nor do the children of men as a whole experience it.
Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.
Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.
To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits
in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable.
– Helen Keller
As most of you know, my mom has cancer. This week we found out that the cancer has spread. This news is unbearable. Impossible. There are few things in my life that I would consider more personally tragic. My mom is not only my role-model but she is one of my best friends.
So what do I do? How do I cope? I do what I have always done, I turn to my mom for guidance. I watch her and realize that we all feel anger and fear and sadness. The key is, we can’t let it paralyze us. We can’t let these emotions stop us from living our lives or let them take over the time we have together. Because no matter what, it won’t change a thing.
You know what this is called? This is called courage. Courage is the ability to feel fear, acknowledge it, but then push through it. The fear is still there but you consciously DECIDE to go on despite it. This experience has shown me that I have never truly needed courage before.
Wonderful, thoughtful people say things to me like “you are so strong” or “the way you are dealing with this is inspiring”. I am no different from anyone else. The difference is that I, and my whole family, have made a conscious choice to be courageous because the alternative is too awful. Feeling the pain but enjoying my mom and my family and celebrating what we have is far more comforting than wallowing in self-pity and running in fear. But the truth is it is harder. It is a conscious effort all of the time. The emotions are overwhelming. I am constantly fighting my instinct to bolt or to fall apart or to lash out and, the truth is, often I am not brave. Sometimes I succumb to the pain.
The great gift my mom has given me and my sisters and many other people she has touched is the gift to live life consciously. To be aware of the opportunities life hands us, to realize the impact every interaction with another person brings, to accept what life offers and make the best of every damn second.
My life up until now has been building the foundation for what I am facing. This is the ultimate test of sorts. Was I listening? Was I taking heed? Do I have the strength to face this head on with courage? The answer is YES. I must and I want to. Because this is what my mother taught me. This is how I honour her and everything she means to me. I am so proud to be her daughter and so proud to carry on her legacy of love, self-respect, and courage.
You, Kath and your family are so much in my thoughts and prayers right now. Even though I don’t know your mum, after meeting you and Kath, I can only imagine her strength, wit and intelligence. She’s raised beautiful, bold girls and you are obviously surrounding her with the love and courage she needs right now. My heart is with you.
Jen and Kath,
I’m so terribly sorry to hear about your mom. What an amazing lady she is. I remember what a kind, nurturing, calm mother she was….letting us come over for our “prepartys” in highschool. She alway had the time to talk and remembered my family and what was going on with me. Truly a lovely soul. I had not idea that your mom was sick…and it makes me realize that’s it’s been far too long since I’ve talked to Alla. Emma and all the kids must keep your family smiling.
I am truly feeling saddened and I understand what you are going through. My father was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer two weeks ago. Our whole family is devastated and can’t quite grasp what this all means. It sort of feels like I’ve been transported into someone else’s life. He had been fighting what we thought was pneumonia for a few months before this.
I find your words inspiring as I struggle to accept what I know now. We had been given 8 months with Dad which has now been reduced (to months they say…whatever that means) and I feel the need to spend every moment that I can with him. His words were those of a truely self-less person when he courageously relayed the news to me. He said that he “is not afraid of mortality, just profoundly disappointed. But we all must accept this and he has to know that we are going to be ok.” I know he worries about my mother. My dad had just retired and finally started to enjoy some of the rewards of his 100% attendance with a company for more than 40 years. I dont’ remember ever seeing my father ill – probably because it was always about how we, my sister, mother and I were doing.
As I’ve gone through the phases of grievance, I can’t help but feel angry for not having so many more years with him. I have decided to focus on how blessed I have been to have a man like this for a father for almost 36 years…much more than some people get. He has also taught me courage, to consider others first, not to complain, stay strong, steady, consistent, don’t be foolish which was always relayed as “No monkey shines” when I was on my way out with friends, show love and always leave things a little bit better than the way you found them.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. If there is anything I can do, please let me know. I’m sure many have offered already.
Hugs,
Amber
Currently I am going through the same thing with my Dad. My Dad had back pain that just wouldn’t go away with any pain meds or any other interventions. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer that spread to his spine, in June 2007, at the same time my daughter was born. He is already in the final stages and has had to live in hospice since the beginning of December. He didn’t even get to spend Christmas with us at home.
Courage to us is just dealing, some days are good, some are bad, but it is so heartbreaking to see your parent slowly fade away. Everyone also thinks I am so strong but I also do let my mind wander to “what could have been”, how my Dad is such a fabulous grandfather but now won’t have the opportunity to be there now. How that relationship for both him and my kids will NOW not be. I did not have grandparents that were alive so I always envied others with them. I remember my Dad saying that he was happy & thought that being a grandfather gave him a chance to be an even BETTER role model and have a better relationship with us, all cause he felt he made mistakes/choices that he wish he had not done with us. I tell him that we all turned out fine but I understand him.
Our family also feels that you just DO go on and deal with it, however heartbreaking it is.
Jen,
Thank you for sharing this. You will never know how many people you help by sharing your journey with your Mom.
All I know is that your Mom is the kind of woman who had both her 5yr old nephew & 2 yr old niece (because apparently I cried & cried when I couldn’t stay with my brother) for a sleepover with her 3 girls & never batted an eye. I’m sure that she reveled in it. She also willingly loaded 5 kids into the back of her station wagon for many a trip up to the cottage, & again never batted an eye.
Your parents have made the effort to visit us in every house my hubby & I have lived in (5 & counting) & I enjoyed every minute of their visits.
Thinking of you (& your family) & sending you lots of love & hugs.
Margot
You are very blessed to have the mother that you do. After reading your blog, I sat for a few minutes trying to think of the things that my mother has taught me, and I can think of very few positive things. Almost all of the good in me came from my father, who passed away 6 months ago from cancer and the young age of 57. His legacy will live in me, and the sadness does not come so much at his passing, but at the feeling of being an orphan at 30, even though my mother is alive and well.
My dad had incredible courage during his short 6 month battle. At one point, he asked me if I thought he was in denial because he was coping so well. It was absolutely not denial, it was acceptance and courage. He said to me many times “You play the cards you are dealt” and I know that seeing him go through this experience (and experiencing it with him) will have a positive impact on my life.
I am so sorry about your mom’s diagnoses. My heart aches for all three of you and the grandkids, because I truly know the loss. However, I am joyful that you have experienced such a wonderful parent who has created three amazing women.
the conscious choice to be courageous.
i love that.
amazing.
I am about to reveal myself as an utter Sci-Fi geek, but believe it or not, in difficult times I will often think back on the Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear from Frank Herbert’s Dune books.
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
I try to remember to let fear (or other negative emotions) to pass over me and through me…then they don’t conquer me: I conquer them.
Jen
My mother passed away at the age of 56 from breast cancer . I was 28 and very newly married. My mother taught me to love,laugh ,be brave , face adversity with strength and conviction ,make every day count and make time for myself .She wanted me know that even in the darkest hours she will be with me in spirit and mind. 20 years later she is every day.
I am a beeter mother because of her.
stay strong
xo Unah