Swiper No Swiping: Tindering While Being A Mom

“Would you strip for me, or do you not do that now that you’re a mom?”

I blinked in disbelief at the message in my inbox. Really, buddy? Obviously, now that I’m a mom, I sleep in a turtleneck because I once pushed a baby out of me. I want to reply but delete instead. Like it or not, being a mom shapes how I feel about the online dating phenomena. And there are a few gems that seem to constantly pop up in my inbox, that honestly, I could live without. But my mom goggles let me see these typical online dating faux pas in a whole new light.

Shirtless Bathroom Selfies

I get to see if you know how to clean a bathroom. I can tell by your wardrobe you bring 50% less laundry to the relationship. On the other hand, when my kid is missing something I have to go look for it so I hope I don’t have to FIND your shirt like my kid’s missing library book. I’m terrible at “Where’s Waldo?” so this won’t end well, Matthew McConaughey.

Proudly Holding Fish Pic

I get it. It’s rugged, manly and you want me to know if our plane crashes in the wild you can make dinner. I taught my son how to fish, so the fisherwoman in me honours the fisherman in you. Namaste. Beyond that, I have to be honest, I look at it and think, “My kid won’t eat that! It has a head! Do you have anything in fish stick format?” Send me a picture with a box of Highliner from Costco’s freezer aisle on a Saturday and I will be impressed. Ps. Can you grab me some milk? We just ran out. Thanks.

Shooting a Gun Pic

Please also include your target results. I use this data to determine how frequently I am going to need to mop the bathroom floor if this is going to be a thing. I hope good aim is a transferrable skill. If it’s a NERF gun, you get bonus points.

Dick Pic

In my house, if someone is showing me their junk, there is usually something wrong with it, like a rash or something. Your phone resolution is insufficient for me to form a reliable diagnosis so go see a medical professional. Dr. Mom is really tired.

I’m lucky one guy has already stolen my heart and he’s in it for the long haul, but he’s only 7. I don’t even own a turtleneck and I would like a relationship with someone my own age. Until we meet for coffee: Good job on the bathroom, I hope you find your shirt and parking at Costco, and that you finally figure out what’s wrong with your junk.