I am writing to you today, because I have some grave concerns about several of your friends and I fear immediate intervention – perhaps literally – may be required in order to avoid catastrophe.
That’s right Darby, I am worried about Tigger, Pooh, Eeyore and Piglet. I fear they may have fallen victim to drug and alcohol abuse.
I’m not sure which of your friends was the first to dabble in darkness, but it seems pretty obvious to me that everyone is on the bandwagon. If I had to guess, I would look to Tigger as the main culprit.
For starters, Tigger can’t sit still. He is always bouncing somewhere and laughing maniacally when things really aren’t that funny. Then there’s his speech. At the very least, a talking tiger that is over 80 years old should have learned some very basic vocabulary by now. And yet he repeatedly mispronounces and misuses words.
Most concerning is that Tigger never wears clothes. Darby, I would have expected your parents to pick-up on that one by now.
Not that Pooh is any better. He only wears a shirt and talks so slowly, even Snoop Dogg would get annoyed. And have you ever seen anyone get the munchies more often? We all know what Yogi Bear went through. Let’s not let the same come to pass with our honey-loving friend.
Eeyore is clearly addicted to muscle relaxers and tranquilizers. It probably started as a means to cope with the pain of having a tail pinned to his butt, but regardless of the starting point, it has to end somewhere.
Piglet has me worried the most. That little guy is paranoid and manic depressive. He’s always lamenting the things that aren’t going well in his life, and yet, within 15 to 20 minutes he completely turns his spirits around. That type of mood swing can be dangerous, especially in a little guy with such an obvious Napoleonic complex.
I’ve put some thought into this, and I believe Owl may have a part to play in all of this. Owl is way too wise and relaxed… I think he is their supplier. I think Rabbit knows what’s going on too, but refuses to take action.
I’m confident Roo has no idea what is going on. I think we should do our best to keep it that way. That little guy is just too naive, I would hate to break his heart.
What can we do? An important first step will be for you to keep your eyes and ears open. The signs are probably there; you just need to look for them.
Watch your Super Sleuth workload too. Perhaps the constant need to fix other people’s problems has Tigger and Pooh so stressed out that they are looking for any means to cope.
Be especially vigilant around Owl. Make sure that Tigger, Pooh, Eeyore or Piglet never get alone time with him.
Darby, I want you to know that I am here for you. I have watched you grow from a young boy named Christopher Robin into a young girl named Darby. I will watch over you like I watch out for my little Pea. Be strong.
* * * * * * * * *
Dear Tigger and Pooh fans,
I’m just joking.
Please note that I have made these satirical observations because I watch WAY too much Tigger and Pooh… more than you can imagine. We had a Winnie the Pooh-themed second birthday party for Pea, we own several stuffed Pooh Bear’s and we sing the show’s theme song more often than I care to admit.
In fact, regarding the theme song – my wife and I need someone to clarify whether the song goes “…with so much in the WORLD to discover” or “…with so much in the WOOD to discover”? It’s driving us nuts.