I knew I would feel this way. I was prepared. I chose this. But, somehow actually feeling it is way worse. I hate myself but at the same time I am renewed and happy. Who does what I have done? Who makes a conscious decision to destroy their family? Who ever really chooses themselves?
I feel little toward Joel. I just don’t have the emotional space. In fact, I am so overcome with fear and guilt about my children that he rarely enters my thoughts except as a facilitator of guilt and fear.
I think about what I have done and what I am doing and I feel both bliss and torment. I think about losing Jackson and I can’t stand the thought. It is impossible, really. But the thought of hurting, or worse, losing my kids is unfathomable. How did I get here?
But looking back I know how it happened. It all seems crystal clear in retrospect. I was miserable. I was so unhappy in my life playing the part of the good wife and mother. I was bored and lonely and worthless. I had nothing of my own. Even mothering was taken away from me by the nannies and Joel’s philosophy on parenting and education. I was a people mover, a chauffeur at the best of times taking our kids from pre-school tutoring to tennis lessons to French class. Any time I tried to be the mother I longed to be and make decisions on my own I was shut down. I was either judged harshly by the unwritten rules of our upper-middle class community or Joel would gently correct my approach reminding me that what I did wasn’t “on track” with how we wanted to parent.
I don’t blame anyone for this. I was weak and easily influenced. I didn’t believe in myself enough to stand up and question these things. I didn’t feel I had the right. But slowly it started to seep into my consciousness and, although I didn’t recognize it specifically, I knew I longed for something more. What I didn’t know was how deep that longing was and how much of myself I kept hidden.
So, I understand what has happened, I have found myself. I have emerged from my cocoon and am for the first time being true to myself and my feelings. I am figuring out who I am and what I care about. And I am finally surrounded by people who see me as I am and love me for it. It is so liberating. I know I can never go back.
However, I also know I have to take the time to figure out the logistics of this revelation before I can do anything. I have to tread very lightly and get some perspective before I make a move of any kind. There is simply too much at stake.
But for reasons I can’t explain, none of this matters today. I spend the morning in bed with Jackson relishing every moment.
Then I check out of the hotel and make my way back to my life, back to my big house, my wealthy husband, our private clubs, big cars and fine wines. But, more importantly, back to my kids. Before I move forward I have to go back.
Woah! I’m really digging the template/theme of this blog. It’s simple, yet effective. A lot of times it’s difficult to get that “perfect balance” between superb usability and visual appeal. I must say you’ve done a very good job with this. Also, the blog loads extremely quick for me on Safari. Superb Blog!
Thank you for sharing your story. That’s all we can ask anyone to do.
Okay Jen :), and thanks for posting here too.
Hi guys,
Thank you all for your comments on this. I think both of you have every right to have your opinion. This is the great thing about this community is everyone is welcome. It is hard not to judge Lyla for her choices but what I love about this is that you are all concerned about Lyla and her family. This is so great.
Just to be clear, Lyla wants to share her story. Lyla knows what she is doing and, hopefully, she has considered all of the things you bring up. I think for those of us reading her journey it brings all sorts of reality to the forefront. Lyla knew when she started this that she might be harshly judged but telling her story was important to her.
I encourage you to keep reading and commenting.
Jen
Anyway, I bow out on making further comments on this blogged affair. I didn’t navigate to Urban Moms to get into a flame war over this confessional affair on its website.
🙂
Thx
Sheesh MD, I get your point. I won’t post any further urging from myself for Lyla to stop blogging about her affair.
Anyway I haven’t read Lyla’s whole blog about her affair because I don’t want to encourage the reception by adding myself to the readership.
Also, the fact about the Internet is that I was redirected from Modern Mama to here (Urban Mom), and it’s here at Urban Mom that this blogged affair had caught my attention. I was redirected from Modern Mama to some info on this Urban Mom site, I browsed and then came across this blogged story about Lyla’s affair.
Modern Mama is somewhat related in content, but other websites can also have referral links to Urban Mom. If I can randomly be directed to this blogged affair, then really the Internet is not so anonymous. Defend Lyla, be her non-judging reader and tell me in detail that her identity is protected and she has a right to blog about her affair, and her story is an inspiration etc. etc. BUT web publishing under an alias is really not that private, and a published affair only adds more shock/plus disgust to the news that the betrayed spouse had finally got simply because the affair was also published like a confessional book of the month from Oprah’s Book Club. If the blog about the affair was pure fiction, then no real people get hurt …and not even the author gets hurt. But the betrayed husband is a real guy and try to relate to him when he discovers Lyla’s blog about her affair and her passion in it.
BUT I get your point, and don’t reply to this. I won’t post any further urging to Lyla for her to stop blogging about her affair. Thx
I’m sorry but just because you have these thoughts and views does not mean everyone else does. Just because you see no reason for her telling her story does not mean it’s true. No one has asked you to read her blog, to live her life or her consequences.
Lyla is a big girl and can live her life how she chooses because it’s her life and she is dealing with those consequences. I in no way agree with her choices, I really feel things could have been done differently in a way that certainly took her children into consideration more. But what is done is done. You are judging her and don’t even know the whole story yet. If you don’t like her blogging about it then stop reading. Others clearly like reading this for what ever reason they have, you can’t know their reasons but they are there and who are you to say that we shouldn’t be able to read this?
You don’t need to encourage her, no one asked you to. She’s simply sharing her story, it’s HER STORY she has every right to share it. I truly hope she continues to share her story with us.
He could find her blog.. but it’s unlikely. For all we know she and Joel could be separated or living in different houses. The most likely way of him finding her blog is to be on her computer and finding some history of it. The likely hood of him just stumbling across a random blog under an alias on a site for moms is pretty far fetched.
No one is making you read this.
Really our following of your story, Lyla, is only meaningful in that it gets us the readers thinking and asking moral/philsophical questions about affairs and cheating. But there is no meaning aside from this, aside from being a book of the month for the readership. Blogging like this is no accomplishment for you, because (just simply because) you can’t assume your husband is blind or stupid.
You write by an alias, but the man can do deductive reasoning. Many betrayed spouses have found blogged stories and have very much read into the pen name and realized it was their partner. The worst you’re doing is blogging for your self-discovery and for your epiphany AND also assuming Joel is an idiot or won’t find and read your blog and pen name and then deduct that it’s you. Please know that Joel will be more insulted by your blog about him and your affair than the affair itself simply BECAUSE you published about Joel and you cheating on him.
Put yourself in Joel’s position: Wouldn’t you, Lyla, be insulted that Joel, your cheating husband had blogged on the Internet to an audience of guys who were congratulating him on his courage, his creativity, and on him being an inspiration on blogging his story about cheating on you??? Yup you would be insulted and then focus on the web publishing rather than the decision of the affair first.
Lyla you can think whatever about your blogging, but I wouldn’t be helpful to you if I encouraged you. I would just be an enabler and a reader who is avidly following your story because your story is of no risk, of no consequence to my life, and I get to imagine and be thrilled by your risks by your choice to have an affair.
Your story is entertainment, like other books about affairs or like movies such as Unfaithful with Diane Lane as the cheating wife. Your story inspires my imagination, but I’m not going to live your consequences, and affairs always mean consequences.
So please know that your story is good consumption and thriller suspense for us readers but we don’t live your life and we won’t live your consequences. So stop blogging for us and stop rationalizing that your blog is just for yourself and for your self-revelation. A blog is very public, and you’ve put your respect by Joel at more risk than your affair BECAUSE blogging about the affair totally exposes Joel to some far flung stranger like myself and he’s not going to like that.
Although I get what the ladies are referring to about sharing this story I think it’s a little irrelevant. Lyla has stated that this is written under an alias, none of the names mentioned are real and honestly what are the odds he is going to find out? Unless she tells him?
Although I don’t agree with having an affair I respect that she is sharing her story. Where you think it is insult to the wound I disagree. I highly doubt Lyla will be throwing out her blog link to her hubby to make him feel even worse.
As wrong as affairs are the truth is they happen, to both men and women. Many people are having them, have had them or may be thinking about having them. Maybe, just maybe someone will find this and find help in her words. Maybe they will feel the guilt in Lyla’s words and realize that there is a different path they can take.
And in reality who’s to say that this affair is happening RIGHT NOW? We could be playing catch up here and be months behind the story. She may already have told Joel and be in the midst of trying to fix her marriage, or get a divorce or who knows. We just don’t know and I look forward to finding out. I applaud her courage for sharing her story you never know who this may help.
I went back and read the first post and then re-read my comment…
Like I said, I do not know you or your husband, or Jackson for that matter; and I have no right to judge your choices. I think I am concerned about what might (will) happen if Joel finds out. Will he be mad? Will he be enraged and lash out? Will he threaten to take your kids from you? Will he make sure you don’t see a red cent if you leave? I clearly watch far too many TV dramas, I guess.
I’m just concerned that posting this may cause you more harm, that’s all. Sorry if I sounded condescending.
I agree with LA. I don’t believe this is the right platform for airing your affair at this time. I don’t know your or your husband, but if or when you decide to leave him it could get nasty. The end of a relationship is usually never cut and dry. Embarrassing him by posting about this affair for anyone – including him – to find is a little reckless, in my humble opinion, and could cause further headache and trouble should you seek to terminate your marriage.
I wish you happiness and love, I really do; and aside from the affair, I think you need to reconsider the road you are travelling down with publicly airing your affair on the internet.
Yes you feel little toward Joel and have reasons for having no emotional space to empathsize with him and right now you won’t see yourself as him. But he is you, a fellow person. You must see the hard truth that if you were cheated on by him you will feel betrayed, and feel your companionship had been lost sight of to the point that Joel had invited another woman to make him feel passion for his life again.
An affair is a selfish decision, for either gender. This has always been a hard truth. A personal identity crisis and loss of passion for your life can be sympathsized with. But an affair as remedy can’t be rationalized. Men that cheat write too and they rationalize every reason, but their affair will always be a self-focused choice that destroys the other person’s trust, self-confidence and trust in the committment of relationships.
You’re rationalizing to put up a wall to not feel for Joel right now. But you’re going to have to feel compassion for him because he is you, a fellow person who doesn’t want to be cheated on and blogged about how his partner that he married currently feels little for him and doesn’t have emotional space for him.
So go to a therapist/counsellor and get guidance on your issues and perspective on the consequences to Joel, yourself, and the kids, that your decision to betray your relationship with Joel will be.
Lyla I empathesize, but blogging about your affair will only add insult to the injury that you are afflicting on Joel. Yes, I sympathsize, please know that. But you’ve lost sight to this: You’re blogging to everyone, but not telling Joel. This fact means that Joel will feel the injury of being the last to know, and dumb, hurt, shocked that people on the Internet read your blog but he didn’t get approached and was the very last to get the story.
If the affair or pain was flipped around, and Joel was the one blogging on the Web about his feelings about having an affair, the injury on your dignity, pride, skills of perspection, intelligence, self-esteem would be afflicted on you. Joel would be feeling the guilt but you would be feeling the betrayal of your marriage AND also your dignity, self-esteem, personal privacy because you and your family were blogged about in an Oprah-like televised confession to strangers.
What’s really bad for Joel here is that your exploration (which is your therapy) is made public, and is like being televised on the Oprah show for viewers’ entertainment. Yes you don’t mean to cause hurt. But you should stop blogging your story here about your affair on the Web and for everyone to know but Joel, and see an actual psychologist/counsellor for your self-discovery and for guidance on the consequences of your affair to Joel, to your kids, to your family as it was, and on what to do next.
Please know that I empathesize, but you should end your blog here for respect to Joel as a person who will be feeling pretty dumb by the news that you had an affair AND also had published it, and made him the last to know. And being the last to know is always like your girlfriend telling all her friends about her problem with you, but NEVER talking with you about it. Girlfriends or wives talking to everyone but the guy always means the most harm to him because he was the last, after usernames on the Internet, the very last to be approached and told.
“So, I understand what has happened, I have found myself. I have emerged from my cocoon and am for the first time being true to myself and my feelings.”
Lyla, I (and so many other women) know EXACTLY how that feels. I didn’t have an affair, but I have recently ended my marriage. Yesterday we told our kids, and for the first time in years, I woke this morning with a light heart and a sense of a good and worthwhile future for myself.
It won’t be easy, but it will be worthwhile for you to rediscover yourself. Remember to find out who Lyla really is on her own, too, though.