“Mom…why are you trying to look so pretty?”
This from my ten year-old daughter today.
There was nothing in particular going on this morning, other than my second-day hair. I did my hair up, as I usually do every second day. I call these updos (from sock buns to French braids to chignons) second-day hair, but only partly because I do it on alternate days. Mostly though, I call it second-day hair because it’s my second day wearing it (the hair) without washing. (Oh come on. You know you do it too.)
So back to this morning. I brushed, pony-tailed, back-combed and pinned my locks because today was – you know – the second day. Add my usual minimalist makeup and a pair of earrings and I’m dashing down the stairs to grab a travel mug full of hot coffee and head to work.
But then her question stopped me in my tracks.
Why was I trying to look so pretty? Was I trying to look pretty? Should I say thank you? Was it even a compliment? (She did specify I was trying, after all…there was no mention of me succeeding at looking pretty!)
But a question deserves a reply and so I gave her one.
“I always try to look pretty for work, sweetheart.” Oh, now that didn’t sound quite right.
“I mean; I always try to look my best.” Yeah, that didn’t feel great either.
And my inner dialogue proceeded something like this: you’re raising girls here, lady. Don’t sell them the beauty myth right in their own home! You tell them you need to look pretty for work, and that reinforces the ideas they’re already overexposed to: that their worth is directly correlated to their appearance and attractiveness.
Her question stopped me in my tracks.
Damn. How to recover this? By this point, my girl was out of the car and running to catch the bus, attention span long distracted by issues of far greater importance than her mom’s beauty (or lack thereof). Still, I just couldn’t shake the feeling that the exchange with my daughter hadn’t gone quite right, and I continued to replay the scene in my mind for a while.
Q: “Mom…why are you trying to look so pretty?”
A: “I just feel better when I look better.” No.
A: “I wear makeup and do my hair to look professional.” Better, but still not sitting right.
A: “How you look isn’t what matters most, but I think it’s fun to do my hair and put on makeup.” Definitely not.
And it occurred to me then that I couldn’t answer the question in a way that satisfied me because I don’t actually know the answer. I do wear makeup and style my hair and put on jewelry and generally try to dress well for work. And if I’m going out to a movie or shopping or dinner in a restaurant I will also put a little effort into looking less like I just rolled out of bed or off the couch.
But why?
I guess I do it just because it’s what’s done, you know? It’s how the world works. I mean; yes. I do feel better about myself when I think I look good. So nice hair and makeup and clothes that fit well…those things all give me a little boost. But should they? Is it necessary? Should this really be the way the world works?
Aaarrrggh!
Forget the birds and the bees. “Why are you trying to look pretty?” These are the tough parenting questions that will drive me crazy.
Eek, this is all so complicated! Personally, I wear make-up because I like to and I wear a ponytail because I don’t know how to do my hair and I wear whatever’s on sale.
Once you start thinking about it – really thinking about it – it gets very complicated very fast. I wear makeup because I like it too, but why do I like it? And should I? Argh. Sometime’s life’s too hard!
yup, i often go without makeup so when i put on mascara i get asked that very same question. honestly, i think i do look prettier with mascara! do i tell her that? what the #@$% am i going to tell her why i get my legs waxed???? WHO SAID GIRLS ARE EASIER????
i like your answer, tracey. i don’t like jam on my face either!
Julie, never mind waxing your legs…one of my friends regularly gets a brazilian. When her daughter started sex ed at school, she asked why her mom hadn’t started getting any hair “there” yet! When mom said, “oh, I wax it” the next logical question was, “why?” Try answering *that* one!
no, no i will not answer that! 🙂 LOL
I say things like, “I feel good when I think I look nice.” Or, “Putting your best foot forward is a good thing, I think.” And not walking around with jam on your face is really the same thing – having some personal pride, and not looking homeless are not bad things to strive for, as long as it’s not the only importance, of course.
PS – yes, she called you pretty. 🙂
Aw, shucks…thanks Tracey. Also…the putting your best foot forward angle is a good one. And the jam on the face bit is quite apropos for my messy eater!
It’s hard to say how she meant that question. I don’t think there’s a way you could have answered it directly that was without some flaw. Perhaps you could have fired a question back at her like “don’t I always look pretty?”
I like it! Answer the question with an even more loaded question 😉 Sneaky…
That IS a tough question! It’s so conflicting for us to feel a certain way…or not. As women we’re so worried about being judged. I’m sure harder when you’re raising daughters. But my answer for these hard questions is “I do it for me. It makes me happy.” I’ve gone through many tough questions like “why do you want to do that?” or kind of questions. I always resort to the same answer.
I know. Sheesh: these kids and their tough questions! You know when you swore you’d never say, “because I said so” as a parent? Yeah. That.
Pretty is worth enjoying as is every little joy. Making it everything is where the cuckoo lie. I say enjoy being pretty and then get down to the business of life!
Okay, this is awesome Nancy. I have to remember that: “Pretty is worth enjoying as is every little joy. Making it everything is where the cuckoo lie”
I field these same questions from my girls and have stumbled over the answers, too, realizing I don’t have it all figured out for myself. Where is the balance between enjoying fashion and beauty and femininity without passing along the message that that’s where our worth lies. I love getting dressed up and playing with pretty make up but I also have no problem showing up at my kids’ school in my exercise clothes and no make-up on my days off. I try to show them that it’s fine to do either, as long as you feel good, but yeah, still lots of deeper questions to figure out. Gah! Girls!!
It’s true though, they’ll do as we do and not as we say. I guess as long as I SHOW them that I see my true value in terms of my actions and not my appearance, they’re bound to turn out okay. Right? (Someone please tell me that’s right…)