In my last post I told you about transitioning to life after separation. I was heading back to the US for my first business trip since leaving Dan and I was looking forward to a little space between me and my messy life. Most people here had no idea what was going on in my personal life and I liked that just fine. It would give me time to think and get some perspective without my family or friends weighing in.
I decided I was not going to make any major decisions about anything else in my life for a while. I wanted to settle into this new reality and just live. I needed to get to know myself again outside of the context of my relationship with Dan. In reality, I had no idea who I was. I had been a teenager the last time I was not part of our attached-at-the-hip duo and so much had changed.
Throughout this time I had to keep reminding myself of why I was doing this. Despite the disappointment and judgment from others and the pain and isolation I felt now, at the core I felt relief. And, for the first time in a very long time, I felt hope and promise for my life. I knew I wasn’t the girl I was in High School but so little had changed in how I lived my life since then that I had been unable to explore other sides of myself.
I arrived the next morning in our offices and it was like a breath of fresh air. No one stopped to ask how I was doing or shot me a dirty look. Not even Grant. I was just Amy as I had been two weeks ago when I left and that was such a huge relief.
I completely threw myself into work over the next few weeks. Instead of heading back home I decided the project was best if I continued on at the US office until its completion and my boss agreed. I knew that this was my way of not only building a new life for myself but also of avoiding my old one. My friends and family were reaching out, looking for answers themselves, and I was unavailable.
Dan and I spoke briefly during this time making arrangements and dealing with the practicalities. At this point we never got into anything more. He didn’t ask and I didn’t offer but underneath it all we both knew that we would need to have a bigger conversation at some point soon.
After my first full month in the US I began to feel a new confidence I had never felt before. I was alone a lot by my own choosing and I was enjoying it. I began to fill my time with things I enjoyed. I wasn’t always worried about what other people would think or of disappointing someone or messing with the status quo. I made new friends, went out for dinner, explored the city and started to run. I was content and, at times, even happy.
My life was by no means in order and, in fact, it was probably a big giant mess. But for the first time in my adult life it felt right.