In my last post I told you about transitioning to life after separation. I was heading back to the US for my first business trip since leaving Dan and I was looking forward to a little space between me and my messy life. Most people here had no idea what was going on in my personal life and I liked that just fine. It would give me time to think and get some perspective without my family or friends weighing in.
I decided I was not going to make any major decisions about anything else in my life for a while. I wanted to settle into this new reality and just live. I needed to get to know myself again outside of the context of my relationship with Dan. In reality, I had no idea who I was. I had been a teenager the last time I was not part of our attached-at-the-hip duo and so much had changed.
Throughout this time I had to keep reminding myself of why I was doing this. Despite the disappointment and judgment from others and the pain and isolation I felt now, at the core I felt relief. And, for the first time in a very long time, I felt hope and promise for my life. I knew I wasn’t the girl I was in High School but so little had changed in how I lived my life since then that I had been unable to explore other sides of myself.
I arrived the next morning in our offices and it was like a breath of fresh air. No one stopped to ask how I was doing or shot me a dirty look. Not even Grant. I was just Amy as I had been two weeks ago when I left and that was such a huge relief.
I completely threw myself into work over the next few weeks. Instead of heading back home I decided the project was best if I continued on at the US office until its completion and my boss agreed. I knew that this was my way of not only building a new life for myself but also of avoiding my old one. My friends and family were reaching out, looking for answers themselves, and I was unavailable.
Dan and I spoke briefly during this time making arrangements and dealing with the practicalities. At this point we never got into anything more. He didn’t ask and I didn’t offer but underneath it all we both knew that we would need to have a bigger conversation at some point soon.
After my first full month in the US I began to feel a new confidence I had never felt before. I was alone a lot by my own choosing and I was enjoying it. I began to fill my time with things I enjoyed. I wasn’t always worried about what other people would think or of disappointing someone or messing with the status quo. I made new friends, went out for dinner, explored the city and started to run. I was content and, at times, even happy.
My life was by no means in order and, in fact, it was probably a big giant mess. But for the first time in my adult life it felt right.
You are the embodiment of the information you choose to accept and act upon. To change your circumstances you need to change your thinking and subsequent actions
This story is taking way too long.