There are certain cliches of divorce from the 70’s that freak me out to the extent that they have caused mini obsessions with me.
There is the cliche of the divorced woman. Hot to trot. Desperate. Alcoholic.Unstable. Anyone growing up in the 70’s has this visual when they hear ‘divorcee’.
I work on the assumption that these no longer exist at least where I am concerned. We divorced come in so many shapes and sizes now.
The children of divorce also had stigma back then as there were so few of them. Maybe they didn’t get breakfast, do they brush their teeth? Do they run wild in the streets at night because there is only ever one set of eyes on them ? I remember a family who looked ok from the front but when they walked away the girl had her skirt tucked into her tights at the back, and the older sister looked like she never combed the back of her hair.
Consequently, I have certain real hang ups regarding my children that I might not have to the same extent if we were an intact two parent family.
they must pay back any money they borrowed asap I take that back, they must not borrow any money
It is really important for me to feel my children are on time, respectful and hard working. Maybe more so than you do. This is probably most parent’s goal but for me I am really hung up on –
they need to be tidy- it cannot look like we are falling apart
they need to handle life’s challenges well -incase there is any evidence we have more of them
they need to look nice and clean
we need to be super organized
they should have extra cash in their wallets- can’t have anyone feeling sorry for us
if they borrow something it must be returned immediately
we need to lend people what we have
they need to have really good manners
they must not wear anything too short
This came up recently because one of my kids had a well worn pair of boots that looked like they had been dragged behind a pick up truck on a country road- but mom I love them– I marched them to the garbage, saying ‘they look like the boots an orphan would wear or the child of a single mom’
But mom, I am the child of a single mom. (Devil)
Exactly my point.
I think you are confusing being a single parent, with not having as much time or money as you’d prefer to devote to your kids. My son has come home with a pair of boots donated to the school, because the week his broke I was even broker. Am I slightly embarrassed it had to happen, and do I worry some family who’s struggling more than us won’t get those boots because my kid had them? Yeah, but I don’t make myself nuts over it.
Because I am not a product of divorce, but death. My mother was a widow at 26, with two little girls and a pile of medical bills that ate most of the life insurance. Yes, there were times we were seen as the poor family to be shat upon by the upper-middle class kids – though financially we were really just lower middle class most of the time.
But I don’t equate our financial situation to my mother being some kind of sub-par single version of one. Yes, my father’s income was good and would’ve made our live’s easier. Yes, my mother had no significant secondary education because she had expected to be a housewife her whole life – those were the times she was raised in. But she was smart, and like my sister and I, knew how to do a job well. It didn’t take long for her to end up in a management position, even if it was with a company that didn’t treat her so well. And yeah, money was always a struggle, and she had to travel. My sister and I had to be responsible for doing things like making sure our hair was brushed – it certainly didn’t kill us.
But none of this was because my mother was a lazy ‘single’ mother. And growing up I had plenty of friends, who were just as clearly poor as we were, who were from two parent households. I had one friend in school, whose family ended up killing a kitten for all the trash in their house – they stepped on it. And as far as I know her parents are still married. The world is full of a lot of families, struggling to do simple things like buy their kids boots. And it’s full of too many parents who don’t give a crap about taking care of their homes or their children properly. Their marital status has nothing to do with that.
I get that you’re talking about introspection – and believe me I am my own worst critic too, when it comes to not exhibiting behavior that pisses me off in others. But it feels like you’re judging other single parents, based on a preconceived notion that your very existence disproves.
It really is a good one, no? Love it.
Chipped nailpolish. Yes, ohmygod…
Resplendence. What a beautiful word. Had to look it up. I knew it was special but did not know what it meant.
“Splendid”
“A state of splendor”
“dazzling”
“shining brightly”
“full of splendor”
I like it. And we are this all of us grumbler- you too.
xn
Have you read SH*t My Father Says ? It is not funny. I wanted to like it, bought it for someone and then returned it.
absolutely- chipped nail polish is a direct line to unwanted pregnancy and trailer parks.
CHIPPED NAIL POLISH!!! They must never walk around with chipped nail polish … or I tell them that it makes me look like a bad mother!! One day all of our kids will write a book called “Sh*t My Mother Says” … and become billionaires … so that they don’t have to say this stuff to their kids!! 😉
Oh, goo-goo-gachoo, Mrs. Robinson. I totally get your “divorcee” picture in my head. Works better when you whisper it, like it’s *whispers* “cancer.”
And um, that’s what it feels like raising black kids in a mostly white neighbourhood. There – I said it. Resplendence. I get it. Totally.
Good post, Village. You’re not failing at your efforts though… I hope you know that. 🙂
I get what you’re saying, too, Nancy. My mum is one of the toughest, most independent, most loving people I’ve ever known. Your post gave me a bit of insight into why, and I am grateful.
🙂
Ok just to clarify, I can be a bit of a yard sale, I am at times outrageous with my clothing choices – BUT I am confident with the other stuff I have going on and at this point fairly F U about what the world might think. HOWEVER- when it comes to my babies or my financial health or how little I want to LEAN on others for anything- I am obsessed/ territorial and fixated. But I do get what you are saying, desi.
I laughed out loud at this. I am the child of a single, divorced mom. I am obsessively clean and tidy, never borrow money, always lend or give whatever I can, am ridiculously organized, am careful with my clothing choices, and always show good manners. I could go on, but you get the idea. It’s funny because it’s true!
SO TRUE!!! You nailed it – I do all those things 🙂 Thanks for putting it out there.