Last night my grade one daughter came home with a little book in her school agenda, along with the instructions: “read with me”. Intrigued, I asked her to read. Thrilled, I sat beside her as she read every word:
I am here.
I like to play.
I like to play here.
And so on. I was so, so proud.
She read me the story again. Then she read for her big sister, and then her Dad. She reveled in their praise! At bedtime, I read her the book she’d signed out of the school library, and then she read me her book again.
And for a moment, a split-second, the words formed in my mind:
We should call Gramma.
Because, well, she would have loved to hear that; would have so loved to hear her grand-daughter reading her first story.
And it reminded me of a trailer I saw last weekend at the movie theatre. It was for this movie: Everybody’s Fine, starring Robert DeNiro as a widower who decides to go and visit his kids after they all bail on their annual Holiday visit to him.
Specifically, it reminded me of Drew Barrymore’s line: “sometimes I pick up the phone to dial her number…and then I remember.” (Which, incidentally, set me to sobbing uncontrollably in the theatre).
Because it’s so true! Obviously, I still have those moments. Moments where I think, “Mom would love to hear that,” or “what would Mom think?”, or even just, “gee, I want to talk to Mom”. They have started to spread out, but they haven’t gone away yet, these amnesiac moments where I believe that my Mom is still alive. It’s a brief, exciting joyful moment followed by the crashing drop Drew’s character captures so well: “…and then I remember”.
And at this point I know two things for sure:
- I miss my Mom as much as ever.
- I need to see Everybody’s Fine when it comes out.
I need to see this movie too. I sobbed at the preview. It’s strange, I have this desire to connect all of the time with others who can relate to this loss. I had a beautiful chat with Amreen of The Balancing Act (www.urbanmoms.ca/the_balancing_act/) the other day and we both wept and laughed talking about our wonderful moms and how much we miss them. I have this constant need to remember her.
I had a bizarre experience yesterday shoe shopping with my son. I was actually thinking about how I would have called her to talk about how grown up he is getting when all of the sudden I saw her walking towards me. I looked up and you won’t believe who it was. It was ME. I was walking towards a mirror and it was my reflection. That put a little smile on my face.
i am lucky enough to still have my mom and, approaching 40, i am realizing that no matter how old you get, you always want your mom.
I think that the footprint of a person’s life here on earth is marked by how many times their loved ones feel the need to call them, to touch them, or continue to smile or cry because of them. Nearly six years and I do that all the time for mom. Eight weeks now for dad and I found myself pouring soup for him the other day to brign to his house. It is so hard, I know. And then you remember…. and one day our kids will wish they could call us! What a cycle. How does that song go…”no one said it would be easy, and no one said it would be this hard”.
How true that all is. I never realised how much I would miss saying the name “Mom”. I hear other people saying it all the time and I wish I could say it to her. I miss her so much. I miss her wisdom and her moods. I miss her feisty spirit and I miss her melancholy. And I wish she could meet her grandchildren. They would have made her so happy. Sometimes when I am walking around I will catch a glimpse of her out of the corner of my eye and when I look she’s gone. Or I walk by places we used to and I tell my children about them and it hurts. Worst still, when I meet people who don’t know that she’s gone and I have to let them know and that first pain, that first sense of loss comes back.
Funny, my Mom was all about Chirstmas so those months are hard too.
Hmmmm… You know what…. a few months after my mom passes away my dad did a huge road trip. He left his house in Rhodes Island, drove to see my sister in NY state then up to see me in Canada. Then he went home for a week before driving from Rhode Island to Arizona to see my brother. He stayed for about a week with each of us.
It was nice to be together and to talk about Mom and to experience a new way of looking at my relationship with my dad. It does change a bit once one parent passes I think. All your life there have always been two of them till suddenly there is one. (It changed yet again when Dad introduced his friend Lucy to our family.)
Funny the things that suddenly make your eyes well up. Happened to me when I was working in the garden this weekend wishing I could call mom to ask her if I should cut down the clematis or leave it on the fence for the winter. This particular month is always hard. My Mom’s Birthday was Halloween so all the fun leading yo to the holiday reminds me of her.