It was a good day. Sunny and warm. Birds chirping, tulips blooming. The Baby and I had had a fun morning walk on the Danforth; we played at Withrow park, shopped for vegetables at the open market, and enjoyed the charm of our colourful neighbourhood on a luscious spring day.
3:45 arrived and, with high spirits, the Baby and I eagerly ran to the bus stop to collect the Boy and Girl. I was excited to see them – after a school day away from them, I miss their smells, noise and warmth. This is usually my favourite time of day.
But not this day. The Boy got off the bus red-faced and sweaty. He ran up to me and started to yell, “Why does [the Girl] have more playdates than me? You always do stuff for her. Never for me. It’s not fair. You’re not fair. ” Crying and yelling, he continued to list off the many ways in which his sister was favoured. Obviously, some conversation had taken place on the bus of which I was unaware.
The other parents were staring, and I was so embarassed. How could he talk to me this way? How could he humiliate me in front of my peers? Tears welled up in my eyes, and a deep, burning pain swirled inside of me. The resentment that usually lurks quietly within began to seep to the surface – as much as I didn’t want it to.
Outwardly, I was paralysed with anger and hurt, but inside I was screaming: “THIS IS WHY I GAVE UP MY CAREER? MY INDEPENDENCE? MY OWN ACTIVE, THRIVING, PROFESSIONAL AND PERSONAL LIFE??”
For this. So I could be screamed at. At a bus stop.
I quelled my inner raging monster and we went home. I talked to the Boy about why he was feeling so unfairly treated, and asked the Girl what went on on the Bus to cause such fury. The episode sorted itself out. But I was not okay. I was shaken, disturbed.
The tremors of that day linger. Is this the right choice for me? Am I the kind of person who should be at home? I thought I was, but now I’m having doubts. I don’t want to end up resentful and angry. I don’t want to blame anyone else for the decisions, I made unilaterally about my own life. I’m hurting because, yes, I do have expectations in return for the decision I made to be at home. I want respect, courtesy, some scant indication of appreciation.
The Boy is 7. I know that it was nothing but an angry outburst, and he’s long forgotten it. But, that doesn’t change the impact.
Wow. thanks for the amazing comments to this post. It was very therapeutic to write this post, and hearing your feedback makes it all the more so. I appreciate the perspective of moms working at home, and away from home. Sometimes it feels like i’m in this giant bubble and everything in that bubble is so intense and magnified. I’ve also realised that my kids get more explosive when they’re overtired. We may have to tone down the activities and playdates for a while so that we’re all more rested and able to cope better. As always, thanks for reading and sharing your brilliant, witty and always-thoughtful insights – it’s appreciated more than you know.
Amreen, been there, a million times now. Hate the moment, but love knowing that because I’m there I know what’s going on a little faster than otherwise. Makes me feel a little more in control and able to help the kids as issues arise.
But, still hate being chewed up. I’m with you on that!
What great comments from the other moms here. All very important things to bear in mind as we suffer those moments of frustration or anger or resentment with our children. We’re human, too. We are allowed to feel these things and you shouldn’t feel badly about how you feel in those moments. But it’s how we act that will help our children become respectable, positive and fulfilled adults. I mean, thats the job we’re supposed to do, right? We’re helping them find their way into adulthood and become a meaningful part of society.
Of course, all that big picture stuff doesn’t mean much when you are feeling the sting of hateful words or disobedience (which I also get often) in public settings.
I think one of the most important things a mother has to do, SAHM or WAHM or any other variation, is have a thick skin. I think being a mother is the most difficult job in the world. And the most rewarding.
And you’re a great mom, Amreen.
I work full time and this does not deter my kids from barraging me with hateful words, though it does give me respite (isn’t that sad?). This is a very narcissistic time in their lives and we simply aren’t able to satisfy their ego-centric worlds. I take great comfort in the concept of the “good enough” mother. Albeit, sometimes my evil side wants to cry histrionically in front of them, blame them for my dwindling sanity and threaten to leave. But I refrain, and then later I get a heartwarming hug or kiss that melts me and makes everything else fade. The other great comfort is knowing they may some day have their own children who won’t appreciate them, at least for a little while. Ah, the circle of life.
I work from a home office and sometimes I am amazed at how little my kids appreciate and respect what I do for them! Rarely do I need them to be quiet while I am on the phone but the occasions that I do are often when there is a total meltdown right outside my door. I get a lot of “you’re always working!”. And when I get frustrated and threaten (yes, threaten) to get a job outside my home office or an office outside the home they don’t seem to understand how much it would impact their lives and how little I would be around.
But, the one thing that keeps me sane at times like this is that my mom worked and I had ZERO appreciation for the balancing act (pun intended) she performed every day. How many times must she have bitten her tongue when we selfishly complained? I am glad my children innocently believe that the world revolves around them. It won’t last very long!
One thing I do know about myself, I could not be a full time stay at home mom. Hats off to you. It is a job I would suck at!
I think stay at home or not stay at home, you’ll still deal with people who don’t respect or appreciate you…trust me…and you won’t get to spend days with the baby at the park and veggie shopping…:)
I am with you. We all feel your pain. Sometimes you just want to throw on some completely non-mom looking outfit and go out to work again. It will be exactly nine years tomorrow since I left my job and I am lately feeling like I wasted my training, like I am “just” a mom and like I have nothing to offer. I know it is a funk and I will get out of it because it is still my decision to be home for at least a couple more years…. The best advice I was given is that NO ONE loves their jobs EVERY day. Even mothers. Allow yourself those days where you just feel like walking away. It makes it so much easier then to embrace those days where you know you are exactly where you are supposed to be.
I know exactly what you mean…I think that what you have to remember is this you aren’t going to get the respect and appreciation that you want from the kids while they are still young. When they are older and have a better understanding of what you did for them, it will be different. For me, I sometimes feel the same even though I am a full-time teacher – I expect a bunch of eight year olds to appreciate the work I put in to every lesson, every project I mark, every injury they receive, and I have to remind myself that I am not in this for the admiration, I’m in it for the fulfillment, just as with motherhood. Good luck!