Infidelity has always existed. Lately it has created some steam within this blogging community.
We all live by some deal breakers. In time and with some life experience, some of them are modified, even thrown out and some of them are held onto even more tightly. There are many things each of us would say “I would never-_______” whatever that would be. In many cases(one might argue, not enough) the word “cheat” comes into it. Specifically where it is related to our marriages.
When your marriage is dying – really dying- your heart is too. During that time, I could not have thrown my energy into another person/an affair. I also hold tight to trust, being the cornerstone of who we are to each other but also who we are to ourselves. Interestingly, I interviewed someone for my other blog who said “If the postman had made a pass at me I would have slept with him”. This person was gasping for air, sad and lonely. Intimacy and connection are craved by humans the same way oxygen and food are. This live and real and loving person in front of me made me see more grey on this than black and white. This was not someone in a loving relationship who was a little bored. She was not spoiled or selfish.
A 10, 20, 30 or 50 year marriage is never going to show us at our best all the time. One day you might look across the table and say- wow he has let himself go, and it bugs me so much the way he does that weird thing with his lip or my wife only screams/nags now, where is the humour I loved? Who is this person and where is the one I married? This is any of us at any given time.
Thursday afternoons having forbidden/hidden sex where you have planned and conspired for it and prepped yourself in a way that resembles nothing you ever did for your husband/wife, will be as exciting as it sounds. Maybe even more so. You will have sex for 5 hours not 5.5 minutes. Your baby won’t cry, the roof above won’t be leaking, your mother in law won’t call in the middle and all the good and bad and ugly that you have shared with your spouse won’t come into play.
And it will knock your socks off.
But life is not made of Thursday afternoons only.
In life if we are lucky and work our butts off, we might have the deep intimacy that comes from shared triumphs and disappointments; how we were in the snowstorm that Tuesday and how we dealt together with the loss of a loved one, loss of job, loss of dignity, how we consoled each other, how we cooled off during that heat wave, how we cooled off during that heated argument, how each did 200% at times and did not keep a ledger, who you were when he fell apart, how he said you were beautiful (or even better, how he found you were beautiful even)when you really didn’t look that hot, how he held the hand of your dying father, how she gave you that surprise party, how he remembered your favourite things, how she laughed for years at his jokes.
Sometimes life is damn boring. Sometimes marriage disappoints. Some times your spouse looks like crap. Sometimes we all look and sound like idiots.Sometimes the puppy was a colossal mistake. Sometimes the reno, the monotonous business of living and that job demotion make you uglier than you would like to be. Sometimes the twins make you forget who you are. Sometimes she is sloppy. Sometimes he is lazy.
But for those of you who leave/ stray from a good marriage because you are bored or just can’t quite get into putting the ENORMOUS effort that is required to make anything worthwhile work because you are sure the grass is greener over there, I have one big message-
GRASS IS GRASS
all of it requires your full attention, feeding and light. Otherwise it dies.
New grass has weeds and worms and yet on any given Thursday, given the right light and the right mood, it can look perfect.
I have been trying to figure out how to respond to the wealth of emotion, opinion and wisdom here. You are all amazing, trying to do your best, trying to be better and make your lives good. Thank you for the heartfelt comments- it was thrilling to have this response and energy around such an important topic.
thank you for leaving this heartfelt comment. I wish you a brighter future either together or apart.
Infidelity is traumatic and devastating. It is shocking if you do not expect it. Often children suffer as the partner can snap. Thus impacting on their mental health and their parenting skills. People should either try counselling or call it quits if that does not work. It leaves a devastating blow to self esteem and a lot of anger and resentment. My so called husband and I have wasted our whole lives together. We have not had a sex life in 12 years. Our child has paid a huge price cognitively tragically etc… I had nightmares about the infidelity and my doctor said that it rocked me to my core.
Nancy thank you for this article. As someone who has been on the receiving end of an affair, I agree that marriage takea work. I never knew what that meant. I’d used it as a catch phrase without ever really knowing what the work was. I now know, thanks to marital therapy, that it is a daily commitment to ensuring intimacy and closeness, trust and security remain intact between partners. It is about communicating on a level much deeper than “I don’t like it when you —-“, and “it really makes me mad wen you say —–“. It takes a willingness to become comfortable with what makes you uncomfortable in order to have the conversations that bring about a deeper connection. So often, we just chat on the surface and never about the deeper fears and insecurities that guide our surface behavior.
Affairs are fantasy bubbles. What happens in an affair is immune to the stresses of life. No kids, no timelines, no bills, in-laws, kitchen renos….it’s all just fun. The grass looks green ad you have no idea. It’s like going to the golf course and remarking about how beautiful the grass is. No weeds, no crabgrass…perfect. If only you could see the work that goes into keep it looking like that. There are hours and hours of skill and labour there. It’s the work on the marriage that makes the grass look green. You won’t get a gold course lawn without it. And those who are having the affairs have given up, hired a gardener and are oblivious to the problems in their grass because someone else is doing the work and they just get all the pleasure out of it.
Northern nip, you should never be told to “get over it”. Rushing you through what is an enormous recovery lacks the empathy expected from someone who has brought you to this place. You don’t throw someone in a hole and then get frustrated when they can’t climb out. You extend them a hand and ask how you can help. To not do this is to lack empathy for the position you’ve placed another in. It may simply be that he can no longer tolerate his guilt and wants to remove the daily reminders. It will take work from BOTH of you, not just you. You need to “sit in the sh*t” together and get it done.
My blog http:www.rescuingmymarriage.wordpress.com documents the journey my husband and I are taking to rebuild our marriage after his affair. It’s been a year. The hardest year of my life. But, we love each other more than ever.
Thank you Nancy for this article 🙂
Mike, I’m not religious at all, but I love the concept of marriage and the intimate vow between two people to love and cherish and work together through it all and MAKE it work, even when it is tough.
I understand that it sometimes still does not work–and sometimes it should NOT work, and someone needs to leave to save him/herself, as Nancy said.
If you are open about your views and your sexual proclivities, I think it is fine for you to have an open sexual marriage, and I would not judge that. It would not work for me, but it may for you and your mate.
But cheating is when you do this behind someone’s back, and you cannot have the intimacy and love you talk about if you do this. More importantly, you have no right to make someone else’s life a life if they think you are their mate and monogamous with them. (Not to mention, the risk of disease you could bring to them.)
Absolutely you are not crazy, and I agree with Nancy. He should attend counseling with you. If he will not do this, he needs to sit down with you and talk through it with you and answer all the lingering fears and questions–as many times as you need to in order to heal!
When he says “Deal with it!,” and that it was a long-time ago, that is him not wanting to face the guilt of the ugliness and ongoing damage he caused. But for you to trust him again, and for you both to get your intimacy back, he too has to “deal with it”– and deal with what he very actively did to you, your trust, your self-esteem and your sense of reality, so you can learn to trust him again.
I know Kath. I did not have it either. And I actually think I could be really good at it. But I believe in miracles and want you to too.
As I said to my friend’s father who lost his wife- the love of his life-
“I have not had my best marriage yet”
I think there is huge injury when TRUST is destroyed. As a few commenters suggested above- there is still lingering damage 10 years later- and they are the children of this not the adults.
Our issues are never crazy. They are our issues. I think if it were me and I was going to stay in the marriage I would insist on counselling together. I wish you the very best luck with all of this. Life is so tough at times.
I say finally a comment by a man! it is great to have your comments and I think it is very true what you say about appetites- they are not all created equal. But could you elaborate on the rest- do you mean if one has a greater appetite that cheating is more understandable?
Great post Nancy! People need to remember that “grass is grass”.
Finally an intelligent talk about so called infidelity…Marriage was created by religions and does not take in effect that we are humans and humans needs change with evolution..So to think that you are set with a stranger for life is very foolish to think..A very small percentage does..
Some people have larger sexual appetites than others..Anyways you married for love—Love and sex are two totally different things, and to expect your spouse to keep to one person for sex is a fantasy and not reality…Where they lay their head at night is what you signed a marriage paper for..thats it thats all…unless you had written in detail the future that you have NO control over because you are not God..
You must accept this difference and realize that you do the most you can do for a good future but time only tells…
“May you never know firsthand the difference between loyalty and saving yourself”
Truer words were never spoken. Reading your paragraph on all the good things a true, loving relationship of equals can bring brought a tear to my eye. A tear of longing and of loss, because I never had that in my marriage, and yet a glimmer of hope that I may still have time to find it…somewhere.
Thanks. What a fantastic post. You are one heck of a lady!
This rings so true and I have dealt with it firsthand. My question is how do you now “get over it”, as my spouse now says to do? This happened a year and a half ago and I feel like I’m being put on a timeline to deal with it. Am I being crazy by still having issues?
Your 3rd paragraph really hit it for me. I think if anyone goes into marriage expecting non-stop excitement and thrills, then really they should not get married.
I am a romantic at heart, I adore all the mushy girl stuff, but I also have to realize that real life is not all love notes, afternoon nookie, and flowers. All the things that thrilled when dating do slow down A lOT when married. No fault of the hubby, it is just life calms down. And if you want afternoon nookie or flowers …it has to be scheduled and sometimes bought yourself (the flowersthat is! Not the nookie!)!
I read a really good article in some magazine the other day and it said it is not the beginning (of a new relationship) nor the end (when the kids have moved out) that is hard….it is all the years in between that is the hard part.
What a great article.
Grass is grass….I love it! !!!
I’m with Erin – infidelity caused major damage in my family of which the effects are still lingering, 10 years later…
Well said Nancy. I avoid Lyla’s posts because I have witnessed the pain caused by infidelity. It can destroy lives. So, I think that if one needs to leave their marriage, for whatever reason, one should do that before embarking on a new relationship. It sounds simple. I guess it’s not.
I’m so getting a t-shirt that says Grass is Grass….I love this.
Marianne – your words seem very wise (and if you’re the person who posted on Lyla’s blog about loving Walmart…I bow to you because you made me HOWL).
Great post, Nancy! Great things to consider here.
you are one smart cookie!
However, that would mean I turned my back on my “child” and I must tell you it is not entirely that straightforward.
May you never know firsthand the difference the difference between loyalty and saving yourself.
Why are marriages so different than parenting. You have your kids and you know that you are their mother or father forever, no matter what. And you protect them with all you have. They are not going anywhere – ever. Treat your marriage like that and you should be good.
Fantastically said and from an excellent source. You get it and you have made the life you deserve.
thank you Jen for having a place for it!
All the different kinds of love. We love to survive, as you say, its a “craving”, we need it. To stand in judgement of each others appetites is just arrogance, opps looks like I just judged the judges. Love changes over time, ebbs and flows. If a marriage is to survive you have to really LIKE each other, as in BFF. He has to be the funniest, kindest, most evolved and vulnerable man you know but he does not have to be the one you tell all your secrets to. Save that for the girls, the best girls that know how to keep it to themselves. Like all of us reading Urubanmoms, heh, heh.
I love this Nancy! I think having this conversation and really thinking about what it is we want and what we stand for is critical. Maybe then we will have perspective and see the true problems before we make any life altering decisions.
Marriage can be tough but it can also be incredibly rewarding. However, you have to get through the tough to reap the rewards.
Thanks again for your wisdom.
This is amazing and so true. One of your best.
In a life filled with days that run into other days with groceries and bills and laundry your partner sometimes loses their lustre. However, the times that test a marriage will show the true depth of the relationship. If you can get through those tough times together the rest is gravy. The fantasy of a one nighter or affair will always be better than reality.
Thank god for you Sam!
thanks Nance; I love the grass I am standing on now, with all of it’s good and bad – the hugs, the lice, the rolling eyes of the frustrated daughter, the joy of work well done, the face in the mirror – yes I am 44, and the knowledge that these are the good old times – this grass is part of the journey, who knows what tomorrow will bring.