I went to church on Sunday. It had been a long time since I had last gone. I felt like I did not even have time to go but I went because I felt like I was losing my faith in myself. I went for selfish reasons – I wanted to feel inspired and I wanted to find my faith again.
When you start a new business every day is a struggle to believe in yourself. As you have read from my previous posts I am not the most naturally confident person. I would imagine that anyone who starts their own business venture feels insecure no matter how naturally confident they are. There is a lot of friggin’ pressure to succeed and no one wants to be a failure.
I am also not a natural risk taker. When I was 30 years old I went on a somewhat extreme and out of character trip to Mexico near the border of Belize. The location was very remote. So remote that there were no phones just CB radios. While we were on this trip my friends and I took a two hour boat ride to go snorkeling. The waves on the boat made everyone sea sick. I thought the horizon was disappearing because the waves were so big.
When we arrived to snorkel I almost wore a life jacket because the water was really rough, yet, I knew how to swim. Needless to say I was scared, so I hopped back in the boat and demanded a life jacket. Once back in I realized that the life jacket did not allow me to see under the water properly so after a few minutes I decided to take the life jacket off. My friends laughed at my timid ways as I carefully peeled off the life jacket and jumped back in. I had never snorkeled in the middle of the ocean before and it was a crazy, exciting experience. I will never forget how accomplished I felt and how natural the snorkeling felt after such a short period of time.
When I was 21 I went rock climbing with my outdoor recreation class. I thought I would never get to the top of the climb. I was embarrassed because I was slow. I was impatient with myself and scared. The climb back down was equally scary but it went faster and it was sort of thrilling.
I feel impatient and scared today like I did when I was 21 and 30. I wonder do I have the right to be doing this? Is it the reasonable thing to do? Is it the right thing to do – taking such a “big“ risk when I have such a secure job to go back to? ( Currently I work for the government and I am on a leave of absence). Do I really think I will be happier? Do I feel the thrills will be bigger? Yes, I kind of think I do.
I remember that I am also the girl who dreamed about having her own business all throughout her adult life. This is not a whim. I have thought about this for years. I finally made the jump into unknown waters this year and I have a choice. I can wear a life jacket and do the easy thing. Or I can swim without the life jacket with determination and confidence while navigating the rough water and experience the thrills of new beauty. Can I find my faith to believe that I won`t drown?
It is natural for me to feel scared. With every exciting thrill in life comes the scary feeling you have in the pit of your stomach. It is like that feeling you get when you know you are about to go down the hill on a roller coaster. Fear is natural, fear is normal. However, fear should not rule your life. It should not stop you from trying. When I look back on my life I realize that I have never taken the easy path, I have always pushed myself past my fears. I am proud of this.
I do believe that risks should be calculated and I still wonder if mine is calculated enough. My husband thinks it is. I just need to find it within myself to feel the confidence he has in me.
I feel impatient that I can’t move faster in what I want to do with my business plans. I have to remind myself that pursuing this new venture is not only for myself but also for my children. They have to come first in these plans. This is stressful and tiring.
When I say this I don’t mean that I am doing things for their sake only. That is not a good idea because everyone knows that if you live your life for someone else it is a mistake. Even if it is for your children. I need to do what is best for me too. That is why I realize I need some daycare even if I am at home most of the time. I need it for my sanity and I need it to work productively.
The future of my life feels like a huge mystery novel to me. I don’t know if I will be killed off. I don’t know if I will succeed. I can only pray for my faith to guide me as I jump in without my life jacket.