Oh the places you will go by Dr SeussI dropped my firstborn daughter at University this weekend. To say it was surreal is an understatement.
The entire first day I could not stop telling her how excited I was for her. I had butterflies and that feeling you get when you are sitting on the edge of the future. Or that feeling you get when you watch beautiful college boys playing contact sports on a fabulous field in the sunshine. Ooops, I keep forgetting. I am the mom.
Please understand the loss of her at home is – well- devastating is too sorrowful a word for a change that is so postive- but try to imagine living with pure happiness and kindness and then they leave the building. She has inhabited the daily texture of my life for 17 1/2 years like pure sunshine and now her purple room is empty.
I have tried to raise my children to not look to the next shiny moment when the one in front of them is so spectacular. The only real problem with that is we frequently aren’t ready for the emotions that accompany change. Many times we are bulldozed by it when we catch up to the present moment.
She pulled me aside and said “Momma, I am not ready”
We are on the street now in front of the restaurant. She has pulled me from our 25 friends inside. We are hugging and emotional. I don’t cry at all so that she can. I am strangely strong. As much as I fail if someone is in physical pain- you slam your finger in the door and I am not the best girl to look at it or mend it- emotional pain is where I can help. I never run from this opportunity.
I told her any big thing I have ever done in my life I was never ready for completely. When I moved to France, got a full time job, when I married, got a mortgage, when my first child was born, first started running art camps, when I separated, divorced, dated, embarked on a renovation, started writing about any of it, there were always many people – maybe me included- ready to tell me I was not ready or that I could not do it.
Being ready is overrated.
I told her that in every way she has surpassed who I hoped she would be. That she has everything she needs to do whatever she wants in this world. And so many good people on her side.
If the hill you are skiing down is too scary, take it one mogul at a time. And life, one day at a time. That, you are ready for.
And if you give it your best shot and it doesn’t work out- you come home and you do something else. I am not attached to any plan. I am attached to you.
She exhaled.
And we all went out for gelato.
So many great comments and feedback- thank you all! I must say I remember my first going all day like it was yesterday. Anyway I survived the first week and she is very happy -so all good on all fronts. I must say being extremely busy and happy myself sure helps. xxx
Oh my goodness, I’m right there with you, Mama! “Try to imagine living with pure happiness and kindness and then they leave the building. She has inhabited the daily texture of my life for 17 1/2 years like pure sunshine.” This is EXACTLY my experience.
It was a little surprising to me at first how slowly she was getting ready for the big drive to school, after so adamantly turning down our local prestigious university for the opportunity to go to a smaller school away from home. But then she confided in a whisper, “Mommy, I’m not in a hurry to leave.” We had a long cuddle while she poured out her heart: “What if I don’t get good marks and lose my scholarship?” We’ll reassess the finances, but it won’t be the end of the world – we’ll figure things out.
“What if I hate my program?” No worries, you can always change your major; I changed majors twice.
“What if I get to the end of school and decide I don’t want to be a teacher and I’ve wasted all this time and money?” It won’t be a waste; it’s excellent training no matter what you decide to do. There will be lots of options available.
“What if I don’t make any friends?” Then she laughed – even she knew that one wasn’t realistic. You make friends wherever you go – you are like sunshine coming into a room.
We drove her down, we set up her room, we chatted with her housemates (who so thoughtfully had prepared a welcome basket of goodies for her), we tucked her into bed and kissed her good night, we got into the car for the drive back, and I lost it completely and cried for half the trip home, remembering the day we brought her home from hospital, four hours old and so beautiful, remembering the day I took her to kindergarten, remembering dropping her off at sleepover camp for the first time (she was six), remembering the first day of Grade Five when she walked to school on her own, remembering the first day of high school.
Mothering is weaning. Weaning from the breast is the easy part. Mothering is the bittersweetness of always letting go.
Oh my… milestones. And she gets to have you as her touchstone. What an incredibly lucky girl she is – wonderful post, Village. Excellent. She will amaze you, just wait… xoxoxox
Tears Nancy! I can’t imagine! Today was emotional as my eldest walked into High school for the first time and my 6th started full day grade 1. I can’t stop thinking that in 4 more years she will be starting University as well – a life time to her, but so short a time for me!
As for now I am going to enjoy the next few years alone during the days with Thatcher and Tanner:)
i totally agree. i’m still not ready to have kids and my oldest just walked through the “big kid doors” to start grade 4! if you’re always ready you’re never on your toes.
i’m sure that day will come for me all too soon when i have their first day of university! that will probably be the first first day that i _will_ cry!
You two are so fortunate to have each other. What a perfect moment and so beautifully expressed.
Oh September is such an emotional month for Mama’s (and Dads too).
I’m at the opposite end of the spectrum. My glorious little girl is going to school full time (SK). I already miss my days home with her.
Reading this made my eyes cry. Now I REALLY want to push the pause button and keep them just as they are.
But I keep thinking of something I read I while back:
“our job is to prepare our kids for a life beyond us”
That “roots and wings” thing…I just hope I’m doing enough for them.
Sure sounds like you got it right Nanc! You’re a wonderful mother.
I am feeling the same way…just my youngest child is entering grade 1. His first time “all day”. I am sad really sad he is ready to start this journey and in reality will gain independence and not need me as much. Bittersweet:) I am so nervous for him. But i know he will be totally fine! Off to label plastic lunch containers with his name.
I”m weeping Nanc. I just can’t imagine. I’m dropping mine off to JK… how does this all happen. You’re awesome.