You know, I’ve been around the block enough times that I shouldn’t have been quite so shocked the first time I heard those four words come from a young student’s lips. Maybe it was because I genuinely saw the proferred activity as a reward, a break, a fun time-out from the regular classroom routine. Or maybe it’s because I’m (possibly) old-fashioned. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s because I’m right and saying it at all was actually a little bit out of line?
So here’s what went down. It was my regular grade two French class, on an overcast Friday afternoon at the end of a long week. The students had been working hard all week and I thought it would be a nice treat for them to watch an episode of one of their favourite TV cartoons in French. We do this on a somewhat regular basis – the kids love to watch things like The Magic Schoolbus or Max & Ruby in French, and the darkened room with the SmartBoard turned on is usually greeted by cheers and applause, because it always means something fun.
But last week, about three minutes in to the show, a student approached me where I was marking workbooks at the back of the room. She is a sweet, timid and hardworking little soul, and I presumed she was going to ask, “puis-j’aller aux toilettes?” (may I go to the washroom). Instead, she looked me in the eye and said, “Madame, actually, I don’t want to watch this video.”
I think I must have looked flabbergasted, because she continued, “…I just don’t feel like it.”
Now, stop me if I’m way off track, but WHAT THE…??? I mean, I’ve had kids tell me “I don’t get it” or “this is too hard”; I’ve even had kids groan with frustration because they don’t like the assignment, but I’ve only recently had students brazen it out like that and say “I don’t want to”. And the worst part of it is, this isn’t the first time it’s happened. I’ve had other little children (I mostly teach grades 1-3) recently tell me “I don’t want to” as well. Whether it’s reading a story, writing out vocabulary or even drawing an illustration to go along with their writing, I’ve had more than one student stop their work, look up at me and say, “I don’t want to do this.”
YOWZA.
Now, I don’t want to come across like some cantankerous old crone who always says, “back in my day no child would ever dream of …”, but seriously: would you have ever told your teacher “I don’t want to”? And even today, as I work hard to raise my daughters to be confident, self-sufficient young women who know how to ask for what they need, I sincerely hope I have instilled in them enough respect for their teachers, and a sense of their role as students, that they would never, never dream of it either.
So what do you think? Should we celebrate these children for their courage to stand up to the adults in their world and ask for what they want? Should we congratulate them for being confident enough to share their true feelings, no matter how non-conformist they may be? Or am I on the right track with these students of mine who just don’t want to, when I tell them, “well, I’m sorry you don’t want to, but it’s what your teacher has asked you to do, so please do it.”
Jeez. Kids these days!
There’s a difference between saying “I don’t want to” when asked to do a chore or a task in school, then to say “I don’t want to” when doing an optional activity. There’s also a difference in the tone used when saying the phrase – the nasty tone and the respectful tone.
Sometimes there are other kids thinking the exact same thing, but don’t want to rock the boat or get the teacher/parent mad on them. Sometimes it could be a wake-up call to the teacher that the activity isn’t as exciting/rewarding as it was initially.
I have a daughter (14) who detests watching movies/videos during class time. Most of her class likes them, gets them out of school work, but unless watching the movie is part of the school curriculum (comparing a movie to a book or instructional), she pulls out another book and reads quietly.
Kids need to learn how to say “I don’t want to”. Put it in a different perspective – someone offers them drugs/alcohol, someone says lets go to this party, someone says hop in the car with me and we’ll go for a drive. There are lots of times they need to be able to say this phrase.
As long as it is done respectively, sometimes “I don’t want to” is the correct response.
Kath,
I totally agree that being overly permissive is unhealthy for the kids. To quote Barbara Colorosso, we want to be parents with “backbone”, not “jellyfish” and not “dictators”. Anyway, I do think that kids should feel comfortable enough with their parents and teachers to say I don’t want to. That shows that they feel safe, generally. Maybe not always but certainly mostly. People say that kids are getting worse, but Aristotle also said that. I do think that kids are being kept in childhood for longer in some ways (responsibility) and leave earlier in others (sexuality), but who knows.
I also think that they need to learn that sometimes they do things they dislike but have to, especially with treating people respectfully and chores. When it comes to learning, I’m not so sure.
I think I was responding more to the comments than your actual post.
As for preparing them for life, well, that’s our job. But that doesn’t mean we have to agree with the way our systems work. I don’t, and I guess that’s always my bias. The systems seem to bring out the worst in humanity IMO. And, we have to either figure out how to be good within it, which happens a lot, or live outside of it, which is difficult, at best.
I’m not sure if this is in any way clear but…I think that my own kids and most of my students do feel respected and safe, most of the time.
Erin, I don’t disagree with any of your points. I do everything I can within the limits of my school’s program and with the resources I have to make learning exciting and personalized for my students. And they are always allowed to colour or do another non-disruptive activity when I show a video.
In any event, my story is more about childhood and less about “student-hood”. I find it interesting that there are so many six and seven year-olds out there who will tell their teacher (or friend’s parent, etc.) that they “don’t want to”. I guess my point is that I expect it from my own children, but I find it surprising from other children. That holds equally true for students and non-students alike, including my daughters’ friends. I wouldn’t be any more pleased with one of my daughter’s friends saying “I don’t want to” if I asked her to help clean up after a play date.
So maybe the point is not so much “let’s prepare kids for the workforce” but let’s prepare them for life. There are many, many times in life when we have to do things we don’t want to (I like Alice’s example of laundry). Mostly it’s the grease that keeps our society churning along…AND, in fact, this is a case where it is also about relationships. I don’t want to roll out a hackneyed old quote about “respecting your elders”, but do we really do our kids any favours if we don’t help them to understand why it’s important to respect and obey certain adults (within reasonable limits of course)?
I guess it’s just a question mark for me. And honestly, if it were my own children, I would use the same line: “I’m sorry you don’t want to (clear your dishes, make your bed, go to sleep, read this book, etc.) but I’m your mother and I’ve asked you to do it. So please do it.”
A lot of recent parenting literature supports the fact that while we shouldn’t be dictators as parents (or elementary school teachers, which are very much like parents, I would submit); we also don’t do our children any favours by being overly permissive. Therefore children should be allowed a voice (which I honoured and respected in this case by saying “I’m sorry you don’t want to”) but that in many cases they do have to defer to the judgment of the adults in their lives. This helps them to feel both respected AND safe.
I understand how you feel because it is hard to deal with that as a teacher. I don’t like it when I hear it either. It doesn’t sound like that child was being insolent, it sounds like she just wasn’t interested in the video. Perhaps she could draw while it was on, or do something that wouldn’t distract the others.
However, I do think that kids are made to do way more things that they don’t want to than adults are. School is full of tasks that are often boring to some of the kids. This is different from kids always getting what they want, like a new toy or candy. Learning and school should be about being inspired, engaged and impassioned. And, frankly, I don’t think that happens a lot. Anywhere. Not because of the teachers, because of the system.
There are two reasons I disagree with the workplace analogy. For one, adults usually do choose their job. Yes, there are tasks that may be a part of it that they dislike but they still chose the career or job. Secondly, I don’t think that elementary school should be about preparing kids for jobs. They’re very young still and I don’t think employment should be the focus. Again, I think it should be inspiring them to become life-long learners. If they find their passion, they will be inspired to work, they won’t have to be forced by someone who is bigger and has more power.
I feel like I’m such a rebel when I write about education here but there are many other educators in Ontario and Canada who agree with me. There are great twitter discussions and I went to a fantastic symposium sponsored by OTF that featured Diane Ravitch and Dennis Shirley. Dennis writes about the relationships being top priority and about balance…but that’s a post in itself that I will write once I have received (on order) and read his book.
I’m with you here – some things you have choice in, others you don’t, and you may as well learn about that starting early so you can get used to that. We use that terminology around our house for clarity, in fact, telling them that “this is not a choice” when they need that spelled out. (Or, if we’re feeling snarky, pointing out a few of the many things that we do even if we don’t feel like it, like laundry, to bring home the point about how things would fall apart and there would be nothing to wear if we all just laid down the burden s we didn’t *feel* like carrying!)
I’m with you too, Kath. I loathe an insolent child – really, I do. I believe I’m becoming horribly old-fashioned, but I don’t think I care. I think kids at younger and younger ages are being allowed to do/have/get whatever they want, whenever they demand something… it drives me bonkers.
And to add to what Jen said, it won’t do them any good ANYWHERE to think that they can pick and choose all over the place. There are times when you have more choices about things… and there are times when you don’t. Gah!!
I totally agree. If it is an optional activity then definitely feel free to express yourself but, otherwise, you are part of a group and that means that sometimes you have to go with the majority.
I like your response. Respectful but firm. It won’t do them any good when they get into the workforce to think that there are parts of their job that are optional!