A few days ago, Nancy from Flying Solo wrote a compelling post, aimed at her male readers, about the importance of foreplay in relationships. She outlined some excellent examples of how to woo a lady into intimacy… but, as a male reader of her blog, I fear I cannot let this topic go without a response.
Here then, is my response to the female gender regarding the importance of foreplay in a relationship (as prescribed by a woman).
- First and foremost, let’s address the obvious. What do women need to do to turn men on? Be awake. That’s about it. And even then, we can get mighty turned on when you are asleep. Fact is that men are always ready. Just ask, and away we go. So really, ladies, shouldn’t you be perpetually turned on by our perpetual arousal?
- Further to the above point, how is it fair that there is a laundry list (literally) of things that men must first do for the chance to be with you, and all you need to do is ask? We don’t demand elaborate accomplishments to earn the reward of intimacy. We don’t force you to sing for your supper, then cook it, then clean up, then take out the garbage, then tell us we’re attractive before all systems are considered Go. Please, lower your standards and we’ll all be ok.
- Any advice offered by the fairer sex is welcome, provided you are prepared to follow-through consistently. Men are logical, if not Pavlovian, when it comes to signs of intimacy and we expect logic and past success to prevail in future as well. If A, then B. If B, then C. That type of thing. So please, if we offer A (washing the dishes without whining), make sure C (coitus) is the outcome. Every time. Otherwise, we lose faith in your ability to follow-through on C, and then we don’t even bother to do A.
- As men, our focus on intimacy and love also changed when the kids arrived. Keeping a spark glowing whilst kids are screaming in the next room, or after it has taken us an hour and a half to get them to sleep, is not solely our responsibility. Stop waiting for us to initiate (and fear not rejection… further to point 1, you will be successful 100% of the time you initiate intimacy).
- You want us to compliment you all the time? Try complimenting yourselves. There’s nothing sexier than a woman who exudes self-confidence. We love you, we married you and we had kids with you because we find you attractive. That won’t change. A self-conscious woman who knows she can be sexually confident around her man is incredibly sexy.
- Stop luring us into the Prisoner’s Dilemma of “Do I look fat in this?” It’s Abstinence Entrapment to ask a question to which there is no possible right answer. Not sexy.
- Please remember this, always: the Old Spice guy doesn’t really exist. Ladies around the world idolize him for his charm and suave demeanor. Admit it, you’ve probably pictured this dude, while, you know… But men around the world are plotting his demise, because he sets up and ideal that isn’t possible. You can either spend your time in the gym to look like he does, or you can spend time raising a family. Not both.
I tried to think of more things that women can do as foreplay, but it doesn’t really work the other way around, does it? If a woman says to her man, “Baby, why don’t you go play golf Saturday morning.” That’s one hell of a turn-on! Unfortunately, when we get home from golf and are ready to ‘thank’ our partners for their generosity, it’s quite unlikely that she will feel as amorous as we do.
Don’t get me wrong. I understand Nancy’s point, and she offers a lot of good advice. But her advice, in my book, isn’t foreplay… it’s simply advice aimed at keeping a relationship strong. We should tell you we love you more often. We should do our share of the cooking, cleaning and complimenting. We should be more attentive and involved in our conversations. But not as foreplay; as one half of our loving partnership.
Because let’s face it, men can’t do anything to put women in the mood. They just are, or they aren’t. Sure, there are varying degrees of ‘not in the mood’ — like when we complain about having to take out the garbage, I’m sure it makes things worse. But ultimately, when you are ready to have sex, that’s when it happens.
Whether we cooked the kids Kraft Dinner or not.
PS – Great post Nancy!
Good list.
And now I’ll read Nancy’s list…
Hee!!
In a way both Shawn and Nancy are right. Shawn’s correct that Nancy’s list is about building a strong relationship, but then again, if the relationship isn’t strong, chances are pretty good that sex isn’t going to be tops on the list (for either partner). In a way, you could quote Kevin Costner: “if you build it (the relationship), they will come.” Ahem.
I just had to say… really? That Old Spice man is ludicrous and more than a little creepy. (I’d really like to see whoever came up with that campaign fired and publicly humiliated.)
Thanks for the advice Shawn:)
Hi Shawn,
It is a myth that men are always ready. They are also affected by stress and fatigue. I rarely initiate sex anymore since 9 times out of 10 I get turned down.
Love it Shawn-this is exactly what I was hoping to stir up. You nailed it. Men and women are so the same and so different. For women life is foreplay, for men, perhaps just a strong breeze . If there is a God, she has a fantastic sense of humour.
Thanks for the fun banter.
“Perpetually aroused.” That’s funny. Thanks for poking fun at the stereotypical male sex drive.
Doing dishes without whining should equal sex every time if it did once? Um, no. It equals being a partner in the marriage. Sex isn’t a favour. It’s a building block in the relationship. One of many.
Thanks for the laugh, though.
What is this sex thing you guys keep talking about??? Foreplay? I seem to recall something about this during frosh week…but it’s foggy…
Shawn,
Great post! You’ve found the perfect blend of humour and seriousness.
I think the point is, if women are too tired from working all day and they starting a second shift at home, there is nothing that will get them in the mood.
You’re right about that’s more about the relationship than it is about sex.
You are right… Nancy’s list is GREAT – just not necessarily as actual, literal foreplay…just more of foreplay FOR MARRIAGE (not sex). well, there ARE things that WILL work as actual foreplay…you just have to find the right one. Every woman has got something. I mean, if you put on Mad Men, make me a frozen mudslide and tickle my back…well, I’m pretty much a sure thing.
ahem.
but men can’t really have a list. they are always a sure thing. heh.
PPS – Greater post Sean!