*Warning – I use swears in this post
I have often wondered if I sugar coat a lot of what we deal with on a regular basis. I try to post more of the positive aspects of autism and what it brings to our family, but I kind of feel like I’m hiding a dirty little secret. And I’m ready to be honest.
Sometimes – IT SUCKS.
I mean REALLY sucks.
The “hell” part of Holland.
Take yesterday for example…
By 10am I wasn’t sure how I would make it through until Sean got home.
Cuyler was just incessant with his tantrums. And if he wasn’t pissed off about something, another thing set him off. It was one of those days where I felt like I’ve had a 2 year old for five and a half years.
He wanted everything, and he wanted nothing. I could not reason with him. Anytime I went to try and calm him – it agitated him more.
I tried to separate myself from the situation by cleaning the kitchen from breakfast. As I did that he unmade all the beds I had made. As I made the beds again, he threw all of Eva’s little figures all over the family room that I had tidied earlier. As he wreaked havoc on the house – he cried the whole time.
That was only about 20 minutes of my day from hell. Just a snapshot.
About an hour into it, I start to get annoyed with Cam who was annoying Cuyler. He wasn’t trying to – but anything and everything was setting him off. So naturally I blame Cam just because he’s nearby…
And Eva is not listening and giving me three year old girl attitude and I’m getting short with her.
I start to feel angry in the pit of my stomach and think at that moment how much I hate my life.
I suck as a mom because I do not know what to do with Cuyler.
I suck as a mom because Cam gets shit on way more than he should.
I suck as a mom because I shouldn’t have shouted at Eva after she asked me for a popsicle for the 67th time in 10 minutes.
I suck as a mom because I do not know what to do with Cuyler.
I suck as a mom because Cam gets shit on way more than he should.
I suck as a mom because I shouldn’t have shouted at Eva after she asked me for a popsicle for the 67th time in 10 minutes.
But my guilt did nothing to quell my anger.
All I could think was “Get the fuck away from me. All of you.”
Which made me madder because there was nowhere for them to go. And nowhere I could go – without taking them with me.
I went into the backyard to put myself on a timeout. And Cuyler followed me screaming “Where are you going mom!!”
I felt trapped. With them. At that moment I hated being their mother.
I had to get out. I took them to my friends new gym and Cuyler bounced on the big trampoline. And bounced and bounced. Ahhh…finally. He was calm. I knew the bouncing would help.
As soon as we got home – he was at it again. Screaming.
Agitated. Annoyed. Which made me agitated and annoyed. I was shouting at the kids and knew I needed to do something to change the direction of everybody’s mood – especially my own. But I had no idea what to do and I felt completely out of control..
I knew there was no way I could stay home. So I called good friends of ours and asked if I could come by. They have a pool and I knew Cuyler would calm down in the water.
And he did. He spent 2 straight hours in the water.
Jumping
Floating
Lounging
And hot tubbing with his buddies
It was the first time that the water has really calmed him. He is so new to the water so it was not an option before.
He was content and happy for the rest of the day. I had my boy back.
He was content and happy for the rest of the day. I had my boy back.
And I got to spend the rest of the day feeling like crap for how terribly I handled the difficult part of my day.
So for the rest of the summer, while we are out of the school routine that he thrives on I may have to call on my friends and toss Cuyler into their pool anytime we have meltdowns like today. The effect on him was immediate and calmed his entire system.
I can only hope that when he does have another meltdown that it is sunny and 28 degrees out.
Not sure what I’ll do if it rains…yikes.
Not sure what I’ll do if it rains…yikes.
Thanks for sharing such valuable information. I’d also like to let everyone know that if you visit my blog you can receive a copy of the audio interview I did with Dr. Michael Goldberg, renown autism specialist. He has helped my son tremendously and I’d like to share his methods with as many people as possible. Thanks. ?Dorothea
You did everything a human being and a mom could be expected to do, and you did it just fine.
We have some issues here too. I find Saturday mornings can be tricky. Kids are tired, son is very prone to agitation etc. What works here is drawing.. hours of it sometimes, a day.. in 30min rounds I guess.. as much as he wants if we have nowhere else to go. Give it a try. Outdoor time also works.. throwing a basketball around, digging in the dirt for worms, playground time etc. Just someting to snap them out of the mental circuit they are stuck on. Redirect the energy/anxiety into physical output.. as you did… mini tramps in the house are often a good idea in these cases.. punching bag on a pole.. quiet time with Bach music or dancing in front of a mirror or patio door reflection…whatever it takes.. it’s all good!
Okay now you’ve made me feel better. You always seem to hold it together and I’m thinking ‘doesn’t she ever lose it like me and she deals with 80000 more things than me’. Dude – the thing that hit me the most in your post was ‘I knew the bouncing would calm him’ – ‘I knew the water would calm him’ – YOU know what calms him. YOU are an awesome mom and I remain, as always, in awe of you…
x
Stacey – we speak the same language – I understood all of what you wrote! lol!
good luck with the potty training – stay strong!
Oh my Gosh. I went back and re-read what I wrote and I couldn’t understand half of it! My brain was distracted by kids and lack of sleep. I hope you got the point though Christine LOL
Thanks for the comment/tip Jill!
The kids do not spend very much time in the hot tub at all actually. The boys go in it just long enough to make the pool water COLD once they jump back in.
I don’t let Eva in for more than a few minutes because I don’t want her hemangioma getting too hot.
And I find if I’m not honest in my blogging then it won’t be therapy that I need it to be 🙂
Christine,
I don’t have a child with a disability however, I do have a 3 year old girl with a major attitude and a 1 year old boy who has a major temper and can’t stand to be away for more than 3 seconds.
I have had days where I think “What the hell did I do? Why the hell did I have kids?! I miss the good old days when I was working, had the extra money and could go on vacation at least twice a year!” Somethings I have screamed at my husband that he’s ruined my life because I’m stuck at home with the kids, and yes, I have even thought “I hate being a mother.”
We all have bad days. We have all screamed at our kids. We are only human and can only take so much stress. No matter how much we get pissed off we still love our babies more than life itself.
I’m about to head into my own torture now… my daughter is being potty trained and just crapped in her pants. I’m about to leave my son to play while I deal with the mess… yup. Let the screaming start!
It sounds like you found a good solution to keep everybody happy. You didn’t mention how long the kids stayed in the hot tub but I thought I’d pass on a safety tip. My children are older now but when they were small our pediatrician advised us to limit time in the hot tub to no more than five minutes for kids under seven and 10 to 20 minutes for 7 to 12 year olds. The high temperature poses an increased risk of dehydration and overheating for young children.
I don’t think my kids enjoyed the hot tub all that much when they were younger; the pool has more room to splash around and play games but they wanted to copy what the adults were doing and hang out in the hot tub. Five minutes of that and they’d had enough.
Your post was very honest. My kids don’t have autism or any other kind of neurological/emotional/behavior problems but form what I hear raising a child with autism is very, very trying and the bloggers who give the impression that it’s no problem and they’re actually glad their child is autistic aren’t being very candid.
I totally understand. I feel the same way you did, very often nowadays because my kids are 3 under 4 yrs old. I am working on fixing my parenting attitude so the other two don’t suffer so much. What I reallly like is the idea of water. That calms my boy, Nikko, very much. I will remember to try this, and if we can’t get to a pool I will fill a basin of water and surround him with beach towels in the kitchen if I have to. 🙂
And Terry – you have NO IDEA how thrilled we are that you are starting to look at houses here!
Seriously – get here soon!
Thanks guys!
Those days are few and far between now. A wonderful sign that we are moving forward and progressing with him. That used to be my life on a daily basis.
LOVE the honesty Christine…
But listen. The reason you probably hear, “I don’t know how you do it!” or “I couldn’t do what you do!” so much – is because you have ONE child with Autism, ONE child with a “manny” (love that word), and ONE child dealing with all of that – and the attention it takes away from him. I think about all of that. I compare you to me. The difference is monumental.
River cries a ton. He needs to be held 80% of the time. We get no sleep. He’s got awful gas. Ryder’s dealt with a lot of heat lately – the attention thing has definitely impacted him. And in an instance of River’s ear piercing screams – I called him a “little shit” the other day. I’ve said even worse… OMG – how many times does the “I hate my life” comment get thrown around??? We all lose our cool. I do it often. I think it’s part of the process. But seriously Christine – I don’t think were even close to your level. I don’t say that to make you feel better, and I hope it doesn’t sound patronizing – I just say it, cause I think I understand. I say it because it’s true.
This parenting gig is tough. I say you’re MORE THAN ENTITLED to breakdown. Seems you’ve got great friends available at a moments notice to help you out when in need, which to me – is essential. Friends are a great coping mechanism (to comment on your previous posts). I only hope that one day I am physically closer to you guys so that I might offer you that same help (and vice-versa –> please!).
PS – the Ovol hasn’t really made a difference… I’m starting to think Maggie needs to think about going with some formula…
The best advice someone ever gave me when I was becoming a mom was “forgive yourself”. All of us have crappy days and all of us lash out but your children will not remember the few days you got angry they will remember how much you loved them and the amazing memories poolside. You’re awesome. Forgive yourself.
Christine, thank you for this fabulous, brutally honest post. My favourite line: “I felt trapped. With them. At that moment I hated being their mother.”
I feel that way sometimes, too, and I don’t have a kid with autism. We all feel that way. Talking/writing/sharing…that’s what helps relieve the pressure. Guilt doesn’t.
Plus: you don’t have anything to feel guilty about. You got it sorted out. Way to go.
Remember, you are an EXCELLENT mother!
Christine, I had a feeling after last night’s vent/truth/release at the meeting that you would write a blog….I’m so happy I was right 🙂 We all have been there, believe me we have. I have been having the same explosions of guilt/anger, etc etc with my boys as I try to open this new business. I had a fight with Tanner (Aspergers for those that don’t know) about how he was continuing to ask why we weren’t going to Wonderland on weekdays as he thought we did, not going enough on weekends & when we were going to actually do something…..I exploded…simple question from him got a massive rant from me about how my 12-18 hour days right now are to make their lives better. I later apologized but I’ve definitely been snapping more than usual at them. It’s bothering me too. I’m all hunky-dory to everyone popping in or calling about the gym (strangers & friends) but can’t answer a simple question from my boys without snapping most of the time.
I want this gym to be the best and doing that means a better stable life for my boys, right? Sure I’ll be working more (especially as we get rolling) but evidentually they will reap the benefits of Mom working for herself & earning enough money to take time off and spend quality family time together (first stop on my list is Disney, of course!).
Thank you for taking the time to all of this off your chest Christine. Come let Cuyler jump on the trampoline anytime 😉
I can so relate. I hate too a lot and it does suck… But, finding the umph to get up and try something different…and find that it works? Priceless. Good for you for staying cool and being real. ((hugs))
See, I read this very differently. I don’t see you sucking as a mom or the major parenting fail you described…you and your kids were having a rough day (we ALL have those) and you found solutions to cope (we DON’T all do that). Putting yourself in a timeout, getting out of the house…not as easy as screaming and stomping around, but so much healthier.
I appreciate your honesty though…living with autism in the family would really suck, and I love your blog for showing that, and the beauty of your family life. Keep up the good work, Christine!!