“You’re going to stay in your own bed all night tonight, right?”
“Your breath smells like coffee,” my four-year-old replied.
The two were not unrelated. My children were terrible sleepers as babies, and they are terrible sleepers now. The oldest complains he can’t sleep until 11 pm, and the youngest turns into a defence lawyer, objecting to every word I say.
On the flip side, I am an extreme introvert. I don’t just like having time to myself at night, I actively need it for my mental health. I can’t function properly without it. By bedtime, I am done being touched, being asked questions, even being cuddled. Even if my kids are being perfectly behaved (the one time that happened,) I am parented out by 9 pm.
In a perfect world, we would do a lovely bedtime routine that fostered bonding, my kids would hop into bed and fall right to sleep, I’d have a coffee and watch TV, maybe get some work done, and we would greet each other in the morning happy to see each other after our break.
In reality, I tell them to go get ready for bed, repeat it six times before any attempt is made, break up the inevitable fights, thwart the Lego playing, and listen to the constant whining and talking back.
At bedtime, dial up the rudeness to 11. They make me angry with their lack of respect for me and for what I am asking them to do. They turn the simple tasks of putting on pajamas and brushing their teeth into a 40-minute Gladiator match.
I inevitably snap at them. There is yelling, from all of us. Frequently, I say something I don’t mean in frustration, like, “I don’t care!” when they give me their 37th reason why they don’t want to go to bed. I start each evening with compassion for things like a spider in their room or being unable to find PJ bottoms, but eventually, I hit a wall, and all I want to do is get them into bed and walk away from them. I haven’t done it, but the temptation to just close their door and let them do whatever they want all night as long as they don’t bother me is there. I just need to not be in their presence at that moment.
By now, they are overtired and cranky, I am fending off an anxiety attack, and we are making each other worse. Eventually, we find some kind of compromise, they fall asleep, and I collapse on my bed with raised blood pressure and tears in my eyes.
This should mark the time that I finally get to relax and regenerate, that time I so desperately need, but it doesn’t. That’s when the guilt starts picking at me like a gnat in my ear.
“I yelled at them again. They start and end their day being yelled at. A good mother would have a bedtime routine that worked. A good mother would be able to hold her ground without losing her patience. She’d never tell them she didn’t care.” I immediately regret everything I have just said and done to get them into bed.
I peek in at them, check their breathing and touch their heads as I have done every night since they were born. They are perfect, and I yelled at them. Again.
I try to reason with myself that I was having a bad night, and it will be better tomorrow, but it isn’t. They push the same buttons, I have the same anxiety-influenced reaction and the same guilt chaser.
But every night, before I leave the room, no matter how rough the lead up was, I tell them I love them and that we’ll see each other tomorrow. They still come to me for bedtime hugs. During the day and with clearer heads, we talk about the frustrations we have at night. We each know why the other snaps. We hate that it happens, but we get it.
I love them with all my heart and soul, even when I’m yelling. I tell them that, and they acknowledge it. It’s okay to not be perfect all the time. It’s how they know they don’t need to be either.
I sincerely hope we get this bedtime thing down. I still cling to that sitcom vision of finishing the story, kissing their heads, hitting the lights, and going back for them in the morning, where no one is freaked out by spiders, and no one tells me that they need a new sheet at the last second. Where it’s just I love you’s and drifting gently off to sleep.
But for now, I acknowledge that my strong-willed children get it from their mother, and though we all have some work to do, we love as fiercely as we fight.
Thank you for this – I feel it in my soul right now. I just finished yelling my kids to bed again and am sitting here feeling like the worst parent in the whole world, while also trying to recharge myself for tomorrow…. yeah right.. It is good to know that others are going through this too. Sending everyone dealing with this strength.
Yes I’m beyond sick with Covid right now and my 2 year old throws her cup out until the lid pops off and Juice goes everywhere I even try snacks she just keeps climbing out her bed and when I put her back she screams and throws it all back out I was sooo tired and frustrated with being sooo sick and not getting any sleep I yelled on top of my lungs go to bed she finally did after that but I get told I’m a horrible mom for it everytime by my mom or others because I have been loosing my cool more than usual because of Covid making me feel horrible idk what to do
I don’t understand why they don’t remember the monster I turn into every night. It is the same thing over and over. If they are so scared and start crying every night when I start yelling with real anger, why not avoid it 23-24 hours later?
I wonder if the “professionals” are wrong about the “needed” sleep throughout the day. Don’t let them sleep. Wake them early and keep them awake?
I am a dad who has been battling this for seems to be forever. I have a 6 year old and a 4 year old..ever single night I put them to sleep I start with bed time is at 9pm…I start this at 8pm. Turn off all the Technology and they just run around making messes. I ask them to clean then I tell them to clean then I say guys is always like this. Now I have hit the roof. I’ve been up since 5am go to work..after work I pick them up from the mother in laws house..engage in arts and crafts..make dinner..clean up the house..the wife is over cleaning before work. See leaves at 2pm to head to work after dropping the boys off. So the house is always a mess which sets me off. How can they be so messy. So after I clean it all up then right before the bedtime I see what has become of yet another day…here I am cleaning and arguing with two little monsters about why they cant clean up…25 times to brush the teeth…50 times to pick out their pjs..I have pictures on the dressers..I end up already alerted and bent out of shape get them on for them. Now it’s way passed the time I wanted them to be in bed..10:30 rolls around and they still sneaking out of bed making me more crazy..now i am yelling at them and just need some alone time but the heads peeking around the corner i cant seem to be alone. So I lose it..every night i lose it…i love them. I want them to listen and just give me a little space before mom comes home so I am not going to have a heart attack when she comes home..but every night I get her dinner and towel ready for her I am yelling in my head. She comes home…and ask how was your day…I look at the clock its 11:30 and I say long sweetie..long. but really in my head I am saying I am raging and wont be able to sleep because I take care of these monsters all the time…lack of sleep and no anyone time…and the boys refusing to do what I ask them I feel is tearing up my relationship. I try to hid it as best as I can. But I never thought this was how it was going to be. They dont do anything unless I yell at them…it hurts me. I dont want to be that dad.
I’m so sorry. That’s all just way too much for one person to handle. I hope you manage to get a break soon. I hope everyone that’s commenting here and reading this gets one. We’re all doing our best and we wouldn’t be worried about what kind of parents we are if we were bad ones. Hugs to all.
Wow this hit home. I googled “I yell at my kid every night” and found this so perfectly put article. I yell at my 4 year old almost every night because she just keeps delaying going to bed even if she hasn’t had a nap that day, and I try to do all the steps for bedtime but it’s just exhausting! Bath, pj’s, brush teeth, read book, say our feelings, pray, the list goes on. When I have to skip one step it’s a war, and I am just not in the mood for it every night. This made me realize I’m not the only one struggling with this out there so thank you!
Im laying here in bed. Crying. I just snuck into my 3 childrens rooms to kiss them. I am a single mom, trying my best. Yet I ended the night yelling at them and having them flinch like Im going to hit them because they were scared. Makes all of the fun things that we did in the day disappear. It breaks my heart that as the adult, the mother that loves them, I cant keep it together. It just sucks. I want them to look back on their childhood and their memories of their mother and know they were loved and remember the fun we had together. Yet this is the impact I feel I am leaving. Saddens me to my core.
I am sorry you feel that way. Keep your chin up. I know what you’re saying. And it does suck. I feel the same way. I just hope they know we love them every second of every day. Bottled up frustration leaks out sometimes and the last thing we want to do is leave them scared before bed. They just dont understand. Do your best. Seems like you do. Keep your chin up and love these little angels/monsters. It will be ok.
My daughter is 7. If I put her to bed in her own bed she comes in and wakes me every 2 hours. If she sleeps with me more often then not she moves constantly and wakes me. I’m an introvert and a single mom too and it’s like torture. I just yelled at my daughter after she kept me up all night again. My one year old sleeps through the night in her crib. WTF? Definitely guilty all the time but human needs don’t disappear when you become a mom :(.
Has anyone found a solution ?
Still yelling at my 12 year old dragging her feet to sleep by playing with the dogs, the cats and need water, and its 10:27pm right now. I don’t know does this ever get better but I am close to just giving up.
Ever since they made it illegal to beat your kids for misbehaving kids are just monsters.
Sounds like you have some stuff to work on first.
Yep ..feel it myself 3. Year old loves to drag toys in my room..im just falling asleep and there she is. I worked third and nowi moved to a 5 am start time..she’s still awakw at 11am of course. .i.am a single mom also
Thank you all of you! I needed this! I literally found this by googling “I always yell at my kid at bedtime” who would of thought I’d end up here but I’m glad I did. 3 yrs and 1 however my 3yr old is a war everyday
haha! I searched “how much yelling do you do at bedtime”
I googled “my kids won’t go to bed i have to yell” still don’t have an answer 🙁
Oh I needed this. I ran to find a validating blog after just getting my 1.5 year old down at 10:30. I think the F word may have been said under my breath a couple of times. Then I feel terrible and with tears in my eyes kiss her goodnight and apologize 10 times in her ear.
So thank you to all you hard working parents who keep fighting the good fight!!
Yeah sounds about right, my kids are 5.5, 3 and 9months…. trying to put all three to bed is an effing nightmare, while still knowing I have a kitchen to clean from dinner and it’s going on 9:00 when I put them to bed at 7:30 is ridiculous it’s like just Stay in bed and stop getting out 20 times!!! I’m exhausted and irritable I need sleep and when I come across as overwhelmed to my husband who works full time to support this family I feel like a bee(not the insect) thanks for your honesty we all need the support in knowing we aren’t terrible moms.
Wow! Just as everyone else has said, soo relatable! Its 2am and my 2.5 yr old is knocked out, but my 3.5 yr old is still fighting me and has a dentist appointment at 8am! I also feel the same as you, but i dont know how to handle this. Thank you for this post! I thought i was the only one that went through this every night. Oh and btw, we all share the same room! Lol
Thank you so much for this post. I’m a single mother and bedtime has always been a struggle. My 4 year old daughter also turns into a gladiator/defense attorney at bedtime and it’s excruciating. I found much community and comfort in knowing I’m not alone with bedtime madness.
I fell about ten times worse then u express…being a single mom. I get so overwhelmed I could almost have a heartattack especially because I didn’t have the best childhood growing
Up
You’re not alone. I found this googling “I yell at my toddler at bed time”. Also a single mum (since he was a few months old) and by 10pm, unless I crack it at him, he still won’t sleep. The minute I get angry…he goes to sleep. My guilt is massive. He’s 2.5 now. You’re not alone – remember that!
These comments are making me feel even better than the article! My 2 y.o. son is the same way…he will resist sleeping for hours, until I raise my voice and he is instantly asleep. It makes me feel horrible…I’m so glad I’m not the only one this happens to!
I am an introvert as well and a single Mother so I get very little alone time either and bedtime is “supposed” to be my time to “recover”. Most of us love being parents, that doesn’t mean it can’t be stressful as all hell. I’ve been so stressed at bedtime the last month that I looked it up so I didn’t feel so alone and came across your post, so I just want to say thank you for sharing and your honesty and transparency… it was very much needed.
I’m doing this with my 7.5 year old daughter and have been since birth. Boundaries. Today I told her I wouldn’t have time to make lunch if she didn’t go to sleep! Ironically, I’m a pediatrician who never saw herself in this position. Also ironically, I’m sitting with her in bed as usual because she couldn’t fall asleep. My 5.5 year old is out in 5 min. I appreciate that I’m not the only guilt ridden, time constrained mom out there..thanks for this
“Guilt-ridden” and “time-constrained” are the most accurate adjectives I’ve come across!
Hallelujah thank you for this honesty! I too struggle with the nighttime madness, just need peace, need MY time. This will help me thanks!
Wow! I don’t remember writing this but I must have, or we are living the same life. ❤️
Thanks for posting!