Joel and I have been seeing less and less of each other. If he has noticed he hasn't said anything. He makes small gestures but he is too busy to really follow through. I have been working hard on sorting through the jumble of emotions and information in my head. In many ways I see things more … [Read more...]
Therapy.
It has been a number of months since I began this duplicitous life. I know it can't last. And, really, I don't want it to. The last while has been a period of self-discovery but also intense emotional pain and stress. The deception is killing me but it is also what keeps me getting out of bed every … [Read more...]
Thursdays.
Jackson and I meet every Thursday at 2pm at his apartment. This is a day and time when I am meant to be "running errands" so I know no one will miss me. It has become my beacon. It is what keeps me feeling real and gets me out of bed every day. It is what inspires me to hope and to move forward and … [Read more...]
That Night.
The Hospital fundraiser was everything Joel hoped it would be and more. There was networking, and socializing and I was his perfect accessory; elegant, intelligent, and able to entertain myself. The whole night I felt outside myself. Who was this person? How had I spent so many years believing this … [Read more...]
Wife.
As I pulled into the driveway of my home I started to realize the enormity of what I had done. I had crossed a line and could never go back. I was suddenly feeling far less confident about my choice, my clarity and commitment were suddenly lost in a haze of insecurity and self-doubt. But this … [Read more...]
After.
I knew I would feel this way. I was prepared. I chose this. But, somehow actually feeling it is way worse. I hate myself but at the same time I am renewed and happy. Who does what I have done? Who makes a conscious decision to destroy their family? Who ever really chooses themselves?I feel little … [Read more...]
The Dream.
That night I had a dream. I am sitting in a wooded area on a bench, hidden from view, watching all of the people stroll by. I am there alone but am content to soak up the sun and just observe. I am taking it all in when I hear a familiar child's voice shouting, "Mommy!" and I turn to see my two kids … [Read more...]
Rainstorm Vibe.
"Well, this seems straight out of a John Hughes movie or something, doesn't it?""Or a really bad romantic comedy starring Sandra Bullock or someone equally as one-dimensional.""See, Lyla. THIS is why we are friends. I would have said Sandra Bullock too.""See? This situation isn't all bad.""Who said … [Read more...]
Photo Walk
By the third week of class, it was like someone flipped a switch. Instead of hesitating before leaving the house, I actually looked forward to going. It seemed that I was not a complete failure at photography, and I was actually understanding what all the buttons were for. Also, I had several photos … [Read more...]
Lyla the Would-Be Teacher.
Interesting fact: I was almost more nervous to tell you that I have a nanny than to tell you I had an affair. It seems ridiculous, I know. But, I feel like when I tell you that I have help at home there's this stigma that comes with it, and then all of a sudden, you guys have this perception of … [Read more...]