There’s been some debate recently, spurred by sex columnist Dan Savage, who identifies himself as monogamish, about polyamory being a choice. That you choose to act poly, not simply are poly. Savage had expressed his opinion that it was a choice, and was soundly thumped by members of the poly community. There are a few great letters from poly people in his column that he handed over for rebuttals.
For us, we’ve come to the realization that we are poly, the same way I’m bisexual, and you might be straight or gay or asexual or something in between. Do you feel wired to want the love of just one romantic partner? Does the thought of your partner being in love with someone in addition to you not compute in the slightest, or fill you with white hot jealousy and rage?
We’re not wired that way. We’re wired to accept and give love from more than one partner, if the opportunity arises. This doesn’t mean we need a half dozen relationships on the go, or that we can’t be happy with just a single relationship or are unable to have a long term relationship.
A commentor on another of my blog posts here wrote that, “The sign of a real commitment and a true marriage is that we don’t act on it.” referencing not stepping outside marriage for love or intimacy. That’s simply not my description of a real commitment and true marriage at all. I know plenty of faithful couples who treat each other with disrespect, aggression, condescension or anger. Sure, they don’t sleep with other people. But is that a true marriage? Not in my books.
For me, a true marriage is one in which honesty and respect are core values of the partnership. Where there is honesty, there is plenty of talking, there is kindness, there is care and concern, there is respect. The monogamous might choose to add sexual and emotional exclusivity to that list. I just … don’t.
Ultimately we should all strive to achieve our own vision of a real commitment and true marriage, no? I’m sharing my vision, that’s all. I’m not justifying or recruiting, just sharing.
There’s nthoing like the relief of finding what you’re looking for.
“I know plenty of faithful couples who treat each other with disrespect, aggression, condescension or anger. Sure, they don’t sleep with other people. But is that a true marriage? Not in my books.”
You speak the truth.
As for whether Poly is a choice – I think in your case it doesn’t matter. You and your husband have a strong bond built on trust and mutual respect – being poly is what you both want and it works for you. I can see it being a serious problem in a relationship where one partner wants it and the other doesn’t though.
This is enlightening and thanks for sharing. I was pretty convinced this was strictly about the classic hall pass sex with others, but it seems to be more than that, at least for you.
I am still not convinced about being born poly compared to one who is born gay or bi. Seems to be more a decision based on emotional connection instead of simply being innately attracted to a specific gender.
But what do I know.
J.
I applaud you both for stepping outside the box. I’m sure this was not the easiest decision to make, going against the grain, it’s a risk. I think it’s really great that you both see things the same way. You are both lucky to have eachother, and to truly be on the same page about this. I’m sure there are plenty of couples out there that have one member in the couple who would love to explore this option but are far too concerned about the other not buying in or being hurt by the notion of it. Good for you!