Ah muse, where have you been for the past year? I’ve been thinking about writing this post for more than a year and I’ve been stuck. What will I write about, who will care, why would anyone want to know about my family and me, I can’t write as well as Jen, Kath, Amreen and all the other bloggers.
Well, I’m breaking the writer’s block. This site was started after my sister, Madeleine, died of cancer in 2004. Since then I’ve tried to savour every moment and enjoy every day. But honestly I haven’t. There are many reasons: Mild post-partum depression, isolation, and other unfortunate life circumstances. It seems like a lot of bad stuff has happened and I’ve become increasingly more tired and unable to deal with it.
As of today, that is going to change. I’m in the middle of a health scare. I’ve watched my grandfather, my sister and my aunt die of cancer. I have friends who have had cancer and have survived and now I’m maybe facing the big C.
I found a lump in my breast. I went to the clinic and saw the nurse practitioner and she ordered me a mammogram and ultrasound. She marked URGENT on the requisitions. She got me an appointment the very next day. So now I wait, seven whole days. I have to wait until next Wednesday to find out anything.
It’s scary. Even though I know that most of the time the lumps are benign. Even though I have fibrocystic breast condition and have generally lumpy breasts. This lump is different. The URGENT scared me.
The night of the tests I lay between my beautiful, sweet twin girls and cried thinking about leaving them behind. I remembered how painful that was for my sister. I thought about how hard it would be for my mother to lose another daughter. I thought about my husband and how difficult it would be to raise the girls alone. I remembered how painful it was for my cousins to lose their mother. I thought of my niece and nephew growing up without Madeleine. So I cried. The next night I drank… a lot of white wine.
Tonight I’m alone (a rare event) and I decided I’m going to write. I’m going to write about how every moment we have is precious and I’m going to remember that everyday from now on. Maybe not every second, but at least a few times a day.
Starting right now. I’m going to go sit on our brand new dock with (only one) glass of white wine and enjoy the spectacular view up Lake Temagami.