a) a cheap slut
b) selfish
c) a nut puncher
d) a sex addict
e) self-indulgent
f) irresponsible
g) infected with/spreading STIs
h) a liar
i) a gift taker
j) a re-gifter
k) a brunette…no wait, a redhead
l) a bad mother
m) a coward
n) a cheater
Now that all of that is out of the way I am hoping we can move on. As Annabelle commented, “Don’t like the show? Change the channel.” Call me what you will, I am here to tell my story and I am hoping to show people that, although in no way perfect (what is that anyway?), my choices have shaped my life. Maybe it will help you reflect on yours? In my opinion, this blog is less about infidelity and more about living authentically. I hope at least some of you will see that.
What surprised me about the anger in the comments is not that it happened, but that it happened so soon and so vehemently. I didn’t even get a chance to tell you anything before the name calling, assumptions and mud slinging began. I find it amazing that anyone would spend time hating when that energy could be used for something productive. I encourage you to take that time and energy and put it toward something you really love, something positive, and let those of us who are here to learn from each other do so.
I know my life isn’t for everyone. I understand it is not conventional. This blog is not about convincing you to do what I do but about giving you some insight into why. What we see about infidelity on TV and in movies or read about in books and on blogs (thank you Lyla), is fantastical. Maybe this is real for some people but that is probably as far from my story as it is from the lives of the people in the comments.
I am hoping to actually tackle my story in my upcoming posts but in the meantime I think it is important to set a few things straight. My marriage has evolved over time, as have most I believe. After some tough times (which I will get into in future posts) my husband and I are in a very good place. We love each other and respect each other very much. And, although he may not be aware of specifics, he is aware that I have had and may again have (or not) relationships with other men. And I am aware that he may choose to do the same with other women.
But, and this is where many people get up in arms and can’t wrap their heads around it, we want to stay together. We are not looking for another life-partner or to get out of our marriage. We are happy together.
I will leave it there for now. Barring anything in the comments that I feel the need to address I will delve into our unique relationship, how it came to be and why it works in my next posts.
And thanks to those readers who welcomed me and seemed open to this conversation.
I like this blog very much, Its a really nice post to read and get information. “Programming graphics in X is like finding the square root of PI using Roman numerals.” by Henry Spencer.
Hmm i hope you dont get offended with this question, but how much does a blog like yours earn?
YES!!
I have to ask, Sweets, why do you care? Why ARE you spending your time here and not “loving up” your own family instead of putting that energy into being judgmental and angry and looking for ways to find fault? Yes, she could have mentioned that but she didn’t and this IS Amy’s story. Maybe she did it because she knew it would start this conversation or maybe none of it even occurred to her and she thought we would trust that she would share the details in due time. What does it matter?
Open your mind and step back and you may just learn something. This is about someone else’s choices. A difference of opinion, of perspective. I have not read anything from Amy bashing traditional marriage or any other lifestyle. Let’s just let the woman tell her story. The lesson here is not “infidelity is the way to go!” It is about difference and tolerance and acceptance. For some it is homophobia. For others it is racism. And others still it is sexism. But all are a part of the same mindset I am seeing from commenters like you – judgment and intolerance. I think you have a lot to learn here.
Sure wish you had included the little tidbit about your husband knowing about your infidelities in your very FIRST blog instead of the “got it covered thank you very much” dismissal to your readers which started my blood boiling. I could have spent my time on more important things (like loving up my husband and kids) than commenting on your blog to defend YOUR husband and children. I don’t take my words back, however… I still feel that way about ANYONE, man or woman, who puts their own selfish happiness in front of those they say they care about the most. If your husband and you are happy emotionally, it can only lead me to believe that it’s all about the physical sex and nothing further. I guess we’ll find that out though won’t we. I would still love to hear your husband’s perspective. In fact, why don’t you have HIM write a blog about it. Now THAT would be interesting…
What I hated about Lyla’s post was the deceit and the pseudo-victim mentality. I don’t think you get to avoid someone else’s needs and feelings for your own happiness. If you were saying your affairs helped your marriage, but sneaking behind his back, I think that would be really wrong, too. Since you are not, however, you and your husband are both consenting adults in an open relationship. That is your business.
I personally know myself too well and know that I could not work with this model (and I suspect many could not). But you are not advocating that other people should live this way. My fear for some with this type of structure is that one person may just play along with this because they are afraid of losing the other partner, but their heart may secretly be aching when they know their partner is stepping out. That does not seem to be the case here, though. If you are both respectful and caring and loving, and committed and focused on your relationship, then you have your eye on what is most important in love and marriage. I wish you both individual happiness, and a loving, successful marriage that meets both your needs…and lasts.
People…change the channel if you don’t like. No need to torch and bomb the television set. Go now. Buh-bye. Thanks for sharing Amy…I look forward to hearing you tell your story about your marriage with your husband. Jeesh!
wow sorry I missed the first blog you wrote (probably too busy with all my monkeys;) anyhow WELCOME!
I find your story fascinating actually and can’t wait to hear more – personally I think there are a lot more women out there who secretly (or not so secretly) wished they could lead you life.
Looking forward to hearing more………
Seriously Karen? All you have to do is NOT click on the “Dirty Little Secrets” blog. Some of us actually find this interesting, so instead of just mouthing off like you’re holier than thou and suggesting topics like this should be removed, maybe you could just exit this board and write on subjects you find less offensive. Honestly, freedom of speech? What? What’s that?
I take my hat out to you. You have done something so many wish and hope they had the courage and strength to do. I believe that “whatever makes you happy” is what you should do with your head held high. We are not here to judge one another afterall, who made us judge and jury. You have my best wishes. You are a strong woman and keep it that way. Sticks and stones may break my bones but your words cannot hurt me. 🙂
Margot, I think you hit the nail on the head. If it was a man writing this blog, the attitudes would totally be different. Whose to say what is right or wrong, only we
can address what is moral or ethical based on our beliefs, values, experiences, etc.
I look forward to reading more of what “Amy” has to say.
Maybe I’m just playing devil’s advocate here, but I wonder if people (& by people I mean women & specifically moms that this website is aimed at) would have the same attitudes toward Amy, if she were in fact a man talking about his infidelity?
YES!!!!!!!!
Jill, my comments are not meant to be hateful. I have no hatred whatsoever toward ‘Amy’. I do however STRONGLY feel that her actions are selfish, naive and misguided. I also feel as though every and any marriage has the potential to fall apart given the right circumstances. I fiercely protect my relationship with my spouse because I know, if I let that guard down…I could be unfaithful. That said, I have seen over and over what those actions do to relationships and you would be very very off base if you thought unfaithfulness doesn’t absolutely annihilate relationships. If Amy truly cared for her husband and kids she would see this. If she doesn’t now… She will later.
Oh please Jill. What a dismissive statement to the experiences and opinions in the of the commenters. It’s psychobabble and has no place in a conversation in which you also quote a post about honest disagreement being a sign of progress, and suggest that should be our guide.
Those of us who have issues with a website community dedicated to mothering promoting infidelity under the guise of education are smarter than that. We’ve worked through our values and have enough life experience to know that very little in a family relationship is irrelevant to the children in that family. We’re disagreeing with the nonsense that this “authentic” voice who hides behind pseudonyms, deception or half truths with those she claims to hold dearest, can teach about living authentically, or about recognizing the true gifts in our lives.
I don’t really care what lyla/amy/the-next-harlequin-author does with their own lives. I do object to a website which says it is dedicated to smart mothering holding out this sort of ridiculous drivel as a way that we can all “educated” our selves and so I’m speaking out against it.
You don’t have to “get it”. It is not about you. It is Amy’s story.
I encourage you all to read this UrbanMoms post about tolerance: http://www.urbanmoms.ca/moms_the_word/2012/04/tolerance-and-free-speech.html
As I said in my comment on the last post, those who are so angry and hateful, it is misdirected. It is not about Amy at all. What you are feeling is personal to you. You are simply using Amy to avoid responsibility for your feelings.
Authentic? Seriously? Is having multiple affairs considered authentic?
au·then·tic [aw-then-tik] Show IPA
adjective
1.
not false or copied; genuine; real: an authentic antique.
2.
entitled to acceptance or belief because of agreement with known facts or experience; reliable; trustworthy: an authentic report on poverty in Africa.
Maybe you should be a little more authentic (reliable; trustworthy…) to the man you love? I. Do. not. get it.
I hope the arena stays open for you, lady. I look forward to reading more about how things work for you – that’s all this is: information. : )
😉
Changing the channel now…
Hmmmm, really? You were surprised? Why on earth would you be surprised? When exactly would you have expected the mud slinging to begin? Next Tuesday? LOL. I was hoping you had a thick skin. Perhaps you are not as prepared as you think for what you are about to embark on.
As for the assumptions?? Well, I’m sorry my darling but YOU led us down the garden path. You left out a tidy little piece of info didn’t you?
“he is aware that I have had and may again have (or not) relationships with other men. And I am aware that he may choose to do the same with other women.”
Well, gee that changes things don’t cha think? Just look at the comments already. A little more positive. This IS the blog I was hoping for. Your lifestyle choice may be a work in progress but at least it’s not quite as one-sided as you presented in your introduction, whether or not that was your intention…that’s how it came across.
I feel I should restat my opinion about your perceived idea that your choices are irrelevant to your children. ie. Just because things happen day-to-day at your work, for example, that your children are unaware of, doesn’t make your work life irrelevant to them. Your life and all that it entails; good, bad or indifferent is NEVER irrelevant to your children to think so is irresponsible. I think in this case, perhaps “irrelevant” may have been a poor word choice for you to get across your idea that we the readers need not be concerned about your children because they are not involved, harmed or affected by your arrangements.
I think as you wage through this murky, mucky, unconventional story I can see words changing from coward to brave. But I respectably submit the right to judge. My opinion based on the facts as presented. What? I’m supposed to wait until the whole blog is completed before I say something? No way … I’ve got too much to say…..on everything! 😉
I think everyone has to find the relationship mechanics that works for them. Open marriage, multiple marriage, arranged marriage….it has to be a personal choice. I myself cannot go along the route you have with your marriage only because it isn’t for me. If this system works for you and your husband all the power to you. If you love each other and want to be life-partners but have the occasional “fling” that is your perigative. If your happy, your happy!
Interesting. I think traditional marriage is an almost possible model. The expectations on the roles you should be forever are nuts- co-parents, roommates, financial partners, lovers, friends, travel companions etc. What other relationship could possibly survive under the strains of all that? And then if the marriage is to end, people get all like, “Oh my God, their marriage FAILED.” So, whatever works for each couple is what I say. Why on earth do people get all wrapped up in everyone else’s business? Who cares what other people are doing about their marriage? We should each focus on our own. And if someone reads this type of alternative view and maybe realizes that “cheating” isn’t necessarily the crisis it’s usually made out to be, might that not be a view that could keep a lot more marriages together?
I know you don’t need validation from me (or anyone) but it does help to know that your husband is aware of your other relationships. From my perspective, the betrayal isn’t in the sex, it’s in the dishonesty. I’m careful not to judge, but the fact that you’re honest with each other makes that much easier 🙂