I suppose the phases in a child’s development just ebb and flow like the tides. Sometimes it’s easy going… sometimes it’s just not. I’m in a bit of a hard phase with Madame these days.
She is exactly three-and-a-half years old and she’s making me mental inside my head, holy crap. The child won’t listen. I mean, she hears me perfectly well of course, but she will not heed. I know this is normal for kids – especially for kids her age.
The trouble is when her impetuous behaviour gets dangerous. Like jumping into swimming pools without me (and without floaties on) or running into the street without looking first. Or into console tables with sharp corners, though I told her one bajillion times to stop running in the house. (Happy to report no stitches were required – only glue…)
The other day I sauntered from the kitchen, down the hall, where I noticed our front door wide open. Stunned, I asked Oliver where his sister was, and he looked up from his video game, stammering, “Um… what? Wh-why do you ask?!”
“Your sister. WHERE IS SHE??!”
Before his shoulders could lower from shrugging, I was down the stairs, my eyes searching the park at the end of our street. I see other kids and yell, “Ava Scarlett?!” but they shake their heads and say she’s not with them.
Heart. In. Stomach.
Then one kid says, “I think she might be in my house…” and as I look up the street and see her house door wide open, I run right over… I hear her little voice talking to my neighbour, and I was immediately awashed with relief. That is, until anger took it’s place.
I took the child by the wrist and marched her home, trying to remain as calm as possible while I explained (again) that a) she is not allowed outside without a grown-up, and 2) she must never, ever leave the house without saying something. And indeed, she must ask me first.
She flew into a rage, of course, and I put her in time-out in her room for a short time. When I came back, she was all cried-out, wrung-out, and fast asleep.
To make a long story short (but not really) later when daddy came home, and we reiterated the rules and whatnot, he said he’d take her to the park. But the phone rang… and about three minutes later, I found the front door wide open again, and my child out in the park by herself.
It’s a good thing (for her) that daddy was home… to save her from the Wrath of Mummy. (Twice! In one day!! Can you imagine?!)
They push. And they push. And they push. And it’s exhausting. (Especially in this heat.) But it’s sometimes just what small people need to do, in order to know where the boundaries are. They are firmly in the place they were yesterday, kid. Please trust me.
She’s a cute, clever little thing. People are often charmed by her. They let her have things without saying “thank you” because they have limited expectations of small children, which drives me crazy because I keep telling her she must ALWAYS say please and thank you, or else she won’t get what she wants – that it’s not the way the world works… but clearly, that’s not the case for her. She gets just about everything she wants doing exactly as she pleases. Ack. It’s maddening. And wrong.
Yesterday we planned to go to the pool after camp, since it’s positively melting outside. This child likes to dart around in parking lots. (Not safe!) She likes to jump out of the stroller while I’m busy pushing it. (Please don’t!) She likes to skip ahead on foot well over half a block away from me. (Oh my god!)
So, since I’m cracking down on the discipline EXTRA hard these days, I know I have to point out the pitfalls for her before things go wrong. I small it down for her:
“Ava Scarlett? You need to stay close to me while we’re together waiting for Oliver’s school bus. No fooling around. If you can’t behave yourself, we will not go to the pool today. WILL. NOT. I’m not going to tell you over and over again – we’ll go straight home. No pool. Understand?”
“Yes, mummy.”
Naturally, she acts a fool in about fifteen different ways within the next four minutes (testing, testing…) so I shut it all down, strap her into the stroller, and inform her that we’re not swimming today. Which was a real shame since my blood-pressure was incinerating my internal organs with my rise in body temperature. I wanted to swim soooo badly, but if you don’t follow through on threats, you might as well hand over the keys to the bus, right? My own good time (and Oliver’s!) had to be sacrificed to rally against a lifetime of possible asshattery from the small child. I won’t stand for it.
As she wailed and shrieked in the stroller, furious that I’d strapped her in (I usually never do) and berserk that we’re not going swimming, I just explained why not, again, and let her cry while I turned my back.
Too bad. So sad.
I got some sympathetic glances from other parents at the pool… everyone’s had a child melt down in public. Someone said, “I have some cherries… would she like that?” I said, “She would like that, but she’s in time-out at the moment. Thanks anyway.”
It sucks to be hardcore – sometimes it ruins plans for everyone – but I think it’s necessary. Any other way is just unacceptable. I know she’ll go back to being her sweeter self again soon… it’s just a thing she’s doing right now. The pointy horns will subside shortly. It will stop. I know it will.
But she needs to know the buck stops here – no exceptions, goddammit. (And in the mean time, please pass the wine… oy.)
So, are you hardcore?
I don’t think I would call myself hardcore, nor am I a marshmallow. I think I am a backbone parent, to quote “Barbara Colorosso”. One of my favourite books is Alfie Kohn’s “Unconditional Parenting”. He is very much about NOT using punishments and rewards. He contends that they only work in the short term (if that!) and that it’s better to discuss and relate (I know how that sounds but if you read the book it’s clearer). I wrote a post about it. http://www.urbanmoms.ca/multiple_musings/2010/11/unconditional-parenting-punished-by-rewards.html I try very hard not to use punishments & rewards. For example, I don’t give time outs at all. I will remove my child from a situation, but I don’t leave her alone, usually. I think they are trying to express their needs in some way to me. I do revert to using them when I’m frustrated and don’t know what to do.
I’m not saying that one way is better than another, just that this is my way and since we’re sharing, I though I’d throw my two cents out there.
In your situation, with the running, I’m not sure what I would do. We put a hook & eye lock on our screen door so they couldn’t open it. Maybe an up high lock? Maybe she needs one of those backbacks with a leash for the parking lots. I used them at the airport and I still had a runner! Both my girls outgrew the running stage on their own. They developed a healthy fear of cars on their own. Maybe it’s developmental? Or maybe not.
As always it comes down to doing what’s best and what works for your family.
If I had my own plane I’d be over for some wine!
Thanks for the link, Sky – I’ll have a look!
And thanks for reading… 🙂
I hate worrying about other people’s thoughts about me and my parenting styles too (among other things) but at the end of the day, it’s YOU who has to live with your small person, and if you don’t want to raise an a-hole, then you have to put your foot down a lot of the time, especially when they’re small, I reckon. Le sigh.
I heart you, Sara. Thanks for the support, sistah.
love this post. your take on this is outstanding. i’m often alone in my hardcare parenting…but I see these brilliant little buds of personality, manners and witt and all I can think is…it.is.worth.it! People think Im tough on my kids, but we live in the city, with no family around and if I ever want to enjoy that city- we will have to leave the apartment and I must have my kids be safe and happy and alive…therefore…we major on following through. thanks for sharing your insight and story…everyone needs to know that it’s OK to parent…it’s what we are here to do for our little loves. and in the end…they will be better for it. i especially like the part about the cherries…i’m sure she would have loved them, but she was in time out…soooo true. Oh Ava…do have a friend for you…meet my William!
Hi Tracey,
Those days are gone, daddy gone…
Steve and I can’t even enjoy a drink together anymore when we go out because one of us has to be straight enough to drive in an emergency.
Facebook email me if you want the name of the South Americal root. Nothing that exciting, just the health store variety. It’s a bit tricky to find but some health food stores can source it.
BTW, I am updating my little green being blog with info about a list app that I think would be right up your alley for list control and management. Zenbe.
It’s awesome and saves me from losing quite all my marbles at the grocery store or Home Depot when I can’t find my list in my purse and the kids are diving into seas of trouble.
(I might be mis-assuming you are an iphone user but if you are, this app will bring some real happy to your day with its synch capability and list sharing over the air.)
i.
And when they catch a whiff of that marshmallow parenting, they only want it more, don’t they? Ack. Sometimes I don’t even want them playing with other children… those couple of hours away from home have a way of turning into DAYS of undoing by mean ol’ mum. Grrrrr…
Thanks for commenting, Idas. I love it when you do. 🙂
PS – that herb you speak of? Go ahead, Rasta… (Just kidding!!!)
Did you know what 4 was the new 3? Holy moses, our dahling Coco has totally regressed to not being able to amuse or play by herself, decide at bad and horrid times that NO is her favourite MO. Ugh. And being on year 5.5 of full-stay at home muddah, I am hanging from a very thin thread.
Why is this happening? MUST to read myself to bed tonight with Alyson Schafer “Honey I Wrecked the Kids”. I really need the sanity check and to see how I am making things worse.
I have started taking an herb for my nerves because I am getting really stressed out and drinking mid-afternoon would just not do. The herb is really helping take the edge off thank heavens.
I am a disciplined parent and it is exhausting, and I have a really hard time keeping calm. And when she comes away from some playdates with some new tricks up her sleeve, it’s just too much to handle with any form of grace.
We need a village of mama’s who discipline and hang out together. So we can share the tough love. It would make all the difference when kids see other moms holding the same standards for important situations. It’s really hard when your children get a whiff of some marshmallow parenting…
I.
Three words: Love and Logic 🙂 Being hardcore is totally necessary but the way it’s done and how instructions are “framed” and discipline happens makes all the difference to how a child feels and reacts to it! She is obviously an intelligent, spirited and independent child so if you make her believe that she is in charge and has the freedom while the only options given to her are within the limits of the behavior you desire then you BOTH WIN! Anyway that was more than three words (hehe sorry!) but here’s the link for the great resources:
http://www.loveandlogic.com/ecom/c-79-featured-selections.aspx
P.S. I have no connection to that company but love the principles they teach. Genius:)
I love this post and god it’s timely. I’m very hardcore. I agree 900% with what you did with Ava Scarlett. How scary the running out…ahhh so scary. I’m hate that I worry about other people thinking I’m too hardcore…I hate that I care but not everyone is these days. and I know that I judge people who don’t discipline…
and yes the hearing issue – there are serious toddler hearing issues aren’t there?? UGHHHHHHH
I still don’t get how they can look at us with that face that’s all, “Wot?!” when we’re crazy-furious with them for the very thing we’ve been warning them about all day long… it’s like they’re deaf or something. Sheesh!
And you’ve got it EIGHT times over… holy smokes, lady. I bow to you!!
It really can drain the life out of you, can’t it? Lord. I’m exhausted.
But? We went to the pool the next day… and she knew without a doubt I would turn around and go home. Hell, I’d pull her out of the pool and exit immediately if I had to! But I’m loathe to do it… this job totally sucks sometimes. Le sigh.
Thanks for your words, Racheal!
Well have that wine together one day, Aileen… yes. And thank you!
You know it, girl… it’s the only way. xox
Ah, sistah… I’ve seen the effects of parents who don’t say “no” too – and spoiled children make me insane.
I feel so supported by you… thanks!!
Hayley, your idea of having a babysitter is a good one, only Madame would be only too happy to have some other person to have to herself, to play with, like putty. It would be “sporting” for her. (Anyway, we were waiting right outside the pool for my other kid, and it was all just too late…) I think the added pressure of the other sibling being disappointed helps the cause – at least, in my case. She HATES it when her brother is cross with her. That helps me.
Wait. Maybe I should just get Oliver to do the disciplining… I might be onto something…
Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments, lady. It’s rather nice to know I’m not alone here. 🙂
Larita, you awesome, pregnant sistah… it really is so much work, isn’t it? But when I think of the alternative, I really can’t afford to be any other way. But it’s not easy to be hardcore. You’re doing right by your little guy too… thanks for the kudos, lady. (And good luck! You’re close to delivery, right?!)
First of all Good for you with following through – it is so hard sometimes. Being hardcore (I love that!:) isn’t easy but it is a necessity. I can totally empathize as my 4 year old son Ryley thinks he is King of the street and can enjoys leaving the house when he feels like it! crazzzzy! Scares the hell out of me almost everyday because he goes off.! Then he doesn’t get it when I am so furious:) Keep it up though because it will pay off later.
I can soooo relate to this post. These are the times being a parent really suck. Because you want to be the fun, happy person, but instead you have to be the disciplinarian, which can drain the life out of you.
But hang in there. Just as you say, she’s testing the boundaries, and though it feels like you’re being pushed to the edge, you’re helping crate a strong base for her.
Now excuse me while my son charms me into giving him another chocolate… seriously though, I’ve had to strip my kids rooms down, cancel playdates, skip deserts; but in the end you have to stay strong.
You are a GREAT mum. It is so hard to be consistent and to follow through and to allow another child to miss out (that’s always hardest for me and they know it, dammit!). Like others have said, you see the consequences when you don’t. No one wants to be the mother of *that* child. Stay strong sistah! You are turning out fine human beings and will be rewarded later. You have inspired me to yell, sigh, and stomp less and follow through more. And also to have a glass of wine… 🙂
Oh, yes. My Number One Son turned three in June, and we are so there with you, lady. I know he has to push, just like his sister did. And sooner or later he’ll figure out that I have to stand firm. Because if I don’t do what I say I’m going to do – all the time, no matter what – then how will he learn what trust is? Hang in there, sista! I’m taking odds that it will all be worth it in the long run!
we must be sisters from different misters. i’m pretty hardcore myself and sometimes i feel really guilty about it. however, i have just seen what it’s like to not be hardcore (on a recent vacation) and, believe me, we are doing it correctly! it’s much easier later in life when they know the rules and they will be followed darnnit!
i’ve seen all too often what happens when parents don’t believe in the word “no”. no is a real word and it’s used often in real life. when i use it, though, i do explain why as i feel that’s important. and sometimes my reason is, “i don’t feel like it right now” but sometimes, we all feel like that!
i’ll pour a glass with you…fist bump!
I empathize and agree with every word! You have to be tough, and follow through or they will never believe you will do what you say! My only suggestion would be a babysitter that you could call when you must follow through on something you and Oliver would like to still do. Not only would Ava Scarlett miss out, but she would see that Oliver didn’t need to miss out because he was using his listening ears. It’s like a double whammy!
Good luck and keep strong!!
Hayley
You. Are. Awesome.
There are not a lot of parents who are “hardcore” in disciplining their child (and a lot who just don’t discipline at all, ugh!), and the few who are wouldn’t admit to it publicly. I think you’re my new hero. My son is 15 months and we’re getting into the “push, push, push” stage. And yes, I’m having to get hardcore with the discipline. I hate feeling like I tell him “no” ALL THE TIME, I hate slapping his fingers, I hate putting him in time-outs and having him cry like his heart’s been broken. But I keep reminding myself that if I don’t deal with it now consistently, it’s going to be oh-so-much worse in a few months, a few years, a decade from now. I’m also 8 months pregnant, and quite honestly don’t FEEL like hauling my fat self out of my chair to follow up on my “don’t touch” for the 567th time. But looking at the children around me whose mothers didn’t follow up on that “don’t touch” keeps motivating me to do it anyway.
Also, I love the way you responded, “She would like that, but she’s in time-out at the moment. Thanks anyway.” Wimping out on the discipline in public is something I’m so guilty of, afraid others will think I’m a lousy parent. Thanks for inspiring me to be better.
So, all that rambling to say, no, you’re not alone. And huge kudos to you for being a parent who cares enough about their child to be hardcore on the discipline. She WILL appreciate it SO MUCH in the future and have a much happier life for it.
P.S. Your daughter looks ridiculously like my son, especially her face in that picture. I’m terrified 😀