I sit, just staring. I don’t know how long I’ve been here and I don’t really care. After all, it’s not like anyone is missing me. Everyone is taken care of. I have been rendered surplus in my own life. This latest revelation shocks and consumes me. I can think of nothing else.
When I dreamed of a family I saw myself at the core, the hub, the one who held it all together. I never imagined that my neediness would lead to my own demise. I am amazed – I am dispensable and it is my own doing. The early days of our marriage set the tone, I needed help. We had the money so we brought in a housekeeper, I had a personal trainer, a dog-walker, a gardener and a handy man on call. I spent most of my days at the club and my evenings out with Joel. I was living large and making sure everyone noticed. This was, after all, the life I so envied and now I was living it.
By the time the kids came along I didn’t even think twice when Joel brought in the night nurse as a gift, he was worried. And then the nanny, I looked frazzled. Often Joel would travel and I would go with him. The kids spent their days and nights with childcare providers. We were rarely home. And very quickly my babies began to rely on others for their physical needs. I was so consumed with my quest for The Perfect Life that I barely noticed.
But there was always an empty feeling, an ache, that most of the time I chose to ignore. I treated this growing emptiness with designer dresses, lunches out and fine wine. Because of my self-imposed distance I started to see my kids turning to others for comfort. Once again I faltered. Instead of taking stock and stepping up I simply buried myself deeper in my life and avoided the truth. My heart hurt but I didn’t admit it to anyone. Not even to myself. I had it all. Everything except what I really needed.
Some people were born to be mothers. The sleepless nights, crying jags and loads of laundry are par for the course. Their children’s constant need of them a joy. I didn’t give myself a chance to find out. I gave up before I started. I felt inadequate and afraid. I was undeserving and I could never give them what they needed. It was for the best, I told myself. The other people in their lives were so good at it. They loved them with such ease.
But now I see with painful clarity that I was a fool. My fear and selfishness took away the one thing that could have been real. I am ashamed. I am alone.
As a start, I think you can take the step to start shadowing your nanny who is closest to the kids right now. If being closer to your kids is what you want, then you need to make the decision to do something about it!
Finding a zen moment while scrubbing a toilet? 🙂 Now, this I have to read!
A book suggestion…Hand Wash Cold, (care instructions for an ordinary life) Karen Maezen Miller is a Zen Buddhist priest and mum. It’s about doing the laundry, scrubbing the toilet and car pooling as a, yes, spiritual practice. It’s about living our lives ourselves, not farming the work. I thought it was a cool take on being a mum and the to do list that goes with the job. I hope you find peace.
Wow Cayla. What a fabulous poem and great perspective. It could be applied to everything in life.
Don’t beat yourself up. As moms, we are all only human & learning this stuff day by day. You are not weak, you are not a coward, you are just trying to live your life and figure out how to best do it so that you are happy. I believe that we are entitled to let ourselves lead lives where we are as happy as possible without taking away from someone else’s happiness.
The one thing I can offer as advice, speaking from (a different) experience: don’t count on or rely anyone else to make you happy. You have to make yourself happy and everyone else, whether it is your husband or not, is just the whipped cream and cherry.
I read this poem a lot & it really speaks to me. I think you may appreciate it too.
After a While
After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn
That kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child
And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers
And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.
Veronica A. Shoffstall
I don’t think that it’s too late to change this situation. You need to take a step back and focus on doing the right thing. Having an affair is not only complicating your situation, but it’s dishonest and clouding your vision.
I say, end it now.
Set things right with your children before it’s too late.
Deal with Joel.