The Hospital fundraiser was everything Joel hoped it would be and more. There was networking, and socializing and I was his perfect accessory; elegant, intelligent, and able to entertain myself. The whole night I felt outside myself. Who was this person? How had I spent so many years believing this … [Read more...]
Wife.
As I pulled into the driveway of my home I started to realize the enormity of what I had done. I had crossed a line and could never go back. I was suddenly feeling far less confident about my choice, my clarity and commitment were suddenly lost in a haze of insecurity and self-doubt. But this … [Read more...]
After.
I knew I would feel this way. I was prepared. I chose this. But, somehow actually feeling it is way worse. I hate myself but at the same time I am renewed and happy. Who does what I have done? Who makes a conscious decision to destroy their family? Who ever really chooses themselves?I feel little … [Read more...]
The Dream.
That night I had a dream. I am sitting in a wooded area on a bench, hidden from view, watching all of the people stroll by. I am there alone but am content to soak up the sun and just observe. I am taking it all in when I hear a familiar child's voice shouting, "Mommy!" and I turn to see my two kids … [Read more...]
This Moment.
As we walk through the lobby of my hotel I feel numb. The lights are bright and I feel fully exposed. My champagne buzz from earlier has worn off and I am fully aware of the seriousness of what I am doing. But I still don't stop. Instead, I rush, pulling Jackson along beside me.As we enter my room, … [Read more...]
Consumed.
I will admit it, once I saw Jackson at the party that night I couldn't focus on anything else. I was consumed by him. Every move, how he looked so intently at the person he was talking to, the tilt of his head in concentration, his hand in the back pocket of his jeans, his head thrown back in … [Read more...]
Me Time.
It was a little less than a month after our last phone call that I saw Jackson again. It was Jill's Birthday, she was turning 29 and she was throwing herself a big bash. Despite our very different lives Jill and I remained very good friends. I had never confided in her about Jackson but I am sure … [Read more...]
And Nobody Wins
"It's finally you."That's what he said when he picked up the phone. He knew I would call, eventually. And hearing his voice was the sweetest sound I had ever heard. I tried to say something in response but I couldn't find the words. Instead, I simply wept quietly into the phone as Jackson whispered … [Read more...]
Why I left. And why I’m back.
As some of you likely noticed, I took a bit of a break from writing here for a while. I needed to figure out why I was doing this and whether I wanted to continue sharing my story with the world. Even though I blog under an alias it is still MY story and when I started to receive feedback from … [Read more...]
You Were Right.
"You were right," I said to him.Wow. Those words were hard for me to say."What are you talking about sweetie?""The photography classes. Doing something that's just for ME. I couldn't be happier about it, Joel.""I know. It seems like it's made you a better mom somehow. Like you time with the kids is … [Read more...]