When Cuyler was in senior kindergarten, Sean and I made the very difficult decision to hold him back from grade one and retain him for another year of SK.
It was not an easy decision. We did not take it lightly and we had a lot of convincing to do as far as administration at the school.
The 2 biggest factors for us were that he is a November kid, and he is a November kid with special needs.
We wanted to ensure that he had the strongest foundation we could give him as we prepared him to go from a play based curriculum to an academic curriculum.
There have been so many bittersweet days since that decision – because of that decision.
The 2 most profound for me were a) when all of his kindergarten classmates headed into their grade 1 lineup and Cuyler went back into the kindergarten yard and b) when all of the kids he started at this school with graduated and headed off to middle school.
It made my heart hurt but I know in my mind that we made the very best decision for him. I’ve never felt an ounce of regret about it.
However, seeing all of his former classmates head off to middle school got me thinking about Cuyler heading there next year.
It actually had me obsessed. We are only midway through October and I have found myself near panic-attack mode thinking ahead to a year from now…
Will he take the regular bus or will I get a SpecEd bus to pick him up at our house?
Will he go into a life skills class or stay mainstreamed with his friends?
Will the kids from the other feeder schools who don’t know Cuyler like him as much as his familiar friends do?
If they don’t, will his familiar friends be influenced by the new kids and turn their backs on Cuy?
Will Cuyler head into middle school still obsessed with the goddamn Wiggles?
The thought of him leaving his elementary school makes my stomach turn. I feel like he is in the safe confines of this one small school with one hallway and just over 200 students – most of whom know Cuyler. This is a little bubble of security for me.
I have to start preparing myself to let him go out into a world that’s a little bigger than my comfort zone.
I have to prepare myself for perhaps more of the shittier parts of autism. Will he be bullied? Will he stand up for himself if he is?
I also have to prepare him for opportunities for success. For independence.
After all, those are our goals for him.
So I must force myself to take a step back. Take a deep breath.
I must allow myself to enjoy where we are and not worry about where we’re going.
This time next year I might be wishing I was here so I might as well be grateful for where we are NOW.
This is his last year with his EA. I need to embrace the fact that right NOW nobody knows him better than she does.
I am going to do my very best to enjoy the security of this bubble and appreciate that I am in it.
I will worry about what needs to be done now and not what might have to be done a year from now.
I will enjoy grade 5 with Cuyler and all of the exciting things that await him this year.
I have to remind myself that these same feelings came upon me as Cuyler graduated out of the safe confines of his preschool class.
preschool graduation
What I feared so much about the school system has now become my security, so I have to have faith that we will make the same positive transition into middle school.
Next year.
Christine I love your blog as well as your published work in Chicken Soup for Raising Children on the Spectrum. Your regular blog and your piece in that book were especially helpful to us after getting our diagnosis earlier this year (we thought our son was just unique and a little speech delayed but it took the preschool to tell us otherwise). My son is also a Fall-born baby and just turned 4 entering full-time JK this past September. He is on the spectrum because he has some (mild) transitional behaviour issues, significant speech delays and moderate fine motor delays. We hire therapists to help him with these but we cant be sure when he’ll be finished. Question: What were the reasons or flags that told you that you needed to hold Cuyler back in SK? For other parents, would you recommend any questions we should ask our school about our sons development in contrast to his peers? We are not able to observe him in school beyond drop-off and pick-up so we have no measure of how he differs from neurotypical children and to what degree he differs in certain respects (minor, moderate, severe). Should we ask specific and measurable questions about normal goals for JK and SK?
Hi Tabitha. Thanks so much for your kind words about my blog (and the book!)
Are you able to request an observation time with the school?
Does your son get any type of therapy or consultation through the school?
We had an OT regularly consult with his EA and teacher so she was able to provide us with insight and information about his delayed motor development and high sensory needs.
To be honest, I think the most useful thing we had to gauge his development against typical peers was his older brother, who is 18 months older and (was) 1 grade ahead. Therefore when Cuyler was entering senior kindergarten, Campbell had just left.
It was also just simple tasks; while other kids were practicing printing letters, Cuyler was not yet able to hold a pencil properly.
We thought that allowing him the extra time to gain basic skills would give him a better foundation on which to learn.
And ultimately we based the decision on instinct. The principal nor the SERT could talk us out of it. They are the professionals, but we are his experts and just knew in our gut that this was the best choice for him.
Best of luck!
Thanks for responding Christine and this is truly helpful advice. Our son attends a private school in Toronto so we do not have any connections with the TDSB and having public therapists come into the school. I was aware of the benefits of the public school board but for personal reasons we chose this school because the teacher to student ratio was so small. We also selected his school before the diagnosis but opted to stay the course given the size and attention we felt he would get (which has proven true because remarkably he is improving every day in speech and fine motor). That said, our particular private school is highly supportive and if we wanted our hired therapists to take him out of class or observe or work with him they would support this. So far, we haved opted to do the ST & OT therapy after-school and weekends simply because my husband and I want to participate (so we can reinforce the techniques). Following your advice – I asked the same questions to the school. E.g What were the teachers observations of his strengths/weaknesses in contrast to the other children? What are the traditioanl JK goals and are they planning a modified education plan for our son? Can we join a class an observe? They have graciously arranged a meeting with us to cover their observations and goals so that collectively we can ensure he is getting the support and focus he needs. And ultimately – I think you are right – we have to trust our gut when decision-time comes. Thank you again!
Sounds like you really made the right decision all those years ago, Christine – and I just know you’ll get him ready for middle school when it’s time. He’s gonna be great! 🙂
Couldn’t have said it better than Kath. Try to enjoy every moment and know that you are so equipped to handle anything..and you’ve passed that onto Cuy.
Tough transitions for any kid, exponentially more difficult for kids with autism. You are an amazing, thoughtful and loving parent, Christine, and you’re the perfect advocate for Cuy and his educational needs. I know you’ll prove to be a collaborative yet strong part of his learning team in middle school as you have been for him in elementary school!
Yes, enjoy the last sweet months of his time at this familiar and supportive school, but look forward to the adventures you have ahead of you. Cuy and his amazing mum and dad will one day be looking back at the end of grade 8 in much the same way as you look forward to the challenges of high school.
You are an inspiration!