Today I learned something. A big, big lesson on parenting my spunky, athletic, aggressively competitive daughter. I learned that no matter how equal women’s rights might appear, this world is still ruled by men. Duh, right? You’re thinking, “where the hell have you been, sister”? And now I am admitting, finally, despite years of denial, that you are right.
Since the beginning of my relationship with my husband I have heard people exclaim in amazement and shock when they hear that my husband does most of the shopping and that he prefers to cook (plus, I hate cooking with a passion…and I’m bad at it). Women comment on how lucky I am. Some have gone as far as to say I am spoiled. Important note: I am NOT spoiled but I hate to cook. I do lots of other things. And some is traditional “woman’s work”.
I guess I always just thought that although there still seemed to be an imbalance in stereotypical domestic duties it was merely a remnant from the past or that, maybe, it was a matter of choice and that this is simply what most couples preferred. But as I sat on the floor in our furnace room attempting to fix it while my husband cooked dinner the other night I did have a flash of doubt that this was a coming trend.
However, I never, ever thought that I would experience this with my 6 year-old daughter. Now, before I get into this story I want to make it very clear that this not a bitter parent complaining about how unfair the process of competitive sports is and how wrong the coaches were for not selecting my child. This is merely a mother’s observation of a process that very obviously, despite indications otherwise, was not at all girl-friendly.
Recently my daughter tried out for Select Hockey at our community club. The same club her brother has always played for and, in her mind, the only club that exists in the whole, wide world. She has been waiting years as she was dragged from game to game to graduate from Rink Rat to full-fledged hockey player and this year she gets her chance.
So that you know, this club does not have a girls team. She will play regular house league but nowhere on the website does it state that it is “boys hockey”. There is even a picture of a ponytailed girl on the homepage smiling under her helmet. On the outside it appears that this club welcomes boys and girls and truly, I think they really think they do. But as soon as you take a hockey loving girl to play you know something’s up. For one thing, out of the SEVEN house league teams in her age group there are FOUR girls registered. F.O.U.R. I know there aren’t nearly as many hockey playing girls but that really did surprise me.
Then, try taking your hockey obsessed daughter to the Select tryouts? Nothing in my whole life experience has ever been more obviously set-up for boys than this. Checking in, before we even get to the change room, we are asked for our “son’s” name. Then, my girl is shuffled into a room of boys to change into her hockey equipment. No girls change room was arranged (a note on this, my daughter has done hockey camp and clinics and there was often a girls change room so this is not always the case). This might not sound like much but it is awkward for her and probably for some of the boys too and definitely for many of the parents. Imagine your little boy being expected to strip down in a room full of girls?
But she was not fazed. She went out with the boys and tried her best. Meanwhile, as we watched on, many people who know us inquired what we were doing there. When we told them our daughter was trying out they expressed their surprise that this club had a girls hockey team. When we explained that they didn’t but that she was trying out for the “regular” Select team the reactions ranged from shock and surprise to smiles and comments about my daughter’s determination and even a joke about her questionable mental health (all in jest, of course).
This just floored me. I guess I was that naive. I actually truly believed that she had as good of a chance as anyone. That girls were as welcome, albeit maybe not as commonplace, at these tryouts. Even after all of this, after feeling a bit overwhelmed by her obvious difference, after being referred to in the collective group as a boy, even after all of this, in the end, the coaches are men. And despite what anyone says, a girl playing hockey, especially on a (as I now know it to be) “boys team” is viewed differently. As a source that prefers to remain anonymous admitted to me, “She has to wow them. She has to stand out beyond most of the boys in order to have a chance”. And you know they probably don’t even know they feel this way. It is just the way it is.
So, despite the smoke and mirrors and despite the fact that it is never called “boys” hockey, perception is reality. And from the moment we arrived, throughout the process, and to the awkward change-in-the-bathroom exit, it was obvious. And to those that think these things are not a big deal I’m here to tell you you are wrong. To a little girl who completely believes she is “one of them” it is catastrophic. To her who aspires to do everything just as her big brother does this is a huge wake-up call. But I guess it would have happened sooner or later. At least now I’m prepared.
To my little girl, I’m sorry. I was wrong. I was naive. It is still a man’s world. Go get ’em, girl!
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Brian Baigrie says
Dear Jen, I have two hockey playing daughters (age 7 and 13). My 13 year old played boys hockey for the first 3 years of her hockey playing life (6 to 9) and then moved to a girls’ hockey league. She now plays Bantam A. My youngest is in her second house league season. She will move to a girls hockey league next season.
We have never encountered any discrimination of any kind from coaches, who invariably make their line-decisions on the basis of perceived skill. We have enountered discrimination from hockey parents on occasion, who are often so competitive that they will use anything (including gender) as a lever. We have encountered negative comments from some boys who do not know any better. So, while I agree with the substance of your observations, I think that the suggestion that girls have to be better than boys to make boys select teams is just silly and an insult to the many coaches who dedicate their time to volunteer activities like hockey.
My advise is to take your daughter out to a girls hockey association. Although gender will be removed from the equation as a source of concern, you will discocer that the parents are just as competitive and that factors other than gender will be used as leverage.
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trish_rodrigues says
Wow – I can sympathize being a former female officer in an infantry unit – I had to perform better than my peers to gain half the recognition. When I was recognized as top sub-altern of my unit – did I receive the slap on the back and congrats from my fellow soldiers? – Nope! I got the proverbial “Who did you sleep with?” (this was said as a joke – more than once – but still….) and it wasn’t just the males of my unit who treated this recognition with derision so did alot of the females.
We have made great inroads towards equality but unfortunately the road is still long. We can only give our daughters the understanding that there is nothing they shouldn’t attempt just because they are a girl.
By the way – my daughter plays AA Pee Wee hockey on an all girls team after a few years of playing rep hockey with boys…quote from her – Girls are more fun!
Jen says
Signed that petition!
Anne Green says
Thought about you today when I heard the word that Mayor Miller is going to be making sure the girls teams get their fair share of ice time. YEAH!
denisebella says
Here are some points to ponder….. it is a man’s world still. Yes women have gone forward in the quest for equal rights but…
1) Salaries for male hockey players versus female hockey players – are they the same? No, the men’s salaries are higher.
2) Wimbleton Tennis – Do female winners earn the same $$ as the men – no.
3) Me, an accountant do I get treated differently because traditionally accounting was a “male dominated” profession – YES! I have to “WOW” the clients or business.
Yes – it is a big deal if the person at the desk ask Mum, what’s your son’s name and mean while you are standing there with your daughter. That is like asking a lesbian, what’s your husband’s name! (Yes I am a lesbian).
Jennifer – I thought it was a fantastic article. I am so happy that you shared the events of the day and your feelings about it.
I am all for challenging the status quo!!! Here’s to your daughter challenging people’s minds!
Jen says
OK. Some people seem to be missing the point of this post. It was not about hockey. I simply used this as an example. Of course nobody should make a team if they don’t deserve a spot. My point was that my little girl (not every girl, just mine) is up against some major barriers and challenges if she continues to feel the desire to push boundaries.
We live in a patriarchal society. This is fact. I am not moaning about it. It is just the way it is. My point was personal – as a mother I feel for her. She doesn’t understand it. She doesn’t know why there are no other girls at these tryouts. As a parent I hadn’t really thought about the impact this would have on her and, honestly, on me. This process was eye opening for me and I thought I would write about this revelation.
That’s it folks. It is not a jab at competitive hockey. My son plays and I would definitely want the process to continue to be fair. It was merely an observation about the world in general and the implications for a girl, my girl, who unknowingly challenges the status quo.
Marianne says
Select hockey is a very competitive environment and it is only the most advanced girl who makes it – not because of a glass ceiling but because the process is to “select” the most advanced players and have them play at a higher level. A girl competing for a spot with the boys needs to be a very, very good skater – not just a girl looking for a spot. If we dilute the process of Select by not only taking the best of the best, we are doing a disservice to those who are the best. If she is an outstanding player, she will get selected. If she is average, she will play in House Leauge with all the other average players – boys and girls. I’m very very happy that the selection process is very strict and based on ability as it makes my son feel he’s playing at the top of his game. I do not want any child there, boy or girl, who is not the best and from all that I know of select hockey, girls tend not to be as good as the boys unless they are outstanding and there are few of those.
That being said, I hope she has a great year and if she really wants to play Select, she either needs to spend the year doing extra skills training to improve or she needs to move to girls and compete on a level playing field.
These comments are directed at Select only as I am not involved in the process for GTHL. I can ony assume that when you are playing GTHL, as a parent, you only want the best on that team.
Jen says
Rosa – I agree that there are many options for girls to play hockey on girls’ teams. I was surprised, however, that a club that positions itself as co-ed in every way is nothing of the kind. You make a great point, there are tons of options for girls to play hockey but with other girls. There is still a great divide when a girl wants to play “regular” hockey.
My lesson here was that MY GIRL will have a challenge. Remember, this was MY lesson. This was an eye-opener for ME as a parent. I am not preaching or woe-is-meing. She is the kind of girl who will want to push boundaries and this process made me realize, despite my hopes that things had changed more, that she was up against more than I realized. I guess I was just hoping things would be easier for my child.
Amreen says
what a strong, talented and brave girl! It is most definitely still a man’s world. I think, as much as things change they stay the same. sometimes, i look at my own choices, made because I’m a mother more than i’m a lawyer, and think how easy men have it. they don’t have ot make the difficult choices because the whole world is streamed to make things easy for them. they just have to follow the path extended to them, where we’re constantly trying to “forge ahead” or “blaze a trail”. it gets tiring.
Rosa says
I don’t believe for a minute that hockey is a male dominant sport. Girls hockey has grown exponentially both in Canada and in U.S.A. over the past ten years. There are thousands of girls registered to play hockey this season in the many girl-hockey leagues around the GTA both at the houseleague level and at the rep level. There are many high schools that offer girl’s hockey. (These girl’s play hockey at the rep level) My 12 year old daughter has been playing hockey at the houseleague level for four years. She has also played on one of their tournament teams for the past two years. Your community club may be male dominated since it is a boy’s league. There are many girl hockey leagues found throughout the GTA.
Annabelle DeGouveia says
Popular sports are all about men. NHL, NBA, NFL…what else?
In a house of boys with four sons and growing up with four older brothers, it has always bothered me that really it is only men we watch when it comes to pro sports. Sure the Olympics remind us that women excell in sport, or if you are lucky at some weird time on a Sunday you might find women’s sport of some kind on tv, but it is a rare thing. In my house, I am the sportier adult… I run marathons, play in a squash league, go to boot camp. My hubby, due to injuries etc, runs only occasionally. BUT, when my boys think of sports they refer to daddy. When my babies would look at a picture book with RUNNING SHOES on the page, they would babble…”Daddy’s shoes”. I would always laugh at that. Maybe it is because I exercise in the early morning before they even wake up and his runs usually occur during dinner prep!!! Anyway, long and short of it, sports is so male dominated it hurts. I think your daughter is lucky that you are so aware of this and ready to support her and her disappointment.
malgray says
Your daughter is so strong and brave (mentally and physically) to even get out there and try out for the team!!!! It showed her confidence in herself and her belief in her abilities. Knowing your daughter, I think she will forever be pushing the limits, challenging the system and making people stop and think “why not” or “huh, I guess she can do that?” I love her influence on my kids and she makes me think about the stereotypes that I felt as a girl growing up….the ones I don’t want to pass onto my children.
As a note going forward….at least now you can say to her “it might be just like that time when you tried out for the boys’ hockey team…” and she will have a frame of reference. I hope she will always say “that was nothing, I can handle it mom” and never even think of doubting herself. She will be causing big changes the “Man’s World” …. I’m sure of it!!!!
Jen says
Laura – I’m not blaming the club. I’m not angry at anyone and I agree that things have changed, mostly for the better. But having been through this exact same process with my son, no matter how you slice it, it is different. SHE is different and she feels it. And it puts her at a disadvantage. It is simply fact.
The great thing is, it doesn’t stop her. This is the way the world works and she will be fully prepared to take it on. I am extremely proud of her for going out there, the only girl in a sea boys. But it did show me what she’s up against and that makes me sad. Just call a spade a spade. This is boys hockey, the corporate world is still a boys club. Just because we say otherwise does not make it so. That was the lesson I learned.
Btw, I would never let on to her how I feel. Why would I do that? This is a lesson for me but one she will obviously learn on her own over time. Of course I will always support her in whatever she decides to take on whether it be traditionally “girl” or “boy”.
Laura says
I hardly see this as proof that it’s a ‘man’s world’. It does show that hockey is a sport that is male dominant. It’s not the fault of the organization, it’s that not many girls play hockey! If there are only 4 girls on 7 teams, it seems a bit silly that there would be designated girls only dressing rooms. For what…the one girl on a team? If privacy is an issue, dress her at home (as I do with my hockey boy) or use the stall in the bathroom. As for the coaches, I’m sure the club would be happy to have women, but how many 30-something moms grew up playing hockey and want to coach? Not many, I would think. So they asked for your “son’s” name…what’s the big deal? Just proudly say “My daughter’s name is ….”
She’s going to have a great season, and a lot of fun doing it. Don’t let her know of your disappointment with the club. Likely she will hardly notice. I really don’t think it’s something you have to feel bad about.
Kath…a TON has changed since you wanted to play hockey in the 70s. Girls are welcome on all kids teams, and if there are enough enrolled, there are girls teams and leagues in every city. I would say that is a far cry from when you grew up and could not play.
JackiYo says
I unexpectedly welled up when I read, “She has to wow them. She has to stand out beyond most of the boys in order to have a chance”.
I hope my daughter will be able to do whatever it is she chooses to do and not have to “shine” just to be equal…
And Natalie, I SO agree about the corporate world. It’s amazing how people see THE EXACT SAME BEHAVIOURS so differently in men and women!!
Kath says
It’s a tough realization to make that the glass ceiling is literally EVERYWHERE, but it is. I’m sorry your girl had to go through it at such a young age. In many ways, not much has changed since I wanted to play hockey in the 70s, and they wouldn’t allow me to join the boys’ league, and sadly there was no girls’ league. On the other hand, people celebrate all the boys in my daughters’ dance studio, and they have separate dressing rooms and such a big fuss is made over them. Which I’m not saying is bad or wrong, just wishing it was tit-for-tat when it’s a girl breaking down the boundaries the other way.
*SIGH*
Natalie / YMCbuzz says
The story reminded me of how I felt in the business world – “We are an equal-opportunity employer” on the billboard proudly advertising company “values”, and yet it was abundantly clear in the day-to-day operations that women had to surpass in talent, yet cutely tee-hee-hee and not dare come off as opinionated or aggressive in the boardroom.
I hope your daughter’s foray into hockey isn’t a foreshadowing of what her professional life has in store for her. Better yet, based on how determined and competitive you say your daughter is, hopefully this experience will create a feisty little catalyst for change in this man’s world!
Therese says
I never realized how lucky we are at our local arena. My son is a second year PeeWee (ages 11&12) and there are 7 girls (out of about 90 players) in PeeWee. 2 of them are on his team, and have been for the last few years. They have a separate dressing room (but up until age 10, they all changed together, keeping their boxers on, and no one cared). There is girls hockey close by, but at this level, the number of girls is small and the range of ability very wide, so most girls choose to play on the ‘regular’ teams until Bantam (at which time some of the boys are HUGE, and most girls would rather not get into the corners with them). My older son plays Midget (ages 15-17) and they are all wary of the team with the girl in net – she’s one of the best goaltenders in the division. Not bad for Cowtown, in the heart of Redneck Alberta 🙂