first rule about marriage- don’t talk about marriage

There is an interesting phenomena when you are married – you don’t talk about it to others. If you drink too much and say  we never have sex or he sleeps in the basement or we never have any fun or he is lazy or my family hates her or she slept with my best friend or simply we are struggling- it becomes your marriage. You are dutiful to your marriage. I was this way. I never ever let on anything was wrong. I honoured my marriage. I fooled everyone pretty much.

I have been thinking lately about my marriage in the context of not making the same mistakes again.

I figure we are allowed to make new mistakes but not repeat old ones.

I worry that if too much time passes with me dismissing certain aspects or details of it, that I might rewrite it in my mind and miss some REALLY important lessons.

So Friday night after a long swim and eating a large  homemade pizza all by myself  (am I in another growth spurt?) with a glass of red (ok I am lying 2 glasses because the first was so good), I sat down and wrote chapter one about my marriage.

I wrote about when we first met,  what attracted me, what dating was like, how I felt at certain moments, how I felt when it was falling apart. I had never written that stuff.  I write about all sorts of stuff but very little about my marriage.

A friend arrived at the cottage to surprise me and  could not believe I had written 4 pages in an hour without looking up or thinking.

It just rolled out.

I felt so clean and honest writing it. It was like I was staring it all bravely in the face.

We shared a bottle of wine

They asked if they could read it

It was easy to say ‘yes’.

There was one bit that stuck out for me. Sometimes when I drive late at night in the rain I think of it still.

I called my mom and dad one night as I fled my home. It was pouring rain the way it always is when you are in distress. I went to them.  I cried so hard but they could not make it better.

The moment you reach outside of your marriage for help is the moment you are in real difficulty. No one risks alienation or humiliation until it is desperate.

It was desperate