Ah muse, where have you been for the past year? I’ve been thinking about writing this post for more than a year and I’ve been stuck. What will I write about, who will care, why would anyone want to know about my family and me, I can’t write as well as Jen, Kath, Amreen and all the other bloggers.
Well, I’m breaking the writer’s block. This site was started after my sister, Madeleine, died of cancer in 2004. Since then I’ve tried to savour every moment and enjoy every day. But honestly I haven’t. There are many reasons: Mild post-partum depression, isolation, and other unfortunate life circumstances. It seems like a lot of bad stuff has happened and I’ve become increasingly more tired and unable to deal with it.
As of today, that is going to change. I’m in the middle of a health scare. I’ve watched my grandfather, my sister and my aunt die of cancer. I have friends who have had cancer and have survived and now I’m maybe facing the big C.
I found a lump in my breast. I went to the clinic and saw the nurse practitioner and she ordered me a mammogram and ultrasound. She marked URGENT on the requisitions. She got me an appointment the very next day. So now I wait, seven whole days. I have to wait until next Wednesday to find out anything.
It’s scary. Even though I know that most of the time the lumps are benign. Even though I have fibrocystic breast condition and have generally lumpy breasts. This lump is different. The URGENT scared me.
The night of the tests I lay between my beautiful, sweet twin girls and cried thinking about leaving them behind. I remembered how painful that was for my sister. I thought about how hard it would be for my mother to lose another daughter. I thought about my husband and how difficult it would be to raise the girls alone. I remembered how painful it was for my cousins to lose their mother. I thought of my niece and nephew growing up without Madeleine. So I cried. The next night I drank… a lot of white wine.
Tonight I’m alone (a rare event) and I decided I’m going to write. I’m going to write about how every moment we have is precious and I’m going to remember that everyday from now on. Maybe not every second, but at least a few times a day.
Starting right now. I’m going to go sit on our brand new dock with (only one) glass of white wine and enjoy the spectacular view up Lake Temagami.
Erin – how did I miss this post? I think I’m a moron lately. I’m so happy to hear that it was benign. I had a little scare on this front as well and it really does shake you to the core. I’m so sorry to hear about your sister. I’m done with cancer…it annoys me. Time to find a cure!
Hi Erin,
Your post brought tears to my eyes. Since my boys were born almost 2 years ago, the thought of not being here to protect/nurture/support them sends me into a panic! My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I look forward to reading your postings and sharing them with my moms-of-multiples friends.
Cheers,
Ruth
President of Multiple Births Guelph-Wellington
Can’t wait to read more about your adventure raising multiples!! Your comments on all our blogs have always been so insightful so I know your blog will be the same!
Happy to have you on the UrbanMoms team:)
Yeah, Erin…..
You did it… I am so proud of you starting this blog. mYou have a lot to share and I, as someone who has gotten to know you a little because of our twinship, am going to enjoy getting to know you more via this blog.
My heart is with you this week. I am here if you need me.
Keep blogging, and have a good week at school.
Good luck with the test results Erin. We’re sending you all positive thoughts!
Great first post and can’t wait to read more! Will be thinking of you all week and please let us know the news. Take care and hug those gorgeous girls from me.
Erin:
I have positive thoughts going your way. Life sure is a roller coaster ride – I wish you many many ups from here on in!
Gail
I really hope everything is okay. Your daughters are beautiful.
Blogging is a wonderful way to share, write and get support from some amazing people.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It is brave! I am sending you positive thoughts and hope everything will work out and you will have years of happy and healthy time with your family!
Hi Erin,
Wonderful to have you on board. Wish you could have been with us last weekend on our first retreat. I grew up in Peterborough in the country for the first part of my life and I sigh as you mention your view from your dock. It sounds lovely. I too know how isolating being a mom can be. But you have done the right thing by starting your blog(s). Enjoy- I was just marvelling this afternoon at how amazing therapeutic writing can be. Embrace it!
My fingers too, are crossed that everything is okay.
So great to have you join us! Loved your post and will definitely be thinking about you and hoping your news is good. Welcome aboard and looking forward to following your blog in the future 🙂 K
Welcome Erin!!
Umm…your girls? Gorgeous! Can’t wait to learn more about them.
I went through the same thing in April with a lump. Had a mammo and an ultrasound.
All was fine. Thickened tissue…
My dr sent me asap as he knew my anxiety was through the roof after losing my best friend last July to leukemia. Jen and I had a discussion about the unfortunate things we have in common relating to that.
Looking forward to more great posts!!
Welcome Erin! I am so excited to have you on board and hear more about your multiple musings…and more. Please, keep us posted on your “news”. Fingers crossed. xo