As I pulled into the driveway of my home I started to realize the enormity of what I had done. I had crossed a line and could never go back. I was suddenly feeling far less confident about my choice, my clarity and commitment were suddenly lost in a haze of insecurity and self-doubt.
But this was just the beginning. As I turned off my car, the front door of the house burst open and out came my children, running as fast as their little legs would carry them, throwing their bodies into my arms. And behind them was Joel, solid and self-assured, with a contented grin on his face seeing us together.
“How was your alone time?” he whispered into my ear as he leaned down to give me a hug. “We missed you.”
I couldn’t breathe. I was fighting back tears as the panic began to rise. I was sure it showed all over my face, my betrayal. I knew that at any second Joel would take a closer look and see the change and everything would fall apart before I even had a chance to figure it out and make a plan and protect them.
Luckily, the kids provided a distraction. Clinging to me, they pulled me inside to tell me stories, show me pictures they had drawn and perform the “play” they had made up. Joel brought in my luggage and joined me for the last act of the play. He sat down close to me on the couch with a possessive arm over my shoulder weighing down on me heavily. I realized at that moment that he always sits like this, a tight grip around me.
As soon as the children were done I leapt up to start lunch for the kids. I was looking forward to having a quiet afternoon together. But before I could get to the kitchen Joel said, “Don’t worry about lunch, baby. Jessa is here for the night. We’re meeting Mark and Ellie at the club for dinner. There’s that hospital fundraiser thing tonight. Could be great for business. I made an appointment for you to get your hair done at noon and put out the new Versace dress I bought you. It’ll be perfect. You’ll barely have time to get ready before we have to head out so you better keep moving.”
And that was that. He walked away.
And then I felt it. That pang of knowing. That tiny little spark that I had lit inside me was reignited. That part of myself that had denied this for years, done his bidding, been his perfect wife was slowly being pushed aside and the woman I was meant to be was moving in. She was a bit of a train wreck right now but she was learning. And soon she would be strong enough to take a stand and be herself.
But now was not that time.
I kissed the kids, got back into my car and headed for the salon. I didn’t want to be late.
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