~Elbert Hubbard, The Note Book, 1927
Fiona does not like to be wrong. About anything. The smallest error will throw her off and send her into a mini meltdown. If she is wrong she starts yelling “I was only joking, or “I know that”.
I’ve been racking my brains for reasons why she is doing this. I’m very careful about what I say to her. The praise she gets is based on process. I never say or do anything that would make her think that mistakes are bad and that she is not good enough if she makes them (I don’t think I do anyway). Is it school?
Is she noticing that the SKs are ahead of her and is that bothering her? Is it because Sophie excels at some things Fiona doesn’t? The opposite is also true. Is this a normal part of development and this is a stage?
Whatever it is, it really bothers me. I’ve been reading a lot of child and human development books lately. Mindset by Catherine Dweck is particularly interesting to me as a parent, teacher and a learner. Dweck’s studies show (and the evidence is convincing) that people have fixed or growth mindsets. A person with a fixed mindset believes that qualities such as intellegence, personality and moral character are fixed, they don’t change. This creates an urgency to prove oneself over and over. In order to prove themselves repeatedly, people with fixed mindsets shy away from challenges because they believe that to be wrong or make mistakes means they are stupid.
“Is success about learning – or proving you’re smart?”
Dweck quotes sociologist Benjamin Barber “I don’t divide the world into the weak and the strong, or the successes and the failures…I divide the world into learners and non-learners.” She talks about how babies aren’t afraid to fail, if they fall when they are learning to walk, they get up and keep trying. So what changes? Somehow that baby develops a fixed mindset. I was shocked to read that Dweck sees pre-schoolers who have already developed a fixed mindset by the age of 4. Guess who is 4? I don’t want my daughter to have a fixed mindset!
People with growth mindsets see mistakes and failures as opportunities to learn and grow. They choose challenging tasks because they want to learn. Failure does hurt, but they don’t let it affect their faith in themselves, their intelligence, kindness, etc. I want my daughters to have growth mindsets.
Of course it’s not to black and white. People can have mixed mindsets and mindsets can be changed.
So, I’m asking you what do you think? Is this normal? Could it be developmental? Have any of you had a similar experience with a child? Please let me know, I need your help and reassurance.
Here is a photo for comic relief.
It seems this is not uncommon….don’t you wonder why? Obviously everyone wonders what one can do to help. As Jen says, maybe it is a long – learn this the hard way – lesson. Sigh. But I don’t want it to be. Must. Relinquish. Control. (kidding, I’m not really controlling, just try to be supportive and not make it worse).
My son is shy about making mistakes and hesitates in trying things he’s not sure he can succeed at… and I know he’s learned it from me, but I’m aware of trying to point out my mistakes too, to show him that it’s okay… the small one seems completely fine about everything she does. I’m less worried about her. Ack, it’s all so tricky… I hate thinking this pattern is “fixed” in him.
This is interesting to see in twins, I think… hmmmm.
My daughter – 6 years old in grade one – is very similar. While not lacking in confidence (a tad over-confident, maybe?), she HATES being wrong and, generally, does not take it well when corrected. We are working on this with her by emphasizing the very thing you mentioned above – that mistakes are part of learning and that if we never make mistakes, we have nothing to learn from. Things are improving!
On a side, possibly related, note, she also HATES surprises and tricks (April Fool’s Day was no walk in the park!!).
Type “A” all the way – perfectionism AND control issues!!
We’re having something of a problem with this, too – as Jen says, excuses, lies, the whole bag of tricks to prove herself right. it’s driving us nuts, because she doesn’t seem to be accepting our assurances that it’s okay to be wrong, and we make a point of using the word mistaken, but she prefers to stubbornly assert that we are both mistaken, instead. Gah! We have always been clear that her job is about learning and growing, and that no one expects her to know everything yet, and that smart people ask questions to learn new things, and so on, but still, though she is intellectually curious, she often has the need to be right.
Definitely. She just started putting up her hand in class! Is is 3/4 of the way through grad TWO!! She doesn’t want to risk it. I try and encourage her without putting pressure. I also try and point out my mistakes when they happen and show that I take them in stride. But I have a feeling this is going to be a long-learn-the-hard-way type lesson.
Jen, yes Sophie is more outgoing and Fiona was kinda born with a ‘tude if you know what I mean.
Do you find that your DD is afraid to take intellectual risks?
Ah, yes. VERY familiar. My daughter has, on occasion, resorted to back-pedaling, excuses, blaming, and even lies to show she is NOT wrong. She is constantly saying “I knew that already!” or “You don’t have to tell me!” I feel it is because she is always trying to keep up with her BIG brother. Is Fiona like that? Is Sophie the more outgoing, confident one? Amazing that it happens in twins too.