually treat all people – politely, and reserving harsh judgement until I hear some more. At the end of the day, what she does or doesn’t do changes nothing in my life.
I do take offence to bashing though. In all ways – in person, or online. There’s no reason for it, and there are better ways to get one’s point across. Anyway, name-calling is just childish and boring, and everyone can do better than that. Can you dig it?
Colin, if you read “Amy’s” second entry we now find out she is not (at least now) being deceitful or dishonest as her husband is aware of her actions. As for “wrong” well that of course is up to your personal interpretation and I think the real point to her blog…exploring what is an unconventional marriage in society. I think it would have helped Amy’s story and our understanding of her situation had this information come to light upfront.
this just sounds like your are justifying/defending/condoning her selfish behaviour. No matter how you slice it, it’s wrong,deceitful, and dishonest.
If YOU do not like to read the negative comments then it is you who should not read them.
I think she’s talking about her own feelings and thought processes here – I don’t expect this blog to be eight-kinds-of-guilty-feelings, and sobbing on the floor (at least, not all the time) – but that doesn’t make her cold or unfeeling. I can’t imagine she’s not thought about this, or that she’s being flippant with her actions. She’s not here to be absolved by any of us – she’s just telling her story. So, let her.
And if you can’t glean anything good/interesting/thought-provoking about it, then don’t read it.
Everybody just be cool…
Point taken Annabelle. I’m sure Amy is a very nice, intelligent person… I’m sure she IS my neighbour, friend, and the Mom I chat with over coffee. Her blog just rubbed me the wrong way as it sounds so cold and has not a hint of remorse over the lives she could possibly ruin with her lifestyle decisions. I could care less about her actual affairs — to each their own. I just felt an overwhelming need to stand up for her husband and children… someone has to. Being a Mom and a 100% committed wife, I guess it’s hard for me to read her story as I couldn’t imagine doing something for my own happiness alone that may rip my family apart and hurt the ones that I love the most. But I guess that’s just me. Maybe through this anger, she can in turn learn from us as well and think a little deeper about the long term consequences of her actions. One can only hope that we can all take away something positive from this…
I didn’t know that saying “learning” from someone meant “agreeing” with someone. But considering the anger here, it is no surprise that every comment or suggestion is viewed as an opportunity to attack.
Don’t like the show? Change the channel. Hate the book? Put it down. The great thing about these forums and blogs is that they encourage discussions and opportunities for us to learn from each other, to learn about each other, and if we don’t like the blog, we have the power to simply decide NOT to read it, and not spend so much time attacking the blogger and fellow readers.
Thank you for writing this. I appreciate you putting into words the relationship that I, too, am experiencing. My status is similar – long content marriage, kids, full life, etc. Recently I have started an affair. I have done this Uips from what I have taken out of it. I look forward to following your blog and hearing what you have to say.
Sorry Chrysta! I agreed with your comment wholeheartedly! 🙂
This is what’s wrong with society. What could we possibly learn from this “Amy”? From the very beginning she is lying to us, the same way I assume she is lying to her husband and kids by keeping her affairs from them.
Why not blog using your real name, prove to us that your husband knows about your affairs and have consented to an open marriage.
“I imagine you are thinking that is impossible to love my husband and be with another man. Yet I do and I have. Probably you are questioning what kind of a mother I am or role model to my children. Yet my kids are confident and well adjusted and, just like the details of many things in their parents’ lives, this is irrelevant.”
You think your kids are confident and well adjusted. I want to hear from the too. Do they know about your infidelities? Do you seriously think they would have grown up that way if you hadn’t lied and kept the details of your relationships from them.
I was happy that Lyla finally stopped blogging. I thought urbanmoms finally deleted it. Why resurrect it? You want people to know about your choices, your reasons. Well here’s my choice, I will treat each and every single one of “Amy’s” post as garbage and a lie.
Of course my comment wasn’t mentioned. Guess I’m not intellectual enough for THIS board!!!
Maybe I don’t have the gift of gab (in my above posts), but I was just SO damn angry after reading “Amy’s” self-righteous bullshit AND all the comments made about looking forward to “learning” something from her — ARE YOU SERIOUS??? What the hell are you going to learn from someone who obviously only cares about her own selfish needs and puts her children and husband on the back burner in the “irrelevant” category? Thank you Kat, Steve, Karen, and Kim for your comments… I’m glad I’m not alone in thinking that this is wrong on SO many levels.
It’s your life. Your perspective. No one know what goes on behind close doors etc…but you have openly and knowingly opened yourself up all the abuse and hostility that will come from this type of blog. I hope you have a thick skin. It will be interesting to hear your story.
So In My Humble Opinion….
Unless you have an open marriage in which your husband has agreed to and has given his blessing on this lifestyle choice of yours then everything you say is only your attempt to justify and defend something that you know is wrong.
While I can appreciate YOU may have a different idea on marriage and all the positives YOU think it has brought to the marriage the point seems clear you are keeping this information from your husband. You are indeed lying, cheating, hiding and holding secrets you know to be wrong. Either by societies standards or by your husband’s standards. I’m not saying don’t cheat. I don’t give a rats ass about your affairs but I would have been more receptive to your blog had you not claimed to be soblissful by how these “relationships I have had with these wonderful men have been a gift” “They have added clarity to my life and given me great joy that I have, in turn, passed on to others”
Give me a break. You lie and cheat and your husband doesn’t know. Please don’t hide behind some righteous idea of higher enlightenment for goodness sake. I’m sure your husband would be devastated to know you get these gifts from other men. If not devastated then at least feel like HIS marriage has been a lie. It works for YOU. You hide behind “it helps my marriage” to defend your actions. It works for your part of the marriage. You have assume your husband’s part in this, which is grossly unfair because he has no idea. and to say “it’s irrelevant to my children” is not only preposterous but irresponsible. It’s part of your life. Part of your beliefs, what makes you, you, therefore part of their lives too.
A little more self-awareness and honestly would have been refreshing in a blog about cheating.
I’m curious. If this is such a positive thing in your life, a benefit to your marriage, a simple detail that is irrelevant to your children, and allows you to offer such joy to others, why bother with an alias? Other bloggers here post their photos, real names and email addresses.
I’m also curious why when there are so many important things to discuss that are truly relevant to moms – the challenges of raising happy and healthy kids, health and healthcare, environment, sustainable living, education, creating positive relationships within families and communities, why urbanmom continues to solicit writers who focus on infidelity, deceit, and denying the impact of their indiscretions.
This is like a crime scene.. I just can’t look away! Best comment yet goes to Tracey. Huzzah!
Looking forward to learning about Amy’s situation and learning from it.
Sorry, typo… “As a male whose wife is an adulter…”
As a male whose is an adulter, I can only hope your husband is oblivious because from current personal experience, it sucks beyond words to know you’re being cheated on. Not sure what your vows (your promises) entailed but mine never included betrayal, cheating and lying. These are traits I associate with uncivilized people, people who are selfish and have no shame. If hubby does know AND has given his direct consent (silence and avoidance are NOT consent), then more happiness to you both. An open marriage is not what I signed up for or face consent to.
Did he?
So let me get this straight. I’m a brunette, and my husband has always had a secret desire to be with a redhead. So, being that I will never BE a redhead, he can go out and have an affair with one because I can’t or won’t meet that need. This, in your opinion Amy, would make our marriage better? Because after all, you stated that the idea or expectation that one person can meet every single one of our needs is killing marriage and creating a society of seriously unhappy and unrealistic people, correct? Wow. I’m enlightened.
I can respect a person’s decisions on what works for their life. But I would really LOVE to hear her husband’s perspective on this… wouldn’t you? Chances are, he doesn’t know about her infidelity and the consequences of her actions will be devastating if he finds out by accident or someone tells him other than her. I am angry from her husband’s point of view. If he knows about her outside relationships because she’s been honest with him and given him the right to make choices for his life as well, then I say “YOU GO GIRL”. Most everyone here claims they won’t judge — but what if this was happening to someone you loved? Would you stand by and watch without judgement if, let’s say, your brother found out that his wife has been cheating on him, not once, but countless times? Would you sit by as your brother’s life fell apart and you had to watch him go through a world of pain that he didn’t sign up for when he said “I do”? Yeah… I’m sure you would all take the cheating wife out for lunch and hear her perspective and say “hey — whatever works for you”. Of course she’s content in her marriage — but would her husband be just as content and committed if he found out? I seriously doubt it.
Well of course your husband can’t meet all your desires.I have a great relationship with my husband but I know I can’t meet all his desires and he doesn’t meet all mine.
But that is where self control and realizing that you can do without a few desires has to kick in.If you are getting the important things in the relationship like being best friends and partners why on earth would you want to ruin your chances for a great future with your husband.
I really don’t see how sneaking around and lying to your husband (which is what you probably have to do) is helping your marriage at all.I think this is what you tell yourself in order justify your lack of self control
LOL Julie!!!
Is this Colin character for real? Seriously dude… enough with the condescending insults. If you don’t have anything intelligent to say, move on.
She never said she had a great marriage. She said she was content, loved her husband, and was committed to her marriage.
Let’s hold the judgment. We get it, you wouldn’t cheat and that is fair. But you might learn something from her. You haven’t even heard her perspective yet.
And to your comment “They have added clarity to my life and given me great joy that I have, in turn, passed on to others.” Yes… I can understand how receiving flowers and gifts from your “men on the side” and then turning around and re-gifting those because you can’t take them home would bring you great joy that you can pass on to others. Sarcastic, I know… but I can’t help myself.
Let me start out by saying I am a Mom of two boys and am married to an absolutely INCREDIBLE man. Thoughtful, attentive, funny, talented, giving, AMAZING father, lover and best friend — SO hard to find, wouldn’t you agree ladies? I consider myself one of the very lucky few and can truly say we have a happy marriage. I can not imagine the absolute guilt I would feel in betraying this man who has committed his life to me and our children. I am trying VERY hard to understand how infidelity has helped your marriage as the message I receive is that you like your cake and can eat it too. Your affairs come across as selfish, but obviously they have made you happy somehow — attention? excitement? something different? knowing you “still got it”? You say you have a great marriage, but is it really? Obviously there are many, many things missing that you feel a need to seek out elsewhere. How about trying HONESTY and CLEAR COMMUNICATION with your husband and giving him a choice of whether he wants to be a part of this lifestyle you’ve chosen? I just really hope your husband is aware of your affairs as he has every right to know that the “happiness” in your marriage depends on whether you’ve had your infidelity “fix”. He also has the right to decide if he’d like to risk his health by accepting a “gift” you may bring home to him that has him scrambling to an STD clinic, or worse… (HIV). I wonder just how “happy” your marriage would remain if he one day finds out about your 5 affairs… or just how “happy” your children will be once your husband leaves you and they end up the collateral damage being shuffled back and forth. Live and let live… definitely. But one day your “happy” home may crumble around you and you’ll be left wondering if all those other men were worth giving up your family for. Justify it as you may… but the words SELFISH and SELF-INDULGENT keep coming to my mind. No wonder marriages don’t stand a chance these days — loyalty, communication, honesty and trust have gone out the window for a society that is all about “ME, MYSELF, AND I”.
Maybe “Amy” is Colin’s wife…….
While we value everyone’s opinion, comments containing derogatory language will be deleted. Please refrain from name calling.
I mean that you seem to be here only to bash her, and you’ve done it. Not even very interestingly. And there was nothing constructive about your comment – you judged her in your own way, rudely and crudely, so feel free to leave the arena, man.
*dings bell* Thanks for playing.
No need to worry about my wife. We’ve been together 31 years and neither has found the need to cheat.
It sounds like you on the other hand my have done just that and you are looking for some justification for your behaviour.
Ok. So tell me what would be constructive.
You going to tell me that it “just happened”? Five times?
Or that she learned some new sex tricks from these five guys and now she uses them with her husband so they both benefit from her cheating?
Spare me the self righteous indignation here and lets be honest and call a spade a spade.
Huzzah.
This is going to be interesting…
And I’m thinking comment’s like Colin’s are not constructive at all – it’s better to say nothing at all, sir.
This comment was deleted due to offensive language.
What I’m curious is do you go into these relationships knowing it’s a temp thing, a fling? I would be afraid of falling of love and then what? Do you continue with your husband or start a new life, or continue with both? And bravo to you for writing about this topic, it’s something that happens more than people know and truly without any of us being in your shoes how could we have any right to judge?
I agree with Jason.
I also get that this is the “dirty little secret” blog, but I think broadcasting your affairs in public (although anonymous) is an even bigger punch to the nuts to your husband.
Good luck.
As the sole male blogger here and likely in the gender minority as a reader as well, I commend the tackling of such a sticky and cloudy topic. It’s provocative and who doesn’t love reading provocative?
My only question so far, assuming these relationships were completely clandestine, is how prepared were you for the consequences of getting caught?
As the person closest to your husband you could somewhat project his reaction so I am curious to know how that played into each decision as it moved passed the traditional line of fidelity.
J.
I’m not sure how I feel about this. Your explanation is intelligent, and very thought provoking, which makes it difficult for me to pass judgement, or dismiss your situation out-of-hand. There IS a lot wrong with our “modern institution of marriage”, and I think that as society continues to resist and rupture the constructs that inform our interactions the definition or “rules” of marriage need to become more personally relevant. What works for one obviously doesn’t work for everybody, and vice versa. Anyway, I’m in a happy, monogamous, traditional (if secular) marriage, but I’m very interested in what you have to say. And I really appreciate you presenting your situation as something more meaningful than “reality tv”.
Amy – I’m totally intrigued to read more from you in a NON HARLEQUIN style. Not meaning to offend ‘lyla’ either but I didn’t buy a thing she wrote…I thought I was reading a bodice ripping paperback at the grocery store. I often wonder if I’ve been single for so long because I question whether people can actually be monogamous. I’ll be interested to see what you have to say.
I have a question. Are these affairs your husband knows of or doesn’t know of? I’m finding more than a few of my friends are in non-monogamous relationships. I’d like to wrap my head around it better. Also, it’s nice to see that you find your outside relationships to have made your marriage better.