A few days ago, Nancy from Flying Solo wrote a compelling post, aimed at her male readers, about the importance of foreplay in relationships. She outlined some excellent examples of how to woo a lady into intimacy… but, as a male reader of her blog, I fear I cannot let this topic go without a response.
Here then, is my response to the female gender regarding the importance of foreplay in a relationship (as prescribed by a woman).
- First and foremost, let’s address the obvious. What do women need to do to turn men on? Be awake. That’s about it. And even then, we can get mighty turned on when you are asleep. Fact is that men are always ready. Just ask, and away we go. So really, ladies, shouldn’t you be perpetually turned on by our perpetual arousal?
- Further to the above point, how is it fair that there is a laundry list (literally) of things that men must first do for the chance to be with you, and all you need to do is ask? We don’t demand elaborate accomplishments to earn the reward of intimacy. We don’t force you to sing for your supper, then cook it, then clean up, then take out the garbage, then tell us we’re attractive before all systems are considered Go. Please, lower your standards and we’ll all be ok.
- Any advice offered by the fairer sex is welcome, provided you are prepared to follow-through consistently. Men are logical, if not Pavlovian, when it comes to signs of intimacy and we expect logic and past success to prevail in future as well. If A, then B. If B, then C. That type of thing. So please, if we offer A (washing the dishes without whining), make sure C (coitus) is the outcome. Every time. Otherwise, we lose faith in your ability to follow-through on C, and then we don’t even bother to do A.
- As men, our focus on intimacy and love also changed when the kids arrived. Keeping a spark glowing whilst kids are screaming in the next room, or after it has taken us an hour and a half to get them to sleep, is not solely our responsibility. Stop waiting for us to initiate (and fear not rejection… further to point 1, you will be successful 100% of the time you initiate intimacy).
- You want us to compliment you all the time? Try complimenting yourselves. There’s nothing sexier than a woman who exudes self-confidence. We love you, we married you and we had kids with you because we find you attractive. That won’t change. A self-conscious woman who knows she can be sexually confident around her man is incredibly sexy.
- Stop luring us into the Prisoner’s Dilemma of “Do I look fat in this?” It’s Abstinence Entrapment to ask a question to which there is no possible right answer. Not sexy.
- Please remember this, always: the Old Spice guy doesn’t really exist. Ladies around the world idolize him for his charm and suave demeanor. Admit it, you’ve probably pictured this dude, while, you know… But men around the world are plotting his demise, because he sets up and ideal that isn’t possible. You can either spend your time in the gym to look like he does, or you can spend time raising a family. Not both.
I tried to think of more things that women can do as foreplay, but it doesn’t really work the other way around, does it? If a woman says to her man, “Baby, why don’t you go play golf Saturday morning.” That’s one hell of a turn-on! Unfortunately, when we get home from golf and are ready to ‘thank’ our partners for their generosity, it’s quite unlikely that she will feel as amorous as we do.
Don’t get me wrong. I understand Nancy’s point, and she offers a lot of good advice. But her advice, in my book, isn’t foreplay… it’s simply advice aimed at keeping a relationship strong. We should tell you we love you more often. We should do our share of the cooking, cleaning and complimenting. We should be more attentive and involved in our conversations. But not as foreplay; as one half of our loving partnership.
Because let’s face it, men can’t do anything to put women in the mood. They just are, or they aren’t. Sure, there are varying degrees of ‘not in the mood’ — like when we complain about having to take out the garbage, I’m sure it makes things worse. But ultimately, when you are ready to have sex, that’s when it happens.
Whether we cooked the kids Kraft Dinner or not.
PS – Great post Nancy!