I have always preferred being a man over the idea of being a woman. Menses, make-up and shaving are just some of the reasons I am happy to have been blessed with the hot dog and not the bun.
By extension, I also think being the Dad is the stuff that dreams are made of…
Blasphemy, you say? Hogwash, you cry? Fine, here’s the proof:
10) In the Beginning
Becoming a Dad is the direct result of having an orgasm. Can Moms say the same?
9) Braggadocio
A Mom who brags is, well, a Mom. A Dad who brags is a loving, caring, involved parent and people say “Gee, Shawn, it’s great that you care so much.” As if there was any other way for me to behave.
8) Nipple Tear
As I learned from one of the other UrbanMoms, there are some kids who suck so hard when breast-feeding that the Mom’s nipple becomes partially detached from the breast, requiring surgical and potentially cosmetic repair.
Now, unless I am attacked by a rabid bear who is intent on eating me chest first but who gives up after the first bite, the likelihood of me suffering from a “nipple tear” is relatively minor.
7) Wheel’s Appeal
Moms – have you ever had a potential suitor drop their phone number in your pocket while you’re out for a walk with your kid in the stroller? Well, me neither. But it’s bound to happen sooner or later, because there’s nothing hotter than a grown man pushing a stroller. It’s true. I googled it.
6) Upward Mobility
I suspect the fact that I am a Dad has and will benefit my career mobility. Being seen as a family man isn’t a bad thing, now is it?
Moms on the other hand face an uphill battle from the minute they declare their egg is being occupied by sperm. Moms are saddled with the unfair burden of parenthood, whether real, perceived or self-imposed, and I know far too many Moms who have felt the pressure to set their careers aside for the sake of having a family. Or, even worse, that they have had to choose between one or the other.
While I don’t think this is fair in any way, shape or form, it is nevertheless an advantage to being a Dad.
5) Phonics Don’t Lie
When a kid says “Daddy!” it is SO MUCH CUTER than when a kid says “Mommy!” It’s a scientific fact. (I have no facts to back this up.)
4) He’s Got the Look
I get to be the proud owner and displayer of “The Dad Look”… you know the look… the one that halts kids in their tracks and generates instant cessation of any ill-advised behaviour. My own Dad Look is still in development. I expect it to be complete in 6-8 months and it will be glorious! I am, after all, working with my own father to refine it to perfection.
3) The Air Up There
Piggy backs and horsey rides are 100X better when they are administered by the taller of the two parents. Generally speaking, this is the Dad (an actual scientific fact).
2) The Back of the Bus
It’s always better sitting at the back of the bus, a.k.a. Dad’s don’t have to give birth. Need I say more?
1) Wee Advantage
A Dad will never have to pee on a stick whilst groggy from sleep and feeling nauseous for reasons that can’t quite be explained… for 10 minutes, anyway.
Ok, before you start your revolution, remember this: my job here at UrbanMoms is to enlighten you to the Dad’s side of the fence. I’m sure you all have reasons as to why it is better to be the Mom… so let’s hear them! I can definitely be convinced to carry our second child.*
*Medical breakthroughs permitting.
You never get to say “I carried you for nine months!!!”
This is priceless…I laughed out loud. I have been both for the last 18 years (you do get the best of both worlds). The mommy look and tone works like a charm…even thou mine are older now (2 on their own and 1 left at home) they know when they hear the tone and see the look they are heading over the boundary line and don’t cross it. I also like the eye in the back of the head comment. My kids will swear to this day that in the car I did have eyes in the back of my head.
totally hilarious…..here’s my rebuttal….be BOTH like me and you get the best of both worlds….well no one orgasm’ed when I got pregnant….but I didn’t even have to get naked…. oh and my niece got her nipple bit off by a horse….so there’s still a chance dude…just wear a shirt if you’re filming an Old Spice commercial..
Tracey, laughing and crying are great, but I won’t rest until we have a slight bit of urine discharge! What? Too much? Oh, c’mon…
Bring it!
Pliant – interesting, in theory, but since ectopic pregnancies are extremely dangerous I will take a pass… as I think most doctors would advise for women in the same situation.
Haha I’m not even a parent and I love your article Shawn!
#2 – Abdominal ectopic pregnancies which can occur naturally in females have, on occasion, lead to the delivery of a healthy baby via Cesarean section. In vitro fertilization (IVF) techniques can be used on a male to induce an ectopic pregnancy by implanting an embryo and placenta into the abdominal cavity, just under the peritoneum (the surrounding lining).
See: http://www.malepregnancy.com
(This particular case is a hoax but some scientists have argued that a male pregnancy is theoretically possible using the technique described.)
No arguments here, except my “Mommy” look stops nearly everyone in their tracks… Even the dog. Even other people’s dogs.
You’re completely right – being the dad is often full of win. Being the mum? Sometimes sucks on levels that can’t even be described.
And this made me laugh my ass off. (And then I think I cried a little bit. Whoa.)
My mom look is so good it works on other people’s children.
But yeah, back of the bus looks pretty darn cushy to me, too. I had a deal that if medicine was up to it by the time we got to kids, I could get out of that part of the job, but that sadly was not the case. *sigh*
I couldn’t agree more with what you wrote. I thank someone everyday for having the Y chromosome in the grand scheme of things. It’s so much easier.
Just remember, and this really happened to me once, when someone sees you pushing the stroller solo and says “Oh look Dad’s babysitting today.” You respond with “No, Dad’s parenting today.” It will stop them dead in their tracks.
Yeah, but you don’t get to feel the alien baby rolling around inside of you.
Unless you’re brewing a big doodie, and then if you’re like my husband, you’ll announce it and invite me to feel it “kicking.”
THIS? “Menses, make-up and shaving are just some of the reasons I am happy to have been blessed with the hot dog and not the bun.”
By far the funniest thing I have read in a long long time. I am also very sad to find that I can’t really argue most of your points. Although my “mom” look will always always always beat my husbands “dad” look. I’m learning mine from my mom, a former PE teacher/coach. Her nickname, even by kids from other schools, is The General. I will win this battle easily.
haha. I was hoping there’d be a Nancy rebuttal!
Brilliant and wonderfully written, although I am still happy to be the Mom, I do envy a few of those reasons and would like to be front and center for the first male delivery of a baby…that would be HILARIOUS!!
Excellent post ! I feel a rebuttal coming on
My mum always said she saw everything because she had eyes in the back of her head.
All mums do. It’s a sixth sense thing when it comes to stuff like it being just a little bit too quiet.
Dad’s just haven’t seemed to master this skill.
Once again – you made me laugh out loud!
As for your #2 – all I can say is I am glad that I had the privilege of carrying and birthing 3 children. It was an extraordinary experience.
And I believe that cracked nipples are MUCH more common than the torn nipple – still…yay for you!
Oh and I have a killer “Mom Look” that works wonders on 2 out of my 3 kids. The third could care less. The Dad Look doesn’t even work on him.
“hot dog and not the bun”… Classy. I laughed out loud.
Sadly, much of this is true, except for #5.
I would have liked to be at the back of the bus too.
I bet that medical breakthrough isn’t too far off.