Yesterday, I found serenity for 40 minutes. I was doing yoga and it was wonderful. I used to practice all the time but since the girls were born, I haven’t had much opportunity. Yesterday, they played together while I did yoga. The day before, they played together while I did a Jillian Michaels (more on her excellent program to come) workout. In fact, they usually play together all day. With very few fights. I’m very lucky.
Back to serenity. I’ve been wondering for a long time, if one becomes enlightened, would serenity be the permanent state of being? I would like to be there. Usually my mind is all over the place and I’m constantly fighting my insecurities. Except when I’m doing yoga, or engaged in an activity with my kids.
I went to a party on Saturday night. It was a great party, a 40th for a high school friend. There were lots of people there from high school, and lots of new people. Here’s the rub. I didn’t feel cool enough, funny enough, and especially, fun enough, just like I felt in high school (until I’d had a few too many drinks, and then I was really fun). This is in no way the fault of anyone else at the party. It’s all me.
So what is it? I think that it’s because I’m basically shy. It takes me a long time to warm up to people. I need to get to know them and that takes time. Also, I suck at small talk, so much so that I know some people think I’m snobby when they meet me. I’ve considered buying a book called “How to Talk to Anyone” One more thing, I’m afraid to sound stupid to I think too much about what I’m going say and then, the moment to say it has passed.
It’s not just this party either. I joined a book club about a year ago and it took me months to relax and enjoy myself and not worry about saying something dumb. The women in the group are great and I’m enjoying developing friendships with them. It has taken this long because I live so far away from everyone and therefore usually only see them at book club. Something I hope to change in the fall (hopefully by moving closer).
I’m 40 now, you would think that this “stage” would have passed like others have (for the most part). I don’t agonize about how I look anymore. I’m confident in my work, I think I’m pretty good at it. I think I’m a good mom, step-mom and wife. The worst part is I feel stupid for feeling insecure and uncool. I beat myself up for thinking that way and for not just relaxing.
To be fair to myself, on my drive to the party I was grappling with a very big problem I have in my life right now, a problem I can’t solve because it involves someone else who really needs to take action to save himself, someone whom I love and am very worried about. This issue has affected my ability to relax and live in the moment. And, I’ve had a low grade headache for days, which is very unusual as I generally don’t get headaches. And I’ve been awakened at 5 am on most days by my girls who are currently learning to sleep all night without mommy in the same bed.
I want to be clear that I really enjoyed catching up with people at the party, and I would love to do it again, on a smaller, more intimate scale (like a visit some of us had in February).