A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, I was a young mother with a four-month old daughter. I religiously attended La Leche League meetings and co-founded a natural parents group at the local complementary health centre.
I breastfed. On demand and in public. Proudly. Ostentatiously, even. I breastfed in an "I dare you to come here and ask me to stop" kind of way. I never was asked to stop (or even glanced at askance, really), but I think I would have liked it; the chance to vindicate my choice to feed my precious baby in the best and most natural way.
I was so pro-breastfeeding that I became anti-bottlefeeding. I branded my online persona proudly as a member of the militant breastfeeding cult. I was self-righteous in my own saintly virtue as a breastfeeder and vicious in my judgment of women feeding their babies with bottles. Even if those bottles contained expressed breastmilk I still felt they were feeding their babies wrong.
And then after only six short months at home with my baby, I had to go back to work. And I came face-to-face with the kind of judgment I had so willingly heaped on other women. I realized that a lot of women felt they were better mothers than I was simply because they stayed home with their children. Simply because they had made a different parenting decision. When I complained about it at my natural parents group, a friend remarked on how sad it was how mothers — women — judge each other so very harshly.
Years have passed since that day and both my kids are weaned, and although I did breastfeed a lot longer than most women, I also stopped sooner than many. And I've faced a lot of much tougher parenting choices in the last eight years than how to feed my baby. And I've come to accept that although everyone knows breastmilk is — quite simply — the perfect food for babies, not every woman is willing or able to breastfeed her baby exclusively or at all or for very long. And those realities, those choices, don't make them worse mothers. I mean, heck…I let my 5-week old baby sleep on her stomach (in my bed, no less) as this picture proves:
And lately I've been thinking a lot about how we women judge each other. Maybe we judge each other about really big things like breastfeeding vs. bottlefeeding, or like working vs. staying at home, and maybe we judge each other about more trivial things like letting our kids watch YouTube or putting treats in our kids' school lunches. But one thing is certain: women judge women. And we often judge each other very, very harshly.
We judge each other's wardrobes, hair and makeup (or lack thereof). We judge each other's spouses, children and homes. We judge each other's choice of books, for goodness sake! Come on, don't deny it! I've hidden my Maeve Binchy and laid out the latest Atwood when having the other moms over for coffee, and I've laughed behind my hand at another woman's recommendation of the latest Jackie Collins read. We all do it.
I don't know why – honestly I can't fathom it. But I'll tell you what: I'm sick of it. And I, for one, vow to stop judging other mothers. I mean, as if it wasn't already the hardest job going without having to face a host of silent critics all the time.
So my challenge to you is this: next time you see or hear someting you disapprove of in another mother, just say this to yourself: "it's a hard, hard job, and none of us are perfect." We're all just stumbling along in the dark, after all, trying to do our best. So let's agree to reach out in support of one another.
Mothers unite!
Thank you, for this post. I breastfed in public – I had difficulty in expressing milk so I had no choice. I found the people that judged me the most were elderly women who in all probability was breastfed as formula wasn’t quite as well known back when they were babies.
My daughter weaned herself at 11 months and would not sleep on her back not even in her stroller. I was worried about this but talked to her pediatrician and she said as long as I checked on her it’d be ok. And she’s been sharing my bed with me ever since she was born…. still refuses to sleep in her own bed she’s now 20 months old. I went to the baby show and my daughter was fussing she wanted to nap but would not sleep. She was about 8 months then. So I rolled her over and she went straight to sleep. Almost ever mom and dad there stared at her then at me and then shook their heads. I even heard one mom say “I guess she doesn’t care about SIDS”.
So thank you.
Don’t feel alone about being judged for working. I am rather severely judged for staying home, and (mostly!) enjoying it. I made this decision because I felt it was the right solution for me and me alone (not my place to make that decision for anyone else!!). I have lost nearly all of my “friends” because of this, talk about feeling lonely. I guess it is not an appropriate choice for a “modern woman” to make in an urban setting – to leave a successful and profitable career to be poor (one income!) and stay at home with my kids. There MUST be something wrong with me.
I wish this type of judgement would stop all around, but sadly I think it is too difficult for most of us to be this honest with ourselves, nevermind the rest of the world. It just makes me appreciate my wonderful and irreplaceable husband even more because he would never judge me for doing what I think is right!
What a cute baby! I have 3 children and I admit that all 3 slept on their tummies too. I just could not get them to sleep on their backs. They would just start choking. I think mothers will always be judged whether or not they breastfeed, how they put their children to sleep, how long they breastfeed, if they work or don’t work and so on.
thank you.
thank you.
there’s far too much judging going on. FAR TOO MUCH. i’m constantly being judged. for working. GASP! yes. i work. and yes, i enjoy it.
Hallelujah and AMEN!
BTW… After months of trying to get my son to sleep on his side I was so sleep deprived that I finally gave up and put him on his stomach. He slept like an angel for 5 hours straight! After that I just gave in and let him sleep on his tummy. I figured it was safer for him to have a saner mommy.
Can you please read this from the mountain tops so all can hear? A girlfriend and I were just discussing this exact same thing. Do we judge other mothers so our own feelings of inadequacy and frustration will be justified to our own selves?? When we as women and mothers are actually honest with each other, we are all surprised at how much alike we all are.
Thank you for writing and posting this.
Great post Kath! I find as my kids get older people judge their behaviour as a direct reflection of my ability to parent (and yes, ME, not my hubby). The crazy thing is my kids could not be more different! They are individuals and although I can guide them, ultimately they make their own choices. I try very hard not to judge moms because, like you, I have felt the sting of it myself. I also try and separate myself from my children’s choices because just as they deserve credit for the wonderful things they do they also need to own and take responsibility for the not so wonderful things.