Because there weren’t enough ways to feel completely inferior as a parent, someone had to go and invent the Elf on the Shelf.
I already fail at Halloween, apparently, because I don’t turn my house into the set of a horror movie for the entire month of October. And now, thanks to some overzealously nostalgic Georgia housewife and her elf-enabling adult daughter, I have to stay up late not just on Christmas Eve, but EVERY FREAKING NIGHT FOR A MONTH just to move this damn elf around.
Because god forbid I should forget.
My youngest is still a believer in Santa and all things Elf, but at ten I can’t see that lasting much past this season (I can hope, right?), so the pressure is really on. She’s old enough to remember to search out that little red bugger every morning, and wise enough not to fall for the “oh he just really likes that spot, honey, so he came back again today” line. So the elf has to move. And he has to move daily.
Did I mention that I still have to GO TO WORK EVERY DAY? And that staying up late and/or waking up extra early to give the elf a boot to a different perch isn’t exactly my idea of a fun time. And then there’s the fact that this little bugger, having been made on the cheap in China, isn’t actually posable in any meaningful way, and pretty much falls off of any actual shelf I try to place him on. As a result, my elf has been found stuffed inside vases or wedged into drawer-pulls. He’s fond of the recumbent position, because even if I do manage to wrangle him into a seated position, the slightest eddy of air will topple him over (and everyone knows you can’t touch the elf to right him because then HE WILL LOSE HIS MAGIC GLITTER DUST. *clutches pearls*)
But that’s just the most basic and sucky elf-arranging. If you really want to excel at the Elf on the Shelf (and if you actually do, I urge you to reconsider your priorities) you need to get really creative and go all MacGyver on that sucker. Here are some pictures of the ridiculousness that you too can achieve with an Elf, a glue gun, glitter, marshmallows, cotton balls, Barbies, cheerios, magnets, glitter and WAY TOO MUCH TIME:
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- The ever-popular cotton ball bath.
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- Oh look! The elf knows how to spell! (He also evidently enjoys a good strong cobra pose while playing board games.)
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- I always wondered how he got that smooth porcelain complexion.
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- Sweet. Literally.
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- “Mom look! The elf made a snow angel!” (And now you can’t clean that floury mess off the counter ALL DAY. Because you can’t touch the elf.)
Of course there are also plenty of silly, edgy and even a few downright pornographic elf photos out there for your viewing pleasure:
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- You just KNOW the elf knows the exact street value of every one of those oxycontin tabs…
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- Umm…that just happened.
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- Haaaaave you met Barney?
Personally, I like this elf:
In a freaky way, he kind of reminds me of Buddy (Will Ferrell) for whom our own Elf of the Shelf is named.
But the Christmas book that I want this year is this:
It’s “the unauthorized (and hilarious) tale of one disgruntled little helper with a gift for making mischief.” Sounds like my kinda elf. Here’s a picture of Horace, looking about how I felt after last year’s Christmas party:
Just pour him into a taxi and send him home…
Here’s to a month full of fresh #elfontheshelffails. Break out the egg nog, it’s elf season!
FYI – the guy on the shelf that looks like Will Ferrel is my dad. I posted it years ago and people keep using it as memes – thanks for helping him to become a meme 🙂
You made my day! I am so not into this Elf on Shelf – my husband and I work full time and kids are in so many activities it’s so hard – thanks for the ideas! We broke down and bought our ten year old one because it’s #1 on her list and it’s probably her last year of true believing.
A friend is completely into this and her mom has the time and comes up with amazeball ideas fir this stupid elf and I must admit our elf is going to be a bit lame… thanks for sharing, you made me feel a little less of a failure.
Absolutely. I have enough guilt as it is.
Our elf, Jimmy, was never recovered from the boxes after our renovation. Phewf! The pressure’s off.
Ahh…not fair! You guys were the ones who introduced my kids to the child-crack that is the Elf of the Shelf. Jimmy must come back!
Thanks for this! I purchased an Elf for my son last year (he was 3) and kept forgetting about the darn thing and when I did I couldn’t think of anything clever to do with him. We even forgot to bring him on our trip to my parents so no Elf for the last few days before Christmas. Luckily he didn’t really get the whole concept.
I don’t know WHY I wanted so badly to have this for him, lol. I think I got lured in by all the cute, crafty, creative things people did with him forgetting that I myself was NOT crafty or creative or just much more interested in parking myself on the couch to watch whatever PVR’d episode we needed to catch up on. It could have also been that ‘Elf Gone Bad” series too, thinking we’d do naughty things with him and take funny pictures before we made him appear somewhere magical with something cute for the kid lol.
I’m thinking I might just leave the thing packed away but surely our much older daughter will make sure it’s out and about. Here is to another year of him being stuck in one place forever lol.
Bad Elf Parents UNITE! Ha!
I hear you Cher! I got sucked in by the idea of the Elf a number of years ago, and we had similar elves when I was growing up so it was sort of nostalgic. Mind you: our elves were decidedly non-magical and were just for decoration. I regularly forget to be the tooth fairy, so I don’t know WHAT possessed me to agree to getting an elf.
Also: when I first got it, the concept was just that the Elf was found in a different spot every morning. That in itself wasn’t too bad (unless, like me, you have a bad memory). It’s really been the last two years, since the pinteresters have gotten on the Elf bandwagon, that I’ve come to truly hate the Elf.
I’m not into it… my shelves will remain elf-free again this year!!
Stay strong, elf-free lady!
I find this unbelievably unfair. I love the Elf on the shelf and so do ALL four of my children. I think it is a fun thing to do. And you can pose him, if you just take two minutes and shove some wires into his arms and legs. I think it is a great tradition, and makes beautiful memories. My girls still talk about what Junior, our elf, did last year. And our Elf brings crafts for the girls to do, sometimes treats, and sometimes a little taste of North Pole magic. I think it is fun, and a beautiful thing to do. If you do not like it, don’t do it. No one is forcing you to have an Elf. And it sure isn’t fair, to rain on everyone else’s parade, make me feel bad because I do it for my kids.
MissClaus, good for you that you and your family enjoy it. I’m just expressing my opinion here and didn’t intend to make anyone else feel bad for going all out with the Elf on the Shelf.
Personally, I feel a lot of pressure to be “all that” as a mother, and the Elf is just one more thing…
i like the “big” elf…now, if i can find one in fireman flavour…
LOL! Now *that* is a great idea Julie. We can make millions on Fireman on a Shelf calendars!
You have made my day!! The picture of the elf with the prescription is hilarious to me…I take several medications for Depression/Anxiety…this one is just so funny to me. You have brightened up my morning immensely!! Thank you!!
Glad I could bring a smile to your face Teresa! Yeah, that one really made me chuckle too.
My Mum started to put a bell on the Christmas Tree for my daughter when she still believed in ‘magic’. Only she could hear the bell that Santa left every year. When she was in grade 3 she hid the bell in her pocket and took it to school with her…she was a wee bit put out when all of the school children could hear it as well! I still put a bell in her stocking…at 25 years old!