Thai people who interact with tourists use the expression “Same Same but Different” to describe many situations, including how an Australian and a Canadian compare (or any other Western people).
Lately I’ve been thinking about my girls twinness. We have spoken many times of nurturing their individuality but we aren’t really doing it in many ways. Sure I try to listen to them but they interrupt each other all the time. When one is telling me something important and has my full attention, the other one gets jealous and tries to butt in. Tears are often involved.
We haven’t had separate birthday parties and we haven’t done one on one time. We’ve been meaning to but…
John and I spoke briefly about it last night and I’m determined to start now. Even just a 20 minute walk with one while the other reads at home with Daddy. It doesn’t have to be something super exciting. I think it’s important for all children to get some one on one time with parents and it’s especially important for twins.
I know there is so much more I need to know about the emotional development of mono-zygotic twins. I have a book called Emotionally Healthy Twins, by Joan A. Friedman which I wish I had read when I was pregnant.
I regret not having read up on this and applied the information much yet. My girls are very, very shy and reserved in a new situation. I know this is likely largely temperament but I think there is an element of never having to approach a new situation alone. They stick together and don’t have to put themselves out there. I don’t want their relationship to be a barrier to their own self-discovery. I admit to bragging about how well they play together and leave me time to do other things (Ha) but I’m realizing that is not always a good thing. Friedman writes, “…a lack of psychological boundaries between twin children can lead to confused roles and inappropriate behaviour.”
Here are some ideas I’ve read in Friedman’s book:
- Separate dressers for clothing.
- Each twin should have her own belongings she don’t have to share.
- One on one time with Mom & Dad
- Separate play dates
- Separate birthday parties
- Separate Pre-school or Kindergarten classes if you think there is a problem (ie one twin is caretaker for the other)
- Different extra-curricular activities
Some of these will be hard for busy parents to manage, but I think it’s worth the effort to try some of it. I don’t want Same Same but Different for my girls.
Do you manage to spend one on one time with your twins? Even if you don’t have twins, do you spend one on one time with your children? How do you manage it?
Fiona
Sophie
Thanks Tracey – I think I’m a pretty good Mum, no one is perfect. I do want the alone time though – for me as well.
Sara – you might want to recommend the book Sheila mentions, it’s a good one and talks about different types of twins. Available from Multiple Births Canada – is your friend a member?
Sheila, thanks for the ideas. I dug out the book as soon as I got home, I had to go into the boxes in the basement that haven’t been unpacked yet (and maybe never will be). Luckily I found it in box 4! I certainly won’t try all of those at once. We’ll start with short periods of time on the weekends. The class issue will come up soon, in two or three weeks so I want to be prepared. This is the first time there is a possibility of separating them, they will be in grade 1. I asked them what they wanted and they said to stay together, after saying they didn’t want to go to grade 1.
Lovely pictures of your girls 🙂
Those are some interesting ideas from Friedman – all worth thinking about, but it’s not necessary to implement them all, certainly not all at once, or not all at this age! Don’t worry too much that you haven’t been doing everything on that list!
You might decide that some are short-term goals, like separate dressers and toy boxes for certain things, and some short opportunities for one on one time – even just one hour a week. It is really good to give one child some “air time” to talk without interruption from siblings, and the conversations as you run errands or grab lunch together can be great. Others could be long term goals that you might expect to naturally evolve by the time your kids are 10 or 12, not immediately this year.
I like the book Parenting School Age Twins and Multiples by Christina Baglivi Tinglof, because she talks about the different types of twins, and how their relationships and needs may be different, depending if they are same or opposite gender twins, monozygotic or dizygotic. (She has collected research from many studies to support these differences.) Some sets of multiples may have a greater need for separation and reduced competition, and may ask to do separate activities, especially DZ sets, while others especially MZ sets may enjoy being together more, and find separation upsetting. Promoting individuality and offering choices does not have to mean separation, not all the time. You could offer a choice of extracurricular activities, if you can find several options that will work for your family schedule, but if they both choose the same thing, that’s fine too.
With hindsight, I think your twins will show you and tell you about what they need over the years. If they are unhappy in a certain situation or at a certain time, do they need more alone time? or more together time? You will find the best solution that works for your particular kids and your family situation, and adjust when needed.
so interesting Erin – my friend with boy-girl twins is going through the same. they are really really shy in new situations and stick together (unless they are the first to arrive and get their bearings). They have been doing the separate activities lately and it seems to work well – and I was just thinking about having them over to my place separately to see how that would go on a playdate. Such a challenge all these differnt things!
I can imagine how hard it must be, Erin – trying to find one-on-one time with any of your kids at any given time gets tricky, but tougher still when they’re the same age. And of the same sex, I’d imagine! I love the idea of separate dressers an things they don’t have to share with each other… and separate playdates sounds like a great idea sometimes – then you could spend time with the one who doesn’t go off to play, maybe.
You’re a good mum. We can’t do everything, despite our best intentions… they’ll be okay! 🙂