The Hospital fundraiser was everything Joel hoped it would be and more. There was networking, and socializing and I was his perfect accessory; elegant, intelligent, and able to entertain myself. The whole night I felt outside myself. Who was this person? How had I spent so many years believing this was who I am? It all seemed like so much work now, so contrived.
Even the conversations I had with my friends seemed bizarrely surreal. Nannies, private schools, designer clothing and the latest diet and exercise routine. I longed for the deep and intelligent conversation of Jill’s friends at the party, challenging each other to think and express themselves. I felt completely confined.
When Joel and I finally got home he was on a high. He had made some fabulous business contacts and had meetings set up all of next week. He talked endlessly of “opportunities” and “growth”. And I tried not to show my panic.
You see, I had seen this mood many times before. Joel was a salesman by nature and he got such intense pleasure from a successful pitch that he was on top of the world, indestructible. And this extreme confidence always led to the bedroom.
My head was spinning. I couldn’t handle it. I hadn’t thought this through. I went ino the washroom to get ready for bed and broke down in tears. I locked the door, got in the shower, sat down on the floor and cried. I was a cheater, a liar and a phony. I was scared. How do I do this? What do I do now?
And then I thought, what makes this so different? I had been fooling myself for years so what were a few more nights? The tears stopped. I turned off the shower, dried myself off and took my towel clad body into our bedroom where, as I suspected, Joel lay waiting.
I got into bed next to him, closed my eyes and thought of Jackson.
