We spent this past weekend away at a hockey tournament at the gorgeous Nottawasaga Inn. There is a play structure just outside the arena that Cuyler and Eva spent some time at. I sat on the grass basking in the hot sun watching them play. A little girl approached Eva and asked what was on her neck. I didn’t hear Eva’s reply but she didn’t seem bothered.
Didn’t think much of it. We’re used to kids asking. We’ve always had a very open attitude about it. It’s just part of the curiosity surrounding it.
We got home on Sunday in time to head over for the last hour or so of our Fall Fair. It was just Eva, Cuyler and I having a nice time together…until they went on the little caterpillar roller coaster. Eva hopped into the car. The car behind her had 2 girls in it, maybe 8 or 9 years old. I saw the one girl looking curiously at Eva, leaned over and asked her friend “What’s on her neck?”. Her friend seemed uninterested, shrugged and said “I dunno” The curious girl then said “It’s disgusting” and she immediately started singing and dancing to the Justin Bieber song playing loudly through the park.
My stomach dropped and I wanted to shout over to her “Shut your yap-hole, you little twerp! She’s a hundred times prettier than you!!!”
My stomach dropped and I wanted to shout over to her “Shut your yap-hole, you little twerp! She’s a hundred times prettier than you!!!”
(she totally is)
I felt sick. I felt a little numb and nervous.
Kids have always been curious. They either ask what it is or what happened. Sometimes they look curious. Sometimes they look concerned. Sometimes I can tell by their facial expressions that they do not like how it looks.
Never have I ever heard anyone verbalize something so negative about it.
A million thoughts went through my head.
My heart broke thinking about potential run-ins like this in the future.
What should I do? Should I confront the girl when she gets off the ride and let her know what she said could be hurtful? What if she denies it?
Should I wait and find her parent and “tell on her”?
Do I do nothing?
How do I make this a teachable moment? How do I do it when I’m this fired up? How do I speak reasonably to her or her mother when I all want to do is either scream or cry?
What should I do? Should I confront the girl when she gets off the ride and let her know what she said could be hurtful? What if she denies it?
Should I wait and find her parent and “tell on her”?
Do I do nothing?
How do I make this a teachable moment? How do I do it when I’m this fired up? How do I speak reasonably to her or her mother when I all want to do is either scream or cry?
In the end I did nothing. And felt like shit for the rest of the afternoon. If you know me, you know I say it like I see it. I rarely bite my tongue. I guess I just didn’t want confrontation at the fair. It would have been a totally different story if Eva heard her or was aware of the girls reaction to her hemangioma, but she was oblivious. I didn’t want to draw any negative attention to her manny in front of her. Especially if the mom got defensive. I didn’t want a scene. Not in front of Eva. Not at the fair.
Still, my decision to say nothing didn’t sit well with me. It still doesn’t. I still don’t know how I should have reacted.
You know how you think of the *perfect* comeback after the person walks away? You have that conversation in your head about what you should have said?…I haven’t had that yet…
Eva and I snuggled in bed Sunday night. I asked her what she told the little girl at the park at the hockey arena. She said “I just told her it was a baby-rash“
I had never heard that response before. She said some big girls at a camp she was in called it a baby-rash and she liked it.
She asked if it would be gone when she was in high school. I told her it would be. She asked “What about the holes?”
I mistakenly told her that “the doctor will get rid of them”. I have always said that “the doctor will fix them”
I had never heard that response before. She said some big girls at a camp she was in called it a baby-rash and she liked it.
She asked if it would be gone when she was in high school. I told her it would be. She asked “What about the holes?”
I mistakenly told her that “the doctor will get rid of them”. I have always said that “the doctor will fix them”
Telling her the doctor would get rid of them scared her. She put her hands to her eyes, her lips stuck out and she tried not to cry.
My heart broke yet again. The manny doesn’t normally cause issue now that the medical complications are gone. But I can see the psycho-social issues creeping up…
She knows it’s there. People ask her.
And she knows she will need an operation to fix it. That scares her.
We decided as we cuddled in her bed that we would wait as long as she wanted before the doctor “fixed” the holes. She decided she wants to wait until she is 9 and was happy that she had some semblance of control.
Then I was thinking how many times has it happened that I just didn’t know about?
It’s certain to happen again.
I wondered how many times people have called it gross or disgusting and we didn’t hear.
I wondered if there will come a time when someone says it to her. Kids can be jerks.
We can’t and won’t always be there to defend her or stand up for her or educate others. We have to give her those skills. We have to give her the confidence to handle all of that. I don’t know how. I don’t know if I’m doing enough to prepare her for that part of life.
This part of parenting really sucks. It really, really sucks.
keeping silent was the best thing to do chris. YOU DID RIGHT!OUR little darling has many tough roads ahead. kids can be cruel with their honesty and some will be cruel because that is what they are.eva will be hurt sometimes and it seems she will be able to handle whatever comes along. what your doing is the right thing. keep doing the same things and eva will be stronger for it. at times you will be hurt also. just keep thinking of how lovely she is and how much we all love her and of the joy we all get from her being a part of our lives.
so far you have been a pillar of strength with all of your kids. dont you ever change from doing what your going…they need you…we all need you!!!
dad oxoxo
Okay I want to shake those kids…..BUT, I was thinking about it last night and I think all we can do is prepare our kids and teach them how to react. We can’t control how other’s kids will react but we can prepare our kids. Know what I mean. But I’d still want to throttle them for talking of the beautiful Eva…
Kids really can be jerks, sometimes. Some of them, a lot of the time.
The think is, they notice differences and they need to be discussed openly with them. It sounds like you do that when possible. So, you’re doing a great job! Eva is a wonderful girl, as Tracey says, she has the right stuff to deal. You will help her along with it.
As for what to do in that situation, you did the right thing. It wasn’t the time or place.
All we can do as parents is help our children learn to understand and accept difference without assigning value to external factors, like appearance.
Hugs.
Oh, Ack… I’m so sorry, lady. Kids really can be jerks sometimes. Though, I’d have to say that by the way you’ve described your lovely girl, in this post and in many of the others before, I think she’s really got the right stuff in her to deal… that thing about the “baby rash” seems brilliant. There’s bound to be a stumble in her confidence now and then, but I don’t think she’ll be paralysed by this in the long run. She’s got her excellent mama in her corner, and she’s looking at you for guidance… you can do it.
And yes, this job sucks on so many levels sometimes. I’m sending you strength, doll. And hugs. xox
Oh, honey. First of all – your daughter is GORGEOUS. And she seems so bright and so sweet from your posts. You’re so lucky to have each other!
And second of all – I totally get the how-can-you-SAY-THAT kind of rage. My daughter has Duane’s Syndrome, which means that she has limited movement in her left eye and it cannot be corrected. Kids have started to notice, and when they ask she tells them “It’s just the way I’m made. Like, the same reason you have those weird dots on your face. We can still play.” Sometimes that works, and sometimes they don’t want to play with her, and that hurts. And when it hurts her, I feel so angry and sad for my beautiful girl. Me intervening on her behalf on the playground isn’t going to make her any friends either, though, you know?
That’s so funny Amanada – Sean and I were joking about that the other day. We think she’s going to be taller than her brothers, so she’ll have height on her side too!!
Oh she is great. She is so freaking great Nancy!
I am blessed….honestly I am so enriched and blessed by my brood. They have taught me more than I could ever convey…
ahhh…the bare bottom spanking with a wooden spoon…those were the days!!
Oh, this is so hard to read. Look at her! She is SO freaking beautiful it makes my heart ache. You are such a great momma to her, giving her strength and a sense of control through it all. When Eva wins America’s Next Top Model (Cycle 25), she’ll show the world just how far she and her manny have come. 🙂
my eyes are stinging, Christine. This is hard and heartbreaking. Funny thing about kids is they always find something. Her ‘elevator line” (the thing you say quickly to people that mean little to you but ask the darndest questions) will help her. Focus on that and how great she is.
But don’t you just want to give them all a ‘bare bottom spanking with a wooden spoon’????(my mom’s fave threat)
Hey Julie – generally I do speak up when the question is asked, but the girls were too far away. Then the “disgusting” comment threw my level head into a tailspin.
And yes – that’s very true about other parents not knowing what to do. For us – PLEASE ASK! I would rather you ask and me (or her) tell you, rather than you stare and wonder. When we would go to the Early Years Centre when she was very small and the manny was very big I would talk very openly about it – how could I not – it was huge!! You couldn’t ignore it.
HOWEVER…I have met many parents who prefer to not talk about their childs issues (be it a physical or developmental issue). They prefer to keep it private or not want to talk about it in front of their child. Obviously, based on what I write on this blog – I am the opposite. I guess it’s tough being on the other side too. Not knowing what approach to take…
You’re right, she is quite lovely.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this right now – Hugs.
i can understand the “need to kill” complex in this situation! however, i would think that the parents of these kids may never have had to explain something that looks different as the opportunity has never come up. an adult should know better but an 8 year old wouldn’t know. doesn’t make it better or right. (i’m not defending their jerkiness though!)
i guess my “hindsight” answer would be when you hear “what’s on her neck” from anyone immediately pipe up, introduce yourself and lovely eva and explain to them what it is. that way there’s a girl with a name to talk to. too bad you have to be the educator in this situation with all that’s on your plate.
this is also a good posting because i imagine there are lots of moms here who don’t know what to say to their own kids. is it okay to ask about it? should i ask the mom? should i ask the child? hmmm…i dunno, best ignore it….(which is the wrong answer)