You may hate me. I am surprised but I really don’t care if you do. I used to. A lot. Which is part of the reason my life was hell. I was trying so hard to get everyone’s approval. But I’m not anymore and it is so damn liberating.
I have done a ton of therapy and continue to reveal and examine parts of myself I never knew were there. Like the part of me that is brave and started this whole snowball in the first place. The part of me that crossed that line with Jackson. The part of me that knew it was more than sex, more than an affair, but an awakening that simply started that way.
I feel your judgment as I write those lines but what I know is that I was a prisoner. Yes, I put myself there in the first place but I was no less trapped. And, for reasons that still allude me, Jackson held the key to my escape. I saw myself through his eyes and, for the first time in my life, I let myself just be.
For now Joel and I co-exist. We maintain a facade for convenience, I guess. And out of laziness and a fear of the unknown we bury the rest. We both know it can’t last but until we figure out how to move forward separately we do this. Mostly I don’t think about it at all. It just is. We are civil, we share pleasantries about the kids and our day but the underlying truth is always the elephant in the room.
For now I am discovering myself. For the first time ever I know I am on the right track. I have fumbled and I have fallen but I have gotten back up. And now I continue to move forward toward a life I can only imagine. A life based on contentment and living and love without conditions. I am making my way slowly toward a life without fear where I am strong and stable on my own two feet for the first time.